Help Me Be Better

I’ve recently decided to commit suicide. Im comfortable with this decision and Im excited to take the journey into the great unknown. I’ve recently made a shitfest of my life and there’s no fixing it at this point. The pain Ive caused and the pain Ive felt are just unfixable.

To preface all of this, I used to be a heroin addict. Ive been clean for 3 years but I still get withdrawals from time to time.

Two years ago I met a girl. She was great. We clicked right off the bat. Started going out and she got pregnant within a month. She left the choice up to me and I decided the responsible thing would be to abort the baby. When we went to the clinic, I tried being as brave as possible with her. When they finally took her back to the room, it dawned on me that we were making the wrong decision. I knew she didnt really want to abort the child. I tried talking to her but the nurses wouldnt let me. I flipped out and was asked to leave the facility.

Months went past and we wound up moving in together. I adopted a dog to help fill the hole in my life that was left by the abortion. Things were honestly going really well for us, really. Then one night we had a really bad fight. We both wound up putting our hands on each other and she left.

She came back a couple of days later and we agreed that it was a fluke, that energies were too high and neither of us would ever do it again. It was difficult and a lot of trust had to be rebuilt but we got through it together.

Fast forward a couple of months and shit gets real. I got into an accident and was taken to the hospital, where they administered dilaudid. Which pretty much brought back my withdrawals full force. I was a complete wreck, mentally and physically. To top it off my younger brother commit suicide shortly after.

This sent me on a downward spiral looking for help anywhere. I started drinking heavily, every day. When that didnt help, I kept having nightmares of all my dead family and friends haunting me for not being there for them. One night, my girl mentioned to me that if we hadnt gotten the abortion, our baby would be born around this time. That night i woke up from sleep thinking I heard a baby crying in the other room. Went to check on it, nothing there. This continued on for weeks.

I started taking Xanax and Prozac for the crippling anxiety and depression that were overwhelming me. I didnt tell her about the nightmares or about taking the medication because I didnt want her to think I was weak or crazy. Big mistake. We started having fights that I couldnt remember. I would space out for hours at a time but it helped subdue whatever was happening mentally and my girl didnt seem too terribly unhappy. On the contrary, she started hinting heavily at wanting to get married.

I couldnt believe with as fucked up as I was that she could want someone like me so I ran out and bought a ring the next day, without letting her know. I planned a whole day and took her to her favourite trail. I doubled my dosage that day to avoid any anxiety. I wound up getting cold feet and not proposing at all. Instead I made the day all about her and made her favourite dinner and bought her a bottle of her favourite rum.

Throughout the night, she managed to convince me to drink with her. The last thing that I remember was taking the bottle to my face. In hindsight, I should have thought more about the way the liquor and Xanax would mix. I blacked out entirely. In my mind, somebody was breaking into the apartment to try to kill my girlfriend and the unborn baby and i was doing my best to fight them off.

I woke up in jail. As it turns out, nobody was breaking in. And it was my girlfriend that I wound up hurting severely. She pressed charges, refused to speak to me, and got an order of protection. I did 50 in jail and am now on probation for 3 years and wearing an ankle monitor.

As I was unable to pay rent in jail Im being evicted. My electric is getting shut off tomorrow. And I have no job and no money. I hurt the woman I cared about more than anything in life, possibly scarring her for life. On the day I was planning on proposing.

Ive decided entirely that this life is not worth living for. I feel like a complete monster for what Ive done. I never meant to hurt her. Ever. I was just trying to provide the best for her. I failed and in doing such, fucked up my life irrevocably. I want to release my spirit into the earth and take the unknown journey into the other side. Maybe I will find some peace there.

Im a huge ***** when it comes to pain so suspension hanging with focus on the blood vessels seems like my only viable choice, as I dont have the money for drugs to overdose on. Ive tried in the past but my body ays manages to wrestle free of whatever Im using to choke myself. Does anybody have any other suggestions or tips on how to go about this in the most surefire way possible?