Another night drinking to numb the desire

Here I sit thinking how could I likely get away with it again. Listening to music and drinking to dull it. Coming here again to try to let off some steam. Hopeing in the end I’ll either pass out or figure out what to do.

I’ve been looking real hard at the rooftop of a three story building ( easily accessible) and of a 7 story building I wish was more accessible. Cement at the bottom of both is a plus. I keep thinking about them and I’m highly tempted to try again but knowing my luck I’ll be caught or survive again. So I just end up telling myself as if. Like that will ever work. And I debate throwing away my job instead of going to work tomorrow, I think about taking off no money across country,  or I cut or just have some drinks and go to sleep.

I think about going into the hospital but I know what will happen. As always after a few days I’ll act normal because what can I do otherwise ( I’ve had almost no ability since I can remember). After all I am almost incapable of acting in any way that would mean anything to a hospital. I feel like screaming, punching, crying, I don’t want to talk anymore, or try, or feel anything. But I can’t show it or let it out no matter how much I want to like I’m tied down and gaged.  So they will just dismiss me. And so will begin another cycle. The only reason I keep going right now is that I know it only gets worse if I don’t. I know I’ll be considered a trouble maker and get fucked with. Probably end up in jail. Getting raped eventually. At the least just more miserable. Given enough time I’d end up acting up and showing it but it never gets that far. They never really look. They never really consider. I don’t feel like continuing this