Slipping, and loosing hope

I haven’t been here for a while. I have suffered from severe depression most of my life. I had a major episode a few months ago, spent (again) 7 weeks in hospital. I was about one week away from ending it (I was just waiting for Christmas to pass, so as to not spoil it forever for my sons). I had given up hope as none of the treatment I was given helped af all. Then my psychiatrist tried one more medication and it helped, instantly. A week later I was home and doing really well.

I knew however how close I had come to death. Even my psychiatrist, who I respect highly, had sensed that I was very close to giving up (he told me, after I got better), yet at the time he didn’t change my leave arrangements to a higher risk category. The only way I can interpret that is that quietly, unofficially, he acknowledged that in my case there was just nothing more they could do and the kindest thing for him to do would be to let me die. Not that he could ever explicitly say that, but his actions, or lack thereof, speak for themselves. And it wouldn’t have been for lack of caring either, as he’s very kind and dedicated.

Well, this is the background. When I got better it was clear to me, that I could never have another episode, and survive it. There is just nothing left that anyone could do to help me. I’ve had all the therapy in the world, I’m on a cocktail of 7 different meds, ECT has stopped working for me, and being in hospital does nothing for me anymore.

So the plan was to be really vigilant, and nip any symptoms in the bud. However, the last two weeks I’ve been slipping, and I fing myself unable to stop the descent. And if I can’t, and I know that I won’t be able to survive another episode, the outcome is inevitable. So the question presents itself, why prolong the misery? I’ve really crashed today, this is the first day since my recovery that all the sudden I am very sure that my life will end soon. I just can’t fight this again.

Sorry if this is long and rambling, I can’t really say these things anywhere else. I’m not ever going back into hospital again. I’ve been 7 times, and it’s not because it’s a bad place, it’s a very good hospital,  but it’s because there is no point anymore. They’ve done all they can do for me that anybody can do, and there is nothing left.

No hope.