Sorry its been a long time since I have written on here. But I’ve had a lot happen in the past month.
Well first off I got a letter from my colleges pride club officers telling me that my position as social media coordinator has been eliminated. I mean having it done by email was honestly trashy and really set me off.
Me and the president have never gotten along. She has been nothing but rude and disrespectful towards me the whole year. I have had thoughts about resigning … I still kick myself in the ass mentally for that one….
The club has been a bad place for a while. chasing newbies who don’t belong out. There pretty much one big fucking clique. It also don’t even help that the girl I’ve had a huge crush on for the past two years co signed the letter.
I have never felt so betrayed in my entire life. I seriously loved her and then she back stabs me like this. Choice or not. Its sad cause every time I see her in public I want to get in her face, throw something, scream, cause a scene… But I cant because I don’t have the heart to do it and I don’t want to cause any unnecessary drama for myself.
You think it’s stops there right??? HAHAHA NOT EVEN CLOSE!
Two weeks ago I found out from a close friend that the president has been spreading false rumors around me and turning people against me. I end up having a meltdown later on that day in front of my diversity professor in her office.
I honestly thought I could trust her and talk to her as a friend, as a professor through student/teacher confidentiality. but instead she kept trying to avoid the questions just to protect her two favorite students at this point I was in the midst of a mental meltdown. her phone rang and she left. so i took the time to try to get myself to calm down and try to breathe. She comes back 5 minutes later not saying anything and then the school counselor arrives tells me to go get my stuff and go to her office.
While she was talking to the professor I went back to the classroom grabbed my stuff popped my head out of the door looked left looked right and then made a straight run for the elevator. I ended up hiding in the basement bathroom for over an hour crying my eyes out, screaming , banging my head against the wall.
My sister eventually found me even though i begged her not to leave work hours. She escorted me back to my room and let me pass out on my bed. Woke up to a cop talking to my little sister at the door two hours later.
Turns out I was either forced to go to counseling or be forced into the mental health board….. So I went to counseling last Monday It didn’t really help anything. Mostly just false hope that everything is going to be ok.
Unfortunately everything is just getting worse. I got an email from my schools campus activities department asking to stop by for an early meeting next week to talk about the issue.
I highly doubt it will be worth any of my time but it could just be a good laugh later.
I have been trying my best to get over it and move on like my family and friends have been saying. But it has not been easy. My depression and anxiety eating me alive. My concentration in my classes and my appetite have officially gone to hell. Most of the time I wish I was honestly dead.
Last night made it even went worse for me. I went out on my first date for the first time in about 3 years. Since my ex has left.
It started off nice and sweet going out to dinner him paying for it.. Having a nice convo. it went terribly wrong when we went to the park to hang out. I pretty much poured out my heart and soul to him and he took advantage of me. even though I told him no and even begged.
We didn’t have intercourse but it was enough to make me feel dirty and betrayed. Theres no way I can hide it. with the hickies on my neck. I am honestly now having stronger thoughts about killing myself tonight. I no longer have the desire to live.
I honestly feel hopeless and that there is nothing good left in the world. But once again I am too fucking weak to even do that.
Hopefully I can just suck it up work hard and then try to survive untill spring break in a few weeks.