I always end up back here when I feel self hate, and it’s always because I don’t want to share it with anyone I know. Somehow telling strangers my dark thoughts always works out better for me than when I tell him or any other person. I don’t feel guilty about saying what I feel and how it makes me react.
On here, it’s okay for me to feel suicidal and cry about it, because I don’t have to worry about triggering bad memories or someone’s misplaced pity. I know that I’m not going to act on it, and I know I’ll get through it. I just want to tell someone else that it hurts, so I don’t have to hold it in and let it destroy me.
In the past year and a half, I have actually managed to make amazing strides in my self esteem. I can look at myself in the mirror and be satisfied with what I see. My feelings when I stare at my reflection are marginally more positive – I can pick out good qualities more often than not. But the self hate still remains, and it rears its ugly head every now and then. I can’t help but fall back into my self loathing with ease. I constantly self deprecate, and sometimes I have the worst timing.
*Unfinished but it’s been in drafts too long and I need to get it out*