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Deep breaths.. and letting go..

by falling_soup

I have spent all day in this mess… I am stressed out to the max.. I have been going through a lot of fights with my boyfriend, I have been fighting with family because they have betrayed me, I am homeless. I do not have a home to call my own, I couch surf with my boyfriend still and fight about money and basic needs being met. I have been slowly cutting my friends and family out of my life.. I do not speak to many people from previous places I have lived in. I am fighting to just get out of bed everyday. I do not have very much money, I can not afford food, new shoes,etc. I am struggling to find a middle ground.. I need to wait until April 8th for when my food stamps renew. Right now is top-ramen and cheap fast food. I have barely eaten today. My body does not like overly processed soup. I am feeling very broken and hopeless, I am not in college right now because or family betrayal.. I am barely scrapping by and I wish that I wouldn’t be such a hard ass on myself. Just writing this my anxiety/depression is kicking in saying “well no one cares, your situation is sooo good right now, at least you have someone giving you a roof over your head fat ass, you have soooo much weight on you, the fat on you will keep you alive for a while, you are way tooo weak to actually kill yourself anyway, you would take pills and then go to the emergency room, you are a little ****, and chicken out on death, something you claim you have wanted for soooo long” I have not cut myself in over 6 weeks and I have no desire to currently. I am pretty sure I am more preoccupied with death that a few cuts on me would not take the pain away. I have been sick with flu like symptoms for the last few weeks, I have a fever and been vomiting, I have no real energy and now I have golf sized lumps on my lymph nodes. One is bruised and the other is massive, the lumps are not hard.. they are painful to touch.. I honestly just want out.. I do not even care anymore about fighting.. I really just need to fall asleep and not ever wake up. I am falling apart and  have no real strength to fix this. I am going on a trip back to California, too see some friends, I can not afford the trip and did not plan on going but my friends family just paid for the ticket. I think I know a place where I could just disappear.. and for good..

 

Thanks for reading my pointless bullshit,

Love Always,

Falling_Soup

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souptool 3/21/2017 - 6:39 pm

Ugh the noodle days!
I remember beans hot dogs and Mr noodles all day everyday it was the only thing I could afford at one point I can truly sympathize.
Like you said you wish you weren’t so hard on yourself. An I do too! It sounds like a rough situation. Things like that build character and strength as cliche as that is to say.

I’ve done the pills a couple times, I don’t recommend it usually leads to reaaaly bad stomach pain. And another time some pretty shitty convulsions. And yet another time I was brought to the emergency in an ambulance and had seizures waking up for a week or so.

Did the wrist once too that was a waste of time. Too much effort for my liking. When I was suicidal I was looking for an easy way out and more pain was not what I had in mind.

I’m sorry your sick ATM that never helps either.

But on the plus side of all this hey you get a trip to California that’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to go! I hope you have tons of fun with your friends and family and that things start getting better.

I know it’s tough, hang in there if you can. Maybe this visit will be exactly what you need. If not, try to find a way to improve your situation. I’m sure you can figure it out. You have a world of possibilities. If something doesn’t work try something else.
And remember people care!
Your friends and family must like ya to pay for your visit. And I hope it goes good 🙂

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