I will never be me again

I can give an example.

When I was 12, I used to do 100 pushups in a minute and 20 seconds without stopping. Skip to age 16.5, I would do 1000 pushups in sets (first 3 sets were of 100) with 45 lb on my back in the low 40 minute mark.
I would do handstand pushups. One handed pushups with 45lb on my back. Clapping pushups, diamond pushups, etc.
I would run 2.5 miles a couple times a week.
I would do 51,000 situps total in a month. Almost maxed the machines I used. Lifted a 20lb dumbbell around once every 2 seconds for an hour without stopping per arm so around 1800 times per arm without a break, etc.

I was obsessed. I was proud of that obsession.

I used to be so optimistic. My optimism was borderline delusional I’ll admit. If something were possible, even if barely, I always always always had hope. I always felt like I could do anything I ever wanted and it was a GENUINE belief.

I always thought all that was needed to succeed in life was effort but I was wrong and it twisted my reality. I had a wake up call.

It will sound silly but one if the two things that broke me was my final height. 5’5.

Not joking.. something so seeminglesly insignificant ruined the future I had planned out..

I would sleep with ankle weights on my legs, I would sleep in uncomfortable positions, I would jump 100 times stretching my body, etc. I don’t even remember for how long I did this.

I knew it was futile. I knew it was all genes at the end of the day but I always tried anyways even knowing it would end on failure because that is how optimistic I used to be.

Ever since I was a kid, being short bothered me. At first it was a small bother because I always thought I would catch up. Then I started to become extremely bothered by it. Every single day it was a struggle. Every day it hurt me but I always had hope that my patience would be rewarded..

No reward was given..

I became so fixated with the surgery. My senior year, I gave up. I had finally woken up to the truth. I am a degenerate.

When I graduated, I was going to go to a uc but instead, I cancelled my admissions and tried to end my life. I was sent to the mental institute and when I got out, I only registered for one easy class… I figured my mind was so broken that I couldn’t take anything more. That was a mistake but then again, my level of despair was so tremendous. I can’t this happened to what used to be an overachiever. I used to be so hardcore in both body and mind. So driven… no more.

After that semester, I picked it up a bit by taking winter and summer classes. Then throughout the fall of the second year, I couldn’t handle it again and stopped showing up to my classes because I tried to die again. I was sent to the mental institute again.

It did nothing because words will never change my ways.

When I came back, I didn’t register for the winter or spring. I didn’t even work. That whole year was so freaking wasted.

I would just lay in bed trying to think of ways of how to kill myself.

I basically did nothing for a year and a half. Literally nothing and it hurts because I used to be the type that wanted to be ahead of the curve in both body and mind.

Now I am finishing an associated degree in a field that I loath. It’s one of the “better” associate degrees to get I GUESS but I hate it so much.

In my eyes, it lacks prestige and the pay caps too early. I feel like I wasted another 2 years..

I can’t believe just a few inches did this to me.

Surreal really but in the end it is justified. Just look at statistics of short males. Their pay, how they view themselves, etc.

Now I not only want to kill myself because of my degenerate body, but also because of what happened to my academic life. From an overachiever to this garbage.

It hurts me that no one saved me from this hell for this past 5 years. I feel so neglected and now I am unable to bond with people. I always feel so embarrassed about how my life turned out and I can’t take this lonliness anymore.

Because of this pain, I started to become a colder person. I can’t genuinely laugh anymore. I became serious when I used to be the type that joked around.

I started to develop a hate for people because no one saved me. So neglected and no one cared. As if no one cared for my life for this past 5 years.

I wanted to break world records before. I used to be so different.

I also felt above certain people.

I didn’t like the ideas of parties, alcohol, drugs, sexual behavior, etc.

I always associated that as “weak will power”.

I was so obsessed with the concept of will. I always felt like my will power was so extreme. I wanted to prove my will power had no equal and so I became obsessed with the perfect body. One that no one could compare to. Not even a little comparable. To train was the only thing that gave me meaning.

I didn’t like to go outside unless for a run. For the most part, I loved being alone before. I lived in my own little world where it was just me in an empty box and training. Just me and my weights. Just me and my will power.

I wanted a body that reflected my will power which is why I trained so hard. I was even going to double my daily routines.

I liked only to train. That’s all I needed to feel so good.

Training was literally everything to me.

It was everything.

Without it, I feel lonely. This world is very big and it only makes me feel lonlier.

I am aware that around 50% of the world lives in true poverty.

I am aware that many have it worse such as the “untouchables” in india who are treated as if they were less than human.

In the end, others having it worse doesn’t ease my pain in the slightest.

I was emasculated and am basically 22 yet I feel like a little kid.

This body broke my head.

I used to care souch about my academics too.

Before, I didn’t feel like my time was limited. I was never stressed about it.

Now, I am so very obsessed with the surgery and every second I don’t have it I want to die. Even with it I know it’s too late. I know I will always feel like a little boy now.

A 22 year old and yet still a child.