Yesterday, I had an episode in my Calculus class. Not a small one, either. It was probably the worst one I’ve ever had in public. I’m afraid to describe it here; that’s how humiliating it was. Suffice to say I completely lost my fucking mind, right in front of all those people. Now I’m too ashamed to set foot in the class again.
And to make matters worse, once I was out of the class, the episode didn’t stop. I went home and posted something really weird and stupid on my Facebook, and I texted some incoherent nonsense to one of my friends. I don’t know how many of my family members actually saw the post; it wasn’t that bad, but it was definitely embarrassing to read once I came back down to earth. I’m lucky it wasn’t worse. I’m lucky I wasn’t rambling about the cameras in my vents or some shit.
If I don’t die soon, I’ll just have more and more of this to look forward to. Continual humiliation and terror, slowly eroding away my dignity, for the rest of my life.
But of course, I won’t actually do it. After all, I never do, right? I talk about it here all the time, but it’s never going to happen, because I’m too much of a fucking coward. Things will just keep getting worse and worse and I’ll never actually have the guts to blow my defective brains out.
16 comments
Ouch. It’s never fun losing your shit in front of people. I’ve been there, and I can empathize.
I also feel urges to end it, but there are pieces of me that still want to hold on as well. I wish I could just kill off the messed up pieces and start over, or kill off the pieces that want to hold on and die.
I’m sorry you feel humiliated.
Thank you.
As for that second paragraph, I agree. I wish I could either get rid of the defective parts of me that make me want to die, or get rid of the parts of me that are too scared to die. I hate being in this limbo.
I’m feel your pain ive humiliated my self in front of everyone…I ever knew.. from high school to jobs to just randomly in public.. family.. Facebook.. Instagram.. twitter.. my reputation is so fucked from going manic all the time.. Im literally at length ends with just all this shit.. just waiting for that exploding feeling of anger and resentment against my self to pull off a end.. which I feel coming on..I literally am so confused on the disgusting fact I’m stil here..
I’m really sorry to hear that. I’m waiting for that anger too. I can’t believe all of the anger in my heart hasn’t been enough to kill me yet.
I feel*
Whiskered even though you’re quite far away from me these posts can be felt deeply by me. I’ve lost all kinds of shit and my reputation is quite fucked too. Just coz i don’t wish to deal with that anymore i prefer dying and i don’t expect that to be dignified by society in any way and most fucked up thing is I still don’t care. I’m lucky to have seen this post my day was already going terrible i made more belly cuts to deal with the killing silence.
Doomhead : Everything you wrote describes it all about myself too.
I hope my post kept you from cutting more. I’m happy that it spoke to you on such a level, but I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain.
Calculus can do that to anyone.
Seriously though, your classmates might not have thought it as bad as you think they did. Either way, sorry this happened to you.
Haha, yeah, Calculus is incredibly depressing.
And maybe they didn’t. I hope they didn’t. But who knows what the next episode will be like? They’ll just keep getting worse.
That sucks. I know how mortifying it can be when you feel like you’ve embarrassed yourself in front of others. It can be hard not to let it dominate your mind, like all you are is that brief glimpse of you – as weird, pathetic, inferior etc.
All I can say is that the moment probably meant far less to others than it did to you. And that regardless, such moments don’t define who you are.
I sincerely hope you’re right about those last two statements.
I know that on one of my previous posts, you said that this isn’t who I am, just a part of me that I have to deal with. I’ve been giving that some thought. I want to believe it. But if my brain ends up ruining my life, it’ll be hard to believe.
Even if you behaved weirdly, you’re aware of it.
Some people.go through life really weird, oblivious to it, but accepted by others all the same.
You always sound like you’re lugging around the world on your shoulders, alone, with no help, responsible for everything. I feel sorry for you. I think you should share your burden with someone.
Honestly, I’d rather be unaware of it. Ignorance is bliss. Most of the pain of being a freak comes from knowing you’re a freak.
Anyway, you’re right. I wish I could share the burden with someone.
I have the class again today, and I’m thinking about not even showing up.
Take a mental day. It’s good for you. I’m sorry you had a bad day. We all have them. I have a love hate for Facebook and twitter cause I’ll post when I’m at my worst on twitter then I’ll get texts from friends I’ll go back and delete it but the damage is already done 🙁 In the past I used a normal twitter and then I had a secret one that was called confessions of an abused wife I deleted it shortly after my divorce but it helped get my anger and frustration out, something about admitting all that was happening made me feel some relief. Maybe make a secret twitter to help get out the frustration or come on here that’s what i do now. I vent it out on here.
I ended up going, but I left about thirty minutes into it. I had no idea what was going on, since I practically missed the previous lesson, so I couldn’t see a reason to stay.
I’m thinking about withdrawing from the class. I’m failing it anyway, so that’s probably the best course of action.