My biggest fears are 1. That I’ll be found prematurely and 2. That I’ll be sent to the psych ward. I don’t want it to be public knowledge that I even thought of actually attempting suicide, let alone attempted and got “saved” because my timing was off or some mysterious thing happened that made someone have to come back and they discovered me. I don’t want doctors and nurses to know what’s wrong with me or think I’m “one of the crazies”. I don’t want other “crazies” to know who I am or what I did or that I’m there. I guess it’s my pride and worry of public image that scares me the most, not even the actual act of suicide or the dying that comes with it or even what happens next.
I actually wrapped my 6 foot long phone charger cord around my neck, today, for about 10 seconds, give or take. I was shocked that there was no pain fear. The only thing I felt was happiness, serenity. Thr idea that it could end if I kept going and those in my life could move on and live happier and more productive lives.
I didn’t continue, only because I wasn’t ready. I know I want to be prepared when my time comes. I want to express my love to my husband and my girlfriend and my mom. (That’s it, btw. That’s the only family I have).
When I was around 12 years old, my favourite aunt (my dad’s sister) hung herself in her garage. It must have been easy for her in that she lived alone and no one realized how deep her depression ran.
My reason for saying that those around me can move on is because my family has all moved on from her. No one ever even mentions her. Granted, it was over a decade ago, but no one has spoken of her in quite a few years. I still think about her sometimes, but it doesn’t hurt anymore.
Like her, I’m nothing very special. No one important. Just a basic member of a family, much smaller than the one she had. I understand there will be pain when I’m gone, but it won’t last long. I know those in my life are strong, strong people and will be fine and/or better without me as their burden. I’m the biggest financial burden. The government doesn’t care and won’t help. I’ve been trying for a decade. It’s laughable how invisible and i significant I truly am.
Before today, I’d only thought small tidbits about suicide and the impact it might have on those around me.
Now I feel ready to say goodbye.
2 comments
I feel invisible at times too. Like would it really matter if I’m gone. I had a long talk with my husband about killing myself about how it would effect him and the kids. Right now I can’t hurt them ( by killing myself) but I’ve been at points where I don’t care , couldn’t understand how it would hurt others.
If I were you, I’d stop with the fears and worries of being referred to as one of the crazies and all that other stuff that would come later and direct my thoughts more on being found prematurely if anything. Have you not considered the tension on that phone cord may loosen or even fall off once you pass out and fall to the floor, or even if it stays put a while but you are still discovered prematurely you spend the rest your life with brain damage, having to be pushed around in a wheelchair, drooling uncontrollably with head always tilted to one side and wearing diapers somebody has to change for you? That’s my fear and main reason I crossed off any method that involves a lack of oxygen. Same with trying a pill overdose. The fear of being trapped in an imaginary world that has become your only reality where demons can rule your every move up to the end and maybe beyond, but there is no escape. Horrible for me to even consider such torment.