Am I capable of change?
Lately, I’ve been asking myself this question a lot.
For most of my life, I’ve been a difficult person to get to know. It was hard for my parents, my siblings, my extended family, and even the one woman I thought could be the love of my life.
I ran from conflict, because there was never an easy way out. I simply wanted to exist, live, laugh, and love.
It seemed that I would never have any of those things. My childhood was fraught with poor choices and poorer memories.
It’s hard to think of a time where I wasn’t sad, alone, and angry. I distinctly remember being told how useless and worthless I was, by family and peers. Each time I broach the topic with them though, all I get is vehement denials. They don’t want to remember how terrible they were to me. They bury their guilt. It’s fine. I do the same thing. I was terrible to them.
It followed me into my HS years, with the help of prescription medication (Rx Generation and all), but it got worse. Instead of learning to deal with my emotions, I buried everything and painted a smile on my face. People became more sociable, but I kept them at distance. I didn’t want them to see who I was. I didn’t want them to see the person who broke down crying because of the constant stream of negativity rushing through my head. I didn’t want them to see any of me.
As most stories like these go, it backfired.
I lost myself in my own head… vanished, really. There are parts of my life I can’t remember because I simply left my body to do everything. I detached and dissociated. I was on autopilot.
Later in my life, I had to live with roommates. It went well, at first, but it became clear I had missed out on a lot of social learning. I didn’t know how to read people or understand when they were upset or angry. So, I taught myself.
I went through some good roommates, some bad ones, and some that are truly terrible people. Still, I came out ahead. I studied and pushed myself to earn more money, to be more sociable, to find someone to love. It worked.
I found someone. It ended terribly. I couldn’t be with her. She broke me. Her selfishness and haughty attitude pushed me away and she couldn’t understand it. She thought it was normal. I wish I had listened to her and sought couple’s counseling. We were both stubborn.
Regardless, she’s gone and I will most likely never see her again. Still, to have your first real relationship at 22yo, for only 1 1/2 years… and to be single now for over 3 years… I’ve lost quite a bit of faith that I will find anyone else.
I stay away bars and clubs. I’m not terrible in crowds, but I certainly don’t like drinking alone. It’s better to be with friends. I also tend to drink too much and make even more poor decisions.
Perhaps I’m growing and changing, but how much growth is left after you reach 26yo, especially when you constantly daydream, talk to yourself, and suffer the occasional emotional break involving a a large amount of cursing/crying.
I honestly have no idea if this is what normal is. I have no understanding of anyone else’s life, other than my own.
I’m very tired of this world, but I won’t kill myself. I’m incapable… at least for now.
Also, please note that I am no saint. I’ve done hurtful things to people, just as many of you have. I have my regrets.
So… this rant has helped me clear my head a little. Now what the fuck do I do?
Keep living, I guess. Move forward one second at a time.
1 comment
I feel you bro. Wish i could go back and tell me all the things i know now. I missed out on A LOT.
I think people like us just got mental splinters that never went away and keep digging into us no matter how much the surrounding tissue tries to heal over it.
Every movement is just another pain.
I don;t give up though. A few years ago i was hardly a man at all. No body. No mind. A spark for a soul. Just an ego really.
I’ve built and built and built. Made my body stronger. Allowed my mind to relax. And i;m learning more every day about how to relate to other people.
I think we can all change. But it’s not easy by any means. It is a MONUMENTAL effort to change something so deeply a part of your human experience.
But i don;t give up. I want to live. and have sex and friends and be a productive member of society.
My problem now is drugs xP soon as i stop this shit i feel like i can do it.
You’ve been through plenty man. I;m sure you’re strong enough to change if you;ve gotten this far. obviously you;re smart and can adapt