i cried

over a science worksheet i couldn’t understand. i just got so angry and frustrated i started bawling my fucking eyes out and punched a wall which hurt but it was worth it because my knuckles were red for a few moments. it made me feel strong

and when i looked in the mirror i had mascara running down my cheeks in long black snakes like a scene in a movie. it was pretty, actually, although my face is grotesque. i was snap chatting this guy (weird to bring up snapchat in a thing like this) and the edge of my black smeared teary cheek was in the photo. he noticed, replied with a :(, but asked nothing further–

and it hit me that he doesn’t care, in the slightest. at all. me existing means supremely, absolutely NOTHING to him at all, regardless of the drunken conversations and sweet words we’d exchanged just weeks ago.. he grew away from me so quickly. he was a piece of light i saw from the bottom of this hellhole i’ve been wallowing in for years, and he just walked away. so god damn easily. it just hit me how i’m nobody to anybody and that every time i think i might mean something it’s just a facade. a big old show that’s maybe funny to everyone else but not to me. i just feel hollow. i don’t know when i’ll run out of insides for people to stop ripping out of me