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I’m back

by beautifulsinner

It’s been a while since I’ve been in here hasn’t it eh? I guess the saying it won’t last forever really is true, cause here I was actually thinking I was getting better. Oh boy was I wrong.

Happy happy oh how happy I was. Right? No. Not happy. Anxious and depressed, it’s all just an act. The meds help me feel the best I’ve ever felt, and help my lows become manageable, but here I am feeling myself slipping away again.

It’s been three days worth of tears for me. Three days worth of panic. Now I’m not going to say I’d kill myself over some measly panic attacks. No. I’m talking making the realisation that good things won’t last forever. Just like the bad, although it seems like the bad is more in my favour.

I don’t like living like this. They say I have depression and anxiety. But then why do I have these “high” moments where I feel so inviciable and amazing. You’d think that’s a good thing though right? Wrong. As I said, my luck seems to shift towards the bad part.its too happy. It’s too energetic. And then before I know it I’m back down again. Look at me go, spirialing out of control again. But this time we don’t have the time for this.i don’t have the time to deal with this shit. For the first time since November, I even self harmed yesterday. I’m so incredibly weak. My walls are closing in on me again, and honestly, I don’t have the energy to fight this Again. I’m exhausted.

Oh and self isolation? Seems to be my new thing. My friends seem to have a wonderful time without me,so I’ve been isolating myself from them. Just bit by bit detaching. Yet no one seems to notice. Or care, I mean who knows these days. I sure don’t.

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13 comments

LMNO 4/26/2017 - 10:31 pm

Do you ever think you do better when not checking in here? I’m like you in what you described, tho often times I’ll still read along even when I’m not commenting. But sometimes can’t help think it may bring me down?

Sorry to here if your recent struggles btw

LMNO 4/26/2017 - 10:31 pm

*Hear of your recent struggles

beautifulsinner 4/27/2017 - 9:40 pm

I agree, sometimes it is like that but I don’t know this week has just been a shit show for me 🙁

a1957 4/26/2017 - 10:43 pm

i lived with this for decades. I now take two low cost natural supplements and that stuff is thing of the past.

a1957 4/26/2017 - 10:44 pm

PS: the up and down part that is.

beautifulsinner 4/27/2017 - 9:41 pm

What supplements?

brokenandbent30 4/26/2017 - 10:53 pm

The “up” part is the only time I really feel alive, but I guess it’s not worth the hard crash that follows. Just saying I totally understand.

LMNO 4/26/2017 - 11:16 pm

Not that I’m surprised but I for one find it nice to hear y’all have these too. In regards to my above comment I really like coming here and think it was very beneficial to my psyche when I was teetering on my lowest moments. And I know the “normees” recommend positivity, I think u know what in sayin, didn’t mean to offend or anything

anhedonic apathy 4/26/2017 - 11:34 pm

Isolation is never a good thing. Depression isn’t something that is just going to go away. Its good that the medication helps control your moods and make your lows more managable. Its not just about fixing your mood though. You also have to deal with and work through the issues that made you depressed in the first place. Those manic episodes sounds like you might have bipolar or something. Its called manic depression because you swing back and forth between the extreme of depression and that mania where you feel invincible and like you can do anything. If you feel overly isolated and need people to talk to you could try our chatroom. There are usually people in there if you just want to hang out. http ://us21. ******. com/ ********* take out the spaces in the link. I just spaced it out so as to hopefully not get flagged as spam because of the link.

brokenandbent30 4/27/2017 - 12:13 am

Yes, the highs and lows sounds like bipolar disorder. I’m bipolar/ADHD and I know that certain substances trigger mania, but like I said before, it makes me feel alive.

It’s like going from feeling like you can conquer the world to feeling like a scared little child. There has to be a balance somewhere…still trying to find it.

brokenandbent30 4/27/2017 - 12:20 am

beautifulsinner, what medicine are you on if you don’t mind my asking? Maybe the dosage needs to be adjusted. Talk to your doctor. The only medicine that really worked for me in the past were MAOIs, like Nardil.

beautifulsinner 4/27/2017 - 9:44 pm

I’m on Wellbutrin and Remeron right now

SeeSmith 4/27/2017 - 4:37 am

“My friends seem to have a wonderful time without me” Jesus Horatio Christ, I would hope so! Who needs friends that moan and flop around like overcooked spaghetti when you aren’t around?

What you need are friends that have a terrible time when you are with them! Like, uh, SP friends!

Hello, friend!

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