I don’t understand how people can just relate to and interact with each other so easily.
For me, social interaction is an exhausting chore. Sure, I hate being lonely, but the difficulty and stress of social interaction often makes being around others hardly worth it. So, usually, I end up choosing loneliness.
I can’t maintain friendships. I rub nearly everyone I meet the wrong way. I’m a decent actor, but evidently not decent enough.
I feel like an alien. I feel like I’m a completely different species from everyone else. I wish I really were a different species, that way I could go live with my own kind, and finally be with people who speak the same language I do. But that’ll never happen. I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life being this liminal freak, caught between two very different worlds, and not belonging fully and authentically to either of them. Always on edge, always exhausted, always confused, always lonely. And what’s the point in living if you have to do it alone?
That’s just the hand I’ve been dealt. That’s my faulty wiring. Not just crazy, not just depressed, but crazy, depressed, and socially retarded. There’s absolutely nothing I can do about it, besides maybe beat myself on the head the same way you’d beat an old TV to get it to work. C’mon, you stupid, broken machine! I don’t want to do this anymore.
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Please give yourself some leeway to live. Sometimes I wonder if you just talk yourself out of things before they work out. (You wouldn’t be an INTP, would you?)
I don’t know what you mean by “give yourself some leeway to live.” What do you mean?
As for my personality type, I don’t know what it is. Honestly, I’m probably different ones on different days or different hours. My mind is a fractured, buzzing hive.
Basically, I’m saying cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a little grace, the benefit of the doubt. You are harsh in your self-criticism. You make it hard for yourself to even make a start.
I understand it must be really difficult for you, from previous posts.
The thing with social interactions is that you need to give grace over truth sometimes and truth over grace at others. It’s not as simple as being one way all the time.
We all have bad moments and would appreciate understanding and tolerance rather than being called out on it. Other times we totally need to be called out on it!
Be kind to yourself, fish.
I wish I could but I don’t think I can. I really really want to but I hate her so much.
The hate suffocated me all day. Being awake is torture. When I’m asleep I get to forget who I am.
I know I need to stop. I know that if I don’t, it’ll kill me. I know that for sure.
That’s the thing you do when you’re about to go off the deep end. I see it but I don’t know if it’s a thought process you can interrupt or if it’s a symptom.
I sure do feel like I’m going off the deep end. I feel like I’m about to explode.
When it’s not completely empty, that is.
I really know how you feel. My advice is to learn social ques, learn about body language and make a place for yourself in conversations. I know it’s hard but it’s worth it. Keep trying!
How long will I have to keep trying before I pass as a functional human being? Because I’ve been trying for years. I’m a lot better at it now than I was when I was little; I don’t get into as much trouble as I used to. But I still constantly make a fool of myself, and fuck everything up.
I’m so tired of this. I wish I didn’t have to act at all. Or at least, not much more than the average person has to. Everyone has to act, but the burden isn’t the same for everyone.
I wish I could be myself for once, or mostly myself. The few friends that I still have, they aren’t friends with me. They’re friends with the person they think I am. It’s excruciating to know that. Nobody likes me, they just like the mask that I wear.
But then again, I hate me. We all have an inherent bias in favor of ourselves, so if even I hate me, then it’s safe to say that the people around me would feel the same way if they saw beneath my masks. And that would be even more excruciating.
I’ve got to pick one pain or the other. Those are my options.
I’m sorry that I’m just swatting away your positivity like this. Please don’t take it as some kind of insult. Maybe I’ll be more receptive to positivity soon. I just can’t see any light at the end of this tunnel right now.
I agree with SweetQuietus, you should give yourself some leeway. If you feel like an “alien”, find other “aliens” to be friends with. I assure you that there are other outsiders out there that feel like this (Alex101 being a convenient example). After all, birds of a feather flock together.
:wave whisky fish, I sauntered on tonight for other purposes…. and then I read your post and I felt a little less alone. Glad you are still here.
Thanks. I’m happy that I made someone feel less alone, and I’m glad you are still here too.
I know exactly where you’re coming from. It can get so draining having to maintain a facade around other people. I find that I can ‘act’ for only so long before I literally run out of things to say, and then my self-consciousness and anxiety just skyrockets. Horrible.