self-image & relationship confessions

1. I look at women and wish I were them. Being bisexual, sometimes I’m not sure if I wish I looked like them or if I’m checking them out. Sometimes I confuse myself. Like if I think a woman is beautiful, I don’t know if I’m jealous or if I like them.
2. I’d like to think I’m confident, cute and beautiful. But I’m not sure I do. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I think that I’m a monster.
3. I unfollow people on Facebook if they post too many relationship photos. It makes me feel lonely. It makes me cry to see others in happy relationships and me, alone and miserable. I’d like to think that I could be in a relationship as well if I just put myself out there. But I don’t. It’s a lot of work. It takes a lot of effort.
4. When I see couples in real life I feel jealous and it gives me anxiety. It makes me want to cry when I see couples holding hands, kissing and I feel sick to my stomach for my thoughts. Privately I wish them misery, a break up or divorce. Realistically, when I hear about someone breaking up or getting a divorce I also become sad, anxious and depressed because I think “Relationships never last” and it makes me think that I’ll never have a lasting relationship either.

I just wanted to put this out there. I know I’m so fucked up mentally.