God!

Since i was younger ive gone through scaring trauma that i never would imagine how badly i am traumatized. Let me start by saying I MISS MY FAMILY! I miss my sisters and i having tea parties as cheesy as it sounds, my brother playing sports and walking us home from school and my mom and dad without consciously knowing being my ideal picture of happiness. It all started when we moved to our new apartment on a first floor which every saturday we’d clean the house while my dad set up his old school speakers, connecting his radio making sure it was all perfect to practice his song for chuch the next day. I was nine. I was going to school just a few mintues away and took the bus by myself. To soon enoufh be harrassed by the red headed older boy that sat behind me that had a fascination with the new spanish girl on the bust. Which each weak he pushed to another level. First it was always “so whats your name?” Which seemed innocent enough to then being told everyday how he my curly hair to taking it upon himself to touch my hair and stair at me in a way where he knew it made me uncomfortable but thrived off it. Even where the bus monitor who’d look out for me and tell him to leave me alone. Even one day when him and his friend tried to get odf the bus at my stop and follow me until she stopped them. Which i thanked god for everytime and i remember getting off the bus on the verge of tears from how scared. Until one day they followed me off the bus and i cut through the back of my house sp the couldnt see me where an old shed was then id climb down the wall. The neighbors kids lived on the third floor apartment two sisters and there brother who was a bit older than us who was so cute because pf his green eyes and always to nice to me. We werent there in that apartment too long soon we’d be moving so i was more than excited because i wouldnt have to take the bus anymore and see his face. The last few weeks before we were going to move on the bus cpming from school once again the red headed boy kust couldnt give me a break one day but that day he says to me “i like you.” sadly i didnt know how to respond because i was more scared of him than anything else so i said nothing. Upset he yells, “well dont you like me” rifht then we pulled up to my stop. I get off and i notice him and his friend get out too but follow me and saying “your going to be my girlfriend.” i walked faster hoping my dad would be around or my brothers. Instead they got closer and i hear my neoghbors brother yell to leave me alone or he’ll kick their ass. The two boys ran away. I was so relieved he “saved” me. He comes up and ask if im okay then ask which way im going and i tell him he says he cuts through there too. He must have been about thirteen. He tells me im so pretty with my hair and my dress i blushed. He asked if i thought he was cute i say yes and then says he wants to show me something. So i contemplated whether to go or not because i knew my mom would be calling my name soon but i figured it was okay because he was my neighbor and walked his sistera home all the time. Thinking about it now i hate myself for it and only wish i would have ran home as fast as i could. I wish he could have just brought me home. In the same old shed behind the fence top of the wall behind the house that same kid i thought “saved” me does even worse and tricks me and rapes me. I was so scared i just froze i wanted to just run but couldnt move he was bigger than me and for some weord reason i was worried i’d be the one to get in trouble listening to him. This is what later went from bad to worse. A few weeks later we moved. About 2 years after we moved my dad develops pnuemonia from what he thought was just asthma and to later fall into a coma for the next 7-8 months. My dad died. The day after we went to see. I will always remember that day because it was the last time and first time i knew my dad was still around he was aware of everything around him. This was because my mom asked my sister and i to sing the song we sang at church that he always sings. And while we were singing i could hear my dad whimpering and tears rolling down his face. And i will never forget that because he knew he wasn’t going to make it. The next day he died and some of the church members and us were in the waiting room because my older brother couldnt handle it and had a seizure. A month later my mom tried to keep it together and my dads grandmother said she’d be around us more because she moved close to us. Yeah that last about 2 weeks then left us for dead for the next 16 years up until yesterday being the first time ive seen her face since then. That month after my dad died my brothers girlfriends’ son and i were walking back home from our after school program for all the kids that loved in the projects help keep them out of trouble. Kenny had his bike he always had his bike but it had a flat tire and while we walked home we passed by the apartments and here someone call us. It was a guy and an old man theu asked what happened to kenny’s bike. We told it had a flat. The old man says come inside we cam fix it kenny and i said no tjank yoi we are all set we live a few minutes. Suddenly the guy was in front of us and grabbed kenny’s bike and told kenny that they jist want to help and walked kenny upstairs. I didn’t know what to do i couldnt just leave Kenny and he asked me not to let him go alone, so i went. Once we got upstairs the guy told kenny he would fix his bike and he would show him so he brought him to the back room. The old man showed up behind me and if i wanted amything i said no but we have to go home my brother and kennys’ mom will come looking for us and we have to go home. He then proceeds to tell me to calm down and his son will fix the bike fast. He says. Just watch some cartoons so he puts cartoons on the room is dimmed. The old man then comes behind me and brushed my hair i move away and he tries to sit me on his lap i pull away and tell him i want to go home now and tell him im going to get kenny. He tells me okay you both can go ill tell him to finish up. His son says okay almost done but it felt like forever and i was still waiting. The old man then comes closer and he lstarts touching me. Kenny comes out of the room and the old man gets startled and lets me go. Kenny tells me how the guy showed him so many video games and that he patched his tire. All i do is open the door and tells kenny we have to go home now our parents will be mad. Me and kenny walk down the stairs with his bike. The two men come out behind us and stand at the porch by the stairs. Once we get to the bottom of the stairs i whisper to kenny that when we get outside the bulding we run. We finally reach the bottom and kenny yells to “run!” we ran as fast as we could and i was so reloeved we got home. I once again didnt say anything to anyone not even Kenny. As time goes i start to gain wait and awkward. High school is a trauma all on its own. Too long of a story. Now at my age im a single parent of my own and the same nightmares that haunted when i was younger and i tried to repress came back worse in my fears, everyday. Can you imagine everyday having the worst fears and fear everyone will do the worse to your child. Everyday afraid to let someone baby sit or your child never being a daybwithout yoi because your scared the same will happen to them. Everynight you put your child to sleep with you and lock the door and window because you fear someone will break in. And worse to say that im terrified to death someone might come in the night and get raped. Almost everyday contemplating whether you should end your life because the only in the back of your head is that this will be your routine and fear for the rest of your life. Everyday working and going to school just to be able to ge tout of the city. But still worried about the next rapist or domestic abusive relationship. The poor guy ypur with knowing in my heart he would defend me and my chold with his lofe. But hom not knowing your dark secrets because everuday i am worried he’ll be disgusted by me or see me as a fragile thing and be scared to touch me or do soemtjing wrong because now he knows and will walk around in eggshells. And im scared because i think if i do then whenever he looks at me that all he’ll see is what has happened to me. To the point where now he cant figured out what he is doing wrong and why im so scared to say i love you or why i have pretty much never been able to tell my own mother i love her. Not because i dont because i would die for her and my child. But because the words never are able to form. Everynight i pray to god my child and everyone is safe and if anything was to happen to take me first. Atleast twice a day thinking of how i could just kill myself but then who would defend and protect my chold like i can because i know the monsters that are out there. I pray to god one day i get anmesia and those horrible things i never remember. This post being the first time ive ever thought outloud and first time ive ever spoken about it after over 10 years