My birthday was a little while ago. I spent it wanting to be alone, crying whenever I got a chance to be alone, and hiding how I really felt to my family. It got better at the very end of the day, but nothing truly makes me happy anymore. I didn’t know if I could get out of bed today because I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that I look forward to anymore. I have never been worse. I wish I could tell someone, but I can’t face my family (because I don’t want them to treat me differently, I don’t want to burden them, and they can’t afford to get help for me and I don’t know if I want help) and I don’t know anyone else. I feel trapped. A few days ago, I needed to take a walk or something by myself but my family said I shouldn’t so I didn’t and then it was hard to breathe and I felt like I needed to cry for a while after that. Over the past few days, I’ve had several nightmares, some of them bloody. I am not capable of reading, writing, anything else in my free time, and so I have no motivation to finish anything that needs to be done. I have fantasized about suicide so much these last few days. I opened my window last night and stared at the stars and the illuminated clouds and its beauty made me cry because it is not worth anything. I have no will to live. I wrote a suicide note to myself a few nights ago to get my feelings out. It didn’t help. Nobody sees. Nobody cares. I keep wishing that something would change, just a little thing, just something to make me happy for an hour. Of course not. The universe is happy to go on without me. Does anybody have any guidance/help/hopeful remarks to get me through a single fucking day?
Note to self: Don’t try to change yourself. It doesn’t work and you’re left emptier than ever.
5 comments
I just had a birthday myself and it made me utterly depressed. I was doing OK before. I was sticking to my plan. Making sure I did the basics every day: shower, brush my teeth, exercise, work, do whatever had to be done. Then in the meantime take any opportunities came at me and never said no. If someone wanted to go to lunch with me, I go, even though my brain was saying No, go home, hide. I went anyway. I did everything I could and it worked. It made me think about death less. Made me smile more. Gave me hope.
Something that stood out to me in your post – why did your parents say you shouldn’t go for a walk? How old are you? I think that even a 13 year old should be able to go for a walk alone, just as long as they know general safety. Nothing wrong with it. Keep your phone with you, be aware of your surroundings and anyone walking near you and make sure you let someone know exactly where you’re going. That’s general safety for all women and even men. Walk if you have to and don’t let anyone stop you. It’s a release. It’s fresh air. It gets blood flowing to your brain. Even if it only helps for a few moments, at least it helps and can give some relief.
I think the main thing is not thinking anyone cares enough. Even though I do have people that care, I think it’s just anxiety questioning it. But you have to remember, that no matter what, no matter how lonely you are, maybe people around you just don’t know how lonely you are because they are lost in their own world, too. I often have to remind myself that the world doesn’t revolve around me.
But anyway, I hope you feel better and get to a place where thoughts of suicide lessen some.
Do you draw? I know you said you don’t get much time or anything to read or write but have you ever tried drawing the raw emotions you feel?
Maybe enjoy a good meal? Or something you don’t usually eat like cake, or candies, or ice cream. Or wear something you don’t usually wear and stare at the mirror, do silly faces, or dance something improvised.
Doing things you don’t usually do but wanted to do sometime (even if a bit) is how I cope with the same feelings you have everyday. It helped me, so I hope it helps you.
You’re making no sense
The universe cares about you otherwise this thought of suicide wouldn’t even be there
Do you realise how many people even think of suicide
Like 5 out of 1000
The fact you can think this is in itself proof enough of your existence
I can’t even understand why you would want to end your life
Dont you think that shows how much the universe cares for us
So different and yet i love you with all my heart
You’re truly blessed to have such a tough life
I’m so sorry I have been incapable of responding 🙁 I know! I would love to go for a walk and think I should be able to but my family is way way way overprotective especially because I’m a girl. So I feel very trapped. I do draw normally, but I can’t anymore along with everything else. I’d actually love to learn to dance but I can’t afford lessons. Thanks everyone for the advice. 🙂