Honestly my biggest problem is myself. I have absolutely no self worth, I genuinely wish I could stop existing just to save everyone the trouble of knowing me. I’ve grown up around people who proved they didn’t care about me again and again, and I’ve let them make me believe im worthless. I can recognize that that’s why I feel that way, but knowing it won’t change how I feel. To this day I can only think of one person who has ever expressed actual concern for me, and I’ve only met them in the past year. And it somehow hurts more knowing someone might actually care about me. It’s like I’ve found a painful kind of comfort in knowing people look past me, that their lives wouldn’t change if I died. Most of the people I love don’t care about me the same and it rips me apart thinking about it. But it’s the only thing I can think about sometimes. Someone who makes up a big part of my life, to them Im just a passing thought. They dont notice something is wrong, but can I blame them? They don’t care enough to see it and im not willing to bring it to their attention. I only hurt myself thinking about it.
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Sounds like SA, (social anxiety) I’ve been trying to nail this cause and effect for myself as well. If you are looking for people to listen to your story there are SA groups I have found around,…. i havent been brave enough to go to any myself and I don’t understand how these sa people do it, im afraid they would all just dismiss me and being rejected by self proclaimed rejects would be 100 timed worse