Woke up in an older body

I woke up today at 2pm and knew that my mind was not the same as yesterday.

The suicidal personality is gone, replaced with another dismal personality.

She is me at 15\16 years old. Two years make a big difference, but I still recognise her.

She looks in the mirror and sees a young woman. Why, wasn’t she just a girl? Why has this body been trained to put on makeup? How are the hands so still, so skilled, so fine tuned at motor control?

Pleasant surprises, a little unfathomable, but here she is in this older body.

She is aware of things behind her. Uncertainty looms at her spine, and she remembers how the older mind (who was in an existential crisis) had made a pact with her body to attempt suicide on Saturday. Yes, tomorrow.

Yes, but she is here now. She breathes heavily. She is aware of and appreciates the silence and is afraid to break it.

This younger self doesn’t dare to sing for fear of destroying the silence.

It is nice here. Death to the younger self is merely silence. This place will do, even with all its life.

The older self has upped the ante to total annihilation of the self. She is bemused.

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I’m going insane aren’t I. Years ago I would have written the above as a fictional piece, but this is real and happening.

I still don’t know what I’m going to do about it.