At least I have this

I can relate in a certain way. But these “fuckbuddies” you’re talking about, to me, are just a distraction on my most admired woman. I am 19 and almost 20, too. I fell in love with a student 2 years ago in a college I went to. I barely knew/know her but I fell in love with her because she was so trusting, something almost non-existent in London. I really wished to be friends, at the very least to know who she was and (later on) give my mind some kind of proof that she isn’t something like what Dante thought of Beatrice: the perfect woman, the daughter of God/ goodness. She was willing to be friends at first, but her work seemed to get in the way, though every time I saw her in the library she was rather willing and quite open to the idea of hanging out as friends. I suppose she might not have had the time, or just didn’t want to make it for me. But that thorn in my head that I have buried in my mind so deeply just won’t come out. I believe she is perfect because of the certain interactions I had with her that I know for a fact nobody on Earth in this culture would behave as such unless they were some kind of angel in some inherent sense. And now I’m stuck with a great admiration and a great love for that kind of person, although it is that kind of person who had begun to ignore me once I sent a very small but crucial message because I felt that she didn’t _try_ to get close; this: “:'(” on Valentines Day haha it’s funny now but a really sad at the same time. I send a message or give her a call once in a long while with no reply at all. I do this because I really value her and she knows this in exactly what way because I told her and she was thankful of what I thought of her – I will never contact her like that again. Before ‘the end’ of our interactions I replied to her once “Whatever makes you happy” and she smiled a charged smile and moved like a pampered princess that I was pleased to see happy. Now I am not near her and cannot know who she truly is and am stuck with this idea of her that I am obsessed with – her goodness -, and I value in life goodness above all else. And until this night in the early morning I wish to die, because I am not having a successful and forgetful life and because I am painlessly dying inside because someone I love is still in my head and will not come to me as who she really is. The longing and admiration in my mind hurts and yet I feel a numb pain from it, one that I have no control over or can’t even cry about, as if it’s stoic in its own nature and platonic in its seed. Platonic for reasons already explained, also since any ordinary man will not be attracted in the least to a face such as hers, thank goodness. She’s probably studying Medicine since last year as she said she wanted to 2 years ago. I’m a jobless young man with a painful-to-bear mind who is studying for 2 different driving licenses and wants to go back to college this summer with no means to support myself with in that way. I found this website this early morning after trying to find ways and chemicals to kill myself with since the thought of her came back to me, alongside the question of whether she is now already with someone else and the hint of was she already? Yes, my admiration goes that deep, of course, why_HOW_ on Earth wouldn’t it? I will speak to a friend of mine in a town near here in around 6-9 hours if he’s around, he was there to chat when I got kicked out of my house by my mother so that she can let her brother continue to masturbate with his girlfriend on his phone in the house and sometimes in the same room I’m in. My father is the same kind of sub-human trash, he stole thousands from me and forced me to work in his restaurant with a deranged drug-user whilst threatening me with a raised fist until my ***** mother allowed me back – now don’t think that these scum make me want to die, quite the opposite in fact. Now, original commenter, sometimes you’ve got to know that what you have could be much better than what some people have, and that your problem in your mind can go away, by your will or by your time passing by; how am I supposed to get rid of someone who has been ingrained in my mind for 2 years and counting? The course I want to study in college is very similar to the one she is, too, to make matters worse. She – the idea of her – will never go away, my longing will never go away, probably because I let my mind think this way since it’s such a rare and beautiful thing, but I never meant for this to happen to me.