It’s not enough

God,

You know I don’t believe in you, but I’m asking you to throw me a bone. In your own special way, you’ve given me everything I’ve asked for, so I hope you’re willing to spare some more fairy dust for me. I’m just not sure exactly what to ask for. It’s all to do with women. Everything else, I have a handle on, but you know that I’m a completely fool around women. I don’t know what to do. I think I want a partner, I get a partner, but then regret it immediately. What’s wrong with me? Why am I incapable of being close with someone else? Is it the voices in my head? Is it because I started talking to myself and didn’t stop in time and now I’m only really interested in hearing what my brain has to say/think?

I’m always at a loss for words whenever I’m around an object of my affection. I want the closeness, I want something, I think? I just feel sad. I see everyone else enjoying each other and I want that for myself, but in practice, I always fuck it up. Invariably, my urge to flee to a dark corner and let my mind race hits me and I end up dumping whoever I’m with in unceremonious fashion. I want someone for me, that’s what it is. I don’t want to change so that I’m more open to the general population, I want you to send me someone that can replace the voice in my head (however crazy that may sound). I think you know what I mean though, someone who indulges in what I indulge in, a person cut from the same cloth. I want to feel connected to woman, but more importantly, I want to WANT to feel connected to someone. I don’t want to run away, and I don’t want them to run away from me.

I will do everything else, but if you could send me someone like that, and give me some kind of sign that she’s on the way so that I have something to look forward to, I’d really appreciate it.

Tyrone