Hello, I’m new here, so here goes my little introduction post!
I just turned 20 a few weeks ago, which is kind of how I found this place. Historically, birthdays with a dysfunctional family and a lack of friends tends to be awkward at best, so this year I said fuck it, no one talk to me. I told my mom not to do anything, didn’t have to tell my dad since he already forgot when my birthday is. Since I didn’t work that day I slept until 4 pm and when I finally woke up I didn’t leave my room for at least another hour. I got a couple texts from friends from work, one from my crush which was a pleasant surprise, and didn’t talk to any family at all. Overall, one of my best birthdays yet! I recognized this as I was lying in bed crying about how pathetic I am. I ask to be alone, and yet at the same time I cried about how I didn’t have anyone with me. Ironic right? Still, I spent the whole day lying in bed wallowing in self-pity, as one does, and gave more thought to killing myself than I had in years.
To clarify it’s less that I want to die than it is I want to erase my entire existence. I want to disappear without a trace. If I knew for a fact that no one would ever remember that I even lived then I would end my life in a heartbeat. It kind of goes against the basic human fear for being forgotten, but the idea of people mourning me is the only thing holding me back. And it’s not in a “I don’t want to make them sad” kind of way either. They’d get over it with time. No, I’m terrified of how they remember me, because it’s inevitable that who they remember isn’t actually me just some rose-colored version they thought up when I died.
Anyways, I lied in bed and got the sudden urge to walk my sorry little ass upstairs, grab a knife, and plunge it into my left arm. I thought about it for several minutes and if I had the energy I know I would have done it. But of course I didn’t. I thought about it for days afterwards though. I’d be in the kitchen and just stare at the drawer that had the knife I’d use, but the same urge wasn’t there so I held back.
If you haven’t guessed yet, I’m depressed. Truthfully I’m probably better mentally than I have ever been, but at the same time I’m walking a fine line over here. Some days I fall apart. I’m on medication, and, really, I love being addicted to an expensive little pill! I actually have some friends, all of them from work. One of whom I’m very close with and I have a crush on, though he should be his own separate post.
I think I’ll end this here, thanks to anyone who read through this!
8 comments
Hi there! I’m new here as well. And I somehow relate to you. Though I think you actually have a better situation that me, but I don’t want to self-pity or anything. Sorry
It’s nice that on your birthday your mom had thought of you and people (including your crush) had greeted you. I spent my birthday at the hospital because my dad had to have a check-up when my mom got mad at him and refused to go with him. We were supposed to have lunch out, but didn’t so we ended up having a normal day back home. Like it wasn’t even my birthday. And nobody (except ONE friend and an aunt) greeted me. Didn’t actually mind. Actually I guess I’m already too apathetic to care anymore.
I hope you feel better now, and I’m sorry if my response to you don’t even make sense. Kind regards.
Thanks for replying and sorry your birthday blew. I’m not gonna pretend my life is the worst one out there, and I even said it in my post that it was one of my better birthdays. Self-pity or not, there’s something very therapeutic about a site where everyone can just get together and post whatever miserable life story they have, especially if you can find someone you can even kind of relate to. Your response made perfect sense btw so don’t worry about it!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzaMjUpwEqU
Wow…That’s pretty accurate… Thanks for sharing that, it really hit home.
Welcome codenameR I’m sorry you are having a difficult time with your depression. theres no judgment on this page and I’ve found it so useful to vent out what I’m feeling and the other people here are amazing with their advice and wise words.
Hi welcome to the site…. feel free to be as blunt as you want… I can take it. 🙂
Welcome CodenameR, thanks for sharing I can relate to a lot of this post. I hope you find solace with SP 🙂
It’s nice to meet you. I remember reading the post you made about your mother. You’re really strong to have gone through all of that 🙂 If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always email me okay? It’s devinbelver@yahoo.com
I hope you write more posts soon ^.^