I’m an avoider.

Ever since I was little, I’ve always had a strong desire to avoid things, or quit things. It doesn’t apply to everything; I like intellectual challenges and physical challenges. But anything that is unpredictable, unexpected, or messy, or doesn’t seem rational, I’ve always wanted to avoid. Unfortunately, that seems to be 90% of life and 100% of everything that involves other people. If I wasn’t so goddamn sensitive, maybe I could be a fighter, one of those people who can brush shit off and dish it right back out and accomplish significant things. But instead everything seems to affect me five times more than normal.

I’m also running out of reasons not to avoid things all the time. I’m definitely a Type A but I don’t really have any goals in life right now other than not getting fired. I’ve never cared much about money, status etc. and trying to pursue relationships seems like an exercise in pure suffering. Most of the things that might actually motivate me, I’ve tried them already, and I found myself emotionally unable to deal with the conflict, rejection, or frustration that inevitably happens along the way.