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I’m Back

by kellinandrew

I haven’t posted in a while, I dont know why.. But I have a story to tell. I was looking for my sleeping pills, my Trazadone,  when I found my moms Phenobarbital, which is a hypnotic. I used to be addicted to a lot of drugs, more than I ever thought possible. I broke those habits two years ago when I was 15, now I have fallen back into them. I have become dependent on these pills and I am trying to stop, but at first I didnt see a point, yes it can kill me, yes its hurting me. But maybe I was wrong. I have decided something, I need to get better, yes I want to end my life, but is it really worth it? What if things will get better and killing myself will make me lose all of those chances I could have had. I don’t want to leave this world knowing that I might have a chance at life. I terrified that if I kill myself, I might hurt people I didnt realize would care.. The days started passing and I started taking more and more.. Then I told my girlfriend, Arwen, I saw how much it hurt her, I saw how much it hurt others. I saw how much people actually care, it took awhile to realize it. But in time things do get better, I never thought they would. And I’ve had struggles all myeline. And I know its hard to realize now, but just push through. I want to explain how I pushed through, maybe it will help one of you. I realized that I was hurting people when I made my girlfriend cry, when I made my bestfriend break down and hurt herself because I was hurting. Yes, I don’t have my family by my side, but I have my friends, my girlfriend. And I got these people by cutting out toxic people in my life. I know this is hard, and I hated doing it, but what you need to do is one thing. Think of yourself for a little bit. Think long and hard. Is that person worth your effort? Are they worth you time? Will the benefit or hurt you? I know this sounds selfish and rude, but if you want a shot at life you need to do this. I am still struggling to do this because it is so hard to cut someone out of your life. But sometimes, it has to happen. Like one time, I was dating a girl named Abbey, she was very toxic, she was into heavy drugs and was always abusive. In a panic, because I couldn’t live like that anymore, I attempted suicide, I was sent away for a year, and in that year, never once talked to her. Which cut her out of my life, if anyone ever needs any advice or someone to talk to or just someone to listen to your rants. Get ahold of me, my email is cgreenawalt0420@gmail.com

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