Im not afraid of death….that much.

I used to think I was afraid of death and maybe I was years ago. But I recently found some strange spots on my skin and I thought I had cancer. I actually don’t have cancer. It turns out that its actually just some rash or fungus. Its still something I should take care of ASAP but a couple weeks ago I thought I was gonna die. I really thought that I had cancer and that I was gonna die soon. One thing I noticed was how hard it was for me to shed a tear. It actually took lots of effort to shed a tear. In that moment I realized that death was probably gonna hurt(really bad)but it wasn’t going to be as scary as I made it out to be. The only thing that made me cry easily was knowing how sad my family and best friend would be if I did die. Just thinking about their reaction makes me cry. But I’m glad I thought I was going to die soon because it sort of gave me a push towards a better future. It made me realize that many of my fears are unwarranted. I have really bad social anxiety. However I am improving. In fact I’m improving at what seems to be an exponential rate. People are starting to notice but beyond that…IM STARTING TO NOTICE IT. I’m really healing and I learned a very valuable lesson throughout my many challenges. I learned that I’m always going to have problems. Big or small it’s part of human nature because nobody’s perfect. As humans we always have challenges because that’s part of life. You can either sink,float, or swim. I learned that I personally love swimming(living). I have learned how to be okay with my life in this crazy world. I stay strong because I prefer to stay strong. Sure life has its ups and downs but I no longer let the downtimes get the best of me anymore. I’ve been down too many times now to let the dark times consume me. Don’t get me wrong, I still get depressed every now and then but its because I cherish life that I never let it get too bad anymore for as long as I have some control. I could never commit suicide because this. I once thought I could but I love life too much to do that. I know the world is a dark place but it feels great being the light that brightens peoples days. There’s few of us but that’s what makes life so precious. I will keep shining because I want to keep shining despite all the darkness around me. It’s worth it.