In either direction is all I need. Toward life or death.
Someone shove me?
4 days ago • General
Apr 20, 2017 @ 10:59:06
Well, you know in which direction I would shove.
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Apr 20, 2017 @ 11:12:59
That’s because you’re kind 🙂
Would you nudge gently, or shove me while my back is turned, right into life?
Apr 20, 2017 @ 11:34:34
… ah, that’s maybe true.
I would nudge you gently. I’m not the shoving type. However, if that didn’t work, I would tell you to look at the mystical mountain of strawberry ice cream behind you, and then shove you.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 11:39:22
😮 sneaky sneaky
Apr 20, 2017 @ 12:11:39
Ha, it may be sneaky, but I would do anything to ensure that it succeeds. Also, considering that I’m a punk, I guess it’s appropriate.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 12:24:24
Yep, you’re a real punk alright 🙂
Apr 20, 2017 @ 12:53:48
I just can’t help it… such is the punk life.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 13:11:30
Punk life! Gotta represent :3
Ahha! … Blah.
Hope you’re having a good day for yourself.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 13:27:13
Haha, I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Thank you, it’s been sort of different. I’ve been marking students’ essays, and it’s been a significant test for my sanity.
How are you doing?
Apr 20, 2017 @ 13:52:00
What are the essays about? I feel that could make a big difference for the level of insanity.
I’m doing. I have to work a short shift this evening and then I’m off for a bit. I’m looking forward to time off and just decompressing. I hope I do at least some life-like things and am somewhat present for it.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 14:33:48
It’s about the contributions of prominent philosophers, from the 14th to the 19th century, to the concept of liberal democracy…
Ah, I guess doing is something. I hope so as well. Are you feeling “synthetic” or “inhuman” at the moment. Are you in one of your dissociated episodes?
Apr 20, 2017 @ 14:42:11
Wow. Sounds… Um, interesting?
I hate political stuff so, I’d gouge my eyes out.
I think I’m fully here right now, if that’s what you mean… Maybe not? I don’t know. I’m kinda hyper, but also still feeling things. I should probably stop trying to figure out which way I am. Maybe I do too much introspection? I dunno
Apr 20, 2017 @ 15:04:50
Ha, yes, “interesting”.
That’s understandable. Nah, some of it is alright, but some of it can definitely be eye gouge worthy.
That’s good to hear. No, I think the introspection is ok. However, you do focus a bit much on “which way you are”… if that makes sense. But yeah, sometimes it’s better to just focus on the now and our surroundings.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 15:49:48
I’m going to try to do just that over my time off of work. Be more in the moment.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 16:13:14
I hope you’re successful in that endeavor. That’s something that I also need to work on. Despite being in control, I’m rarely living in the moment.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 16:28:26
Well maybe we both can grasp on to moments here and there. That’s all I can hope for.
You mentioned possibly going out with your friend, is that tonight, or this weekend at some point? Maybe that would be a good time to try practicing being in the moment? 🙂
Apr 20, 2017 @ 16:40:58
Maybe we can…
Ah, that’s tomorrow night. Ha, I guess it would be a good time to practice that. I can always retreat back into my “mind palace” if things get shitty, or even begin shitty.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 16:57:27
That’s the time I struggle most staying present, when I’m around other people. Everyone else can let loose, have drinks, be silly. I tend to just retreat deeper and deeper into myself, down the twisting corridors of my mind. I get asked often “what’s wrong”? Or if I start talking about what’s actually on my mind, I often get met with “you’re weird” or “that’s too heavy”. I don’t do well in group situations usually, and when I’m out in public I feel like I’m being stared at and judged by every person. Which is so ridiculous because why would anyone actually give a shit about another random person in a sea of people they don’t know?
I just get weird
Apr 20, 2017 @ 17:12:47
I can sort of relate to that. When I’m in those situations it looks like I’m letting loose and being silly, but to let you in on a secret, it’s just me acting. I’m always aware of things and respond how I want to, I never accidentally say stuff, or truly cut loose. I’m always aware and in control. Well, maybe you’re hanging out with the wrong people if they think “you’re weird” or “that’s too heavy”. I think a weird and heavy conversation, over some drinks, can be truly delightful. Ah, so sort of social anxiety. My brother has the same thoughts… It’s good that you know that it’s ridiculous. Just try to keep that in mind anytime you begin to feel like that.
Ha, you know my opinion on weird.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 17:18:59
Yeah it’s a sort of anxiety I suppose, but sometimes I get downright angry when I actually do see someone staring at me. They probably just happened to look up, humans look at each other, you know? But in my paranoid mind I often believe it’s more than that. I start feeling ultra self-aware, or I just kind of drift off.
Is your brother older or younger than you? Are you guys anything alike?
I wish I were better at acting during the times I feel all awkward.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 17:34:19
O ok, that makes sense. Exactly, humans do look at each other. It would be super freaky if we all walked around while avoiding to look at each other. However, it’s understandable that, that paranoia kicks in for you. I’m guessing that it especially kicks in when it’s a guy. Anyway, like we’ve said, it’s just random people you’ll never see again.
My brother is older than me. However, we’ve always had a weird relationship. I sort of always acted like the “older brother”. He struggled, and is still struggling I guess, with some stuff, anxiety being one of them. So, I would spend hours talking with him about it. Mmm, we’re quite different. However, I guess some people would say that we’re both intelligent, or at least intelligent looking, and we’re both definitely weird, but in different ways.
Ah, but wouldn’t you still feel awkward? However, I guess it’s still good if your awkwardness isn’t visible.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 18:08:28
What does intelligence look like exactly?!? Do you mean how you dress/carry/present yourself? Or more like, a twinkle in the eyes or something?
I doubt I look very intelligent, upon further thought. Hahaha
Yeah it’d be easier if I were better at hiding my awkwardness, because I think it would in fact make me less awkward just knowing I could hide it– does that make sense? @.@
Apr 20, 2017 @ 18:17:11
No, I think it’s just an “aura” or maybe it is the eyes. My brother and I dress/carry/present ourselves differently, so it’s definitely not that.
… Well, I think you look intelligent. I think you are intelligent.
Ha, that makes sense. Knowing that people see your awkwardness can make you more awkward. It’s a cycle of awkwardness. So, hiding it can help with that.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 18:26:19
So, more like a feeling or energy about the both of you than a look? 🙂
I picture you to be a snazzy dresser for some odd reason? Hahaha. You should get a monocle… Except then you’d be more like Mr. Peanut guy on the peanut package wrappers than a SadPotato.
I’m not… No no no, trust me when I say that much. My idiocy and cluelessness never ceases to amaze me.
Yes it’s an awkward snowball effect
Apr 20, 2017 @ 18:42:46
I guess so. However, like I said, that’s according to some people. I’m not totally sold, but yeah.
Ha, I guess I could classify as that. I always wear dress shirts and other “fancy” stuff, and you’ll almost never find me in shorts or sandals. Haha, I think a monocle would a bit much. And like you said, then I’d be the Mr. Peanut guy (yes, we’re even aware of him here), rather than a SadPotato.
O yes yes yes. That’s just another thing I believe, and you won’t be able to change my mind. You’re being too hard on yourself again, and often one’s mistakes and fuck-ups aren’t indicative of intelligence.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 19:09:45
Oh, you mean mandals!?! I like when guys wear sorts and their mandals with long tube socks :p
I figured you knew about Mr.Peanut… Hahaha
Well, agree to disagree
Apr 20, 2017 @ 19:12:37
*shorts damn it
Apr 20, 2017 @ 19:20:18
Ha, I gathered that it was shorts. It’s alright.
O yes, it most definitely does not burn my eyeballs out of their sockets when I see guys with the ultimate combo that is mandals, shorts, and socks.
Yip, everyone knows Mr. Peanut… or at least I do.
Yes, we’ll have to agree to disagree, because I’m definitely not budging on that.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 19:25:34
Hahaha sho shmexy that look is
Kinda like… everybody knows bird is the word?
Apr 20, 2017 @ 19:30:38
Yip, makes me seriously consider bisexuality.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 19:37:54
You never fail to make me smile.
Apr 21, 2017 @ 03:49:45
… That may be one of the best compliments that I’ll ever get. There’s actually glimmers of happiness from hearing that.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 13:14:50
That is such a loaded question. There’s so many things to consider, but don’t we already know that?
You know, in all honesty, my attitude towards your posts, and it has been greatly affected by seeing your art and realizing that I have thrown in the towel when I would have rather not, has been one of desperately wishing that you can find your way. I guess that means I’m living vicariously through you, or maybe not, I don’t know.
I hear that you hurt, that you are damaged and in pain, and I hear you also saying that you want better, and my heart leaps at that, screams for that.
Maybe it’s because I want better, but am finding it difficult to locate.
So I want it for you, since I can’t find it for me.
Someone tell me if that’s fair, right, or wrong.
If I had to push you, it would be towards life, fair or unfair, right or wrong, it would just be reflex, without thinking. Because that’s what I STILL hope for for myself. Selfish.
I hear subtle cries for help in your writing, and it touches me. I feel the longing for the peace of death in my soul and in yours, and I question my right to suggest any option that goes against your will.
And yet, I believe that you can, somehow, reconcile the evil. That it will take time and be the most difficult undertaking of your life, and in hoping to see that come to fruition, I feel there is a spark of hope, for you, for everyone, for me.
Maybe I am suggesting life for me, through you. That’s probably as dysfunctional as it gets, as unfair as it gets.
Only you can choose. You have to take the choices we make for you and merge them wi th all that you are and all that you know and choose.
If I had my way, I’d drag you kicking and screaming towards life, because you would be me, and I would be demanding you do what I am trying to do. But that’s wrong.
You must weigh the options. You must do what is right for you. Just please don’t make the decision until you, in all fairness to the untapped potential that lies within you, give recovery a fair shot.
There is an outcome awaiting you, and you will discover it. It will reveal itself to you as you move ahead, and perhaps all of this is really just pointless, as many of us on this site believe.
To answer your question, I’d push, not nudge, you towards life, and I’d hope it was the right call.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 13:48:16
Yeah, I think in a way you are talking to yourself when you say there is hope for me. We as humans can/do see ourselves in others often.
It is greatly appreciated though, your hope for myself and your own self. It’s helpful knowing other people are making it through hard times. It is also comforting to know there are people who are rooting for me.
As for the art stuff, why don’t you dust off your camera and go out and about? Capture things the way they appear to you. Or do something else creative?
I want to thank you for all you’ve said and for reaching out.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 17:45:58
Yeah, you’re right. I should. Forgive me for my candor. 🙂
Apr 20, 2017 @ 18:05:13
Ah, stahp it.
What you said was kind and made me feel good… So 🙂 no harm done here
Apr 20, 2017 @ 16:53:40
I kick u towards life, and by the way r u male or female?
Apr 20, 2017 @ 17:01:59
I would try to grab your leg and pull you into life too.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 17:08:13
Yes yes, pull me, thanks, and nice to meet u. Be my friend 🙂
Apr 20, 2017 @ 19:09:43
I would love to give you a good, hard shove into the land of the living in the place that has mirrors that shows you who you really are (your worth) and not the lies you tell yourself. You deserve to give yourself an opportunity to live. Death is always an option, life is not.
Go for it, kid!
Apr 20, 2017 @ 19:13:08
Thank you for that 🙂 I’m trying
Apr 20, 2017 @ 19:20:38
Yeah. Just because someone says something shitty to you to try to control you doesn’t mean that it’s true. I really hope you find your self worth and your strength. I hope you find out that you are enough and that you are more than a survivor, you’re a phoenix.
So here’s your shove, now go FLY!!
Apr 20, 2017 @ 19:27:27
I’m really working on it SQ, thank you. You really seem to radiate light.
Apr 20, 2017 @ 21:18:11
Oh I think that’s just the wine I had with dinner. ;D
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