I’m a 33 year old autistic loser. Nothing but misery and pain and abuse and people who don’t care until you inconvenience them. I don’t care about life enough to live another 30 or 40 years. Im not sad, mostly indifferent. I’m likely going out sometime next year. I figure I’ll give it another year. Then I’m outta here.
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You are a loser by whose standards? How content are you with your own life? In my opinion, It is the only thing that matters
A loser by my standards. I haven’t managed to accomplish a single thing of merit in my life. I’m no further along in life than your average 12 year old… that, coupled with decades of abuse and trauma and medical problems.
Can’t u get govt assistance since you have a disability?
I receive government assistance but it’s just barely enough to eat, even living at home with my mom.
How much do you get?
I was reminded of 4chan. Btw, I see this is your first post. Welcome to sp. We would like to hear more from you. Hope you are at peace.
ps. Is meditation not your cup of tea?
Thank you for the welcome. I’ve been beaten down by life. I’m too resigned, jaded and disillusioned to keep living (or to entertain the premise that things will improve in any measurably way)… I don’t believe in miracles. Nor fairytales… I’ve seen too many horror stories played out on life’s stage.
I haven’t tried mediation, but I’ve explored the concept of mindfulness a bit.
I see your point. Much as I try to take a neutral point of view towards so called ‘sufferings’, I too find myself in it quite a few times. Physical disabilities like yours which are a material reality, seem to affect our everyday emotional states.
I’ve recently found the following interesting though.
1) Mythopoetic men’s movement
2) Rhizomatic/Arborescent networks
3) Amorality
I am currently trying to build my theoretical viewpoint so as to take life and death matter more comfortably. It seems to help so far at least. But exploring the Mythopoetic men’s movement, hopefully might help to address your letharygy issue, if superficially. Come on, at least takin your time to do something other than dwell on your past life experiences, in this case, reading might help you forget or think differently. I remember one quote “People are not distubed by things, but the view they take of them”. Sleep tight.
Around 500 for several disabilities
Is that a month or how often?
I read. Studying French, Mandarin, Russian. Violin, piano. Chess. I enjoy art, photography, poetry, quantum mechanics…. although math is my real passion…. it’s not as if life is devoid of substance. If it were, the question of existence — or rather the question of volitional continuity — would be reduced down to a simplistic, binary equation: 0,1; black, white; true, false… It isn’t… there are so many dimensions involved, people devote tomes to the query: theological, philosophical, existential, eschatological… all seeking to answer life’s primordial question, but somehow begetting more ambiguity, more cryptography, more vertigo and emesis , in the process… Why go on? What’s the point? So much intellectual uncertainty amidst the emotional conviction… And life’s boons add more uncertainty still. They cast a pallor of doubt on Pathos’s forgone conclusion.
I suppose that’s why I’m not dead yet, floating somewhere, in the bay, thrice bloated by bacterial gas … There’s a part of me that’s still battling the questions. So, I’m giving myself a year. My story is a long one. Rape, sexual abuse, physical abuse, autism, physical illness, near death experiences, poverty, chronic pain, discrimination, witness to domestic violence, failed out of school, anorexia.
I will look into some of the things you suggested. Thank you. I’m a very curious person by nature. I’m female, by the way. But that won’t stop me from reading about the Mythopoetic men’s movement. Sounds fascinating. I could always stand to learn something new. Cant grow otherwise.
Thanks for your sharing your story. ‘So much intellectual uncertainty amidst the emotional conviction’ hit the nail on the head. Your quest for intellect is commendable and part of me already admired your careful wordings. Sorry about the misfortune that you went through.. I might like to hear you rant so it would somehow temporarily disperse my cloud of concerns.
Come to think of it, my hunch tells me you are a suicide survivor, for you mentioned another year. I recently tried argon and failed three times and i thought to myself ‘for god’s sake, I’ll give it another month’ or something to that effect. Funny that I am remotely surprised about becoming comfortable about the end of my personality.
Even my half-assed dabbling in meditation and reading about stuff(Analytic Psychology, Quakerism, Sufism, Self-Inquiry, Non-duality by Peter Russell) gave me some useful insights (dream interpretation, etc.) I will continue to pursue my intellectual/religious exploration until i see fit to engage my ‘exit mechanism’.
“In the final analysis, the hope of every person is simply peace of mind” – Dalai Lama
That is per month
Damn at least it’s something I guess