Still here still don’t wanna be

Idk, wanted, it doesn’t sound like you don’t care, it sounds exactly like the opposite. Letting men use you for sex and you not caring? That doesn’t ring true, not in the sense that I think you’re being un-truthful, but in the sense that you’re using sex as a method of avoiding what is making you sad. I think you like using men for sex because it gives you some sense of control and that the unsavory characters of the men you choose to use you gives you some sort of emotional outlet to escape the thing that’s really bothering you, like you’re mastering the beast, so to speak.
The thing to ask yourself isn’t “why am I doing this”, it’s “what am I trying so hard to avoid?” Is it the sadness itself or what’s behind it or what you fear is ahead of you?
You don’t have to face the emotions alone. Find a therapist who specialized in coping mechanisms or CPT or some other approach that puts you in control.
You are so much more than this. I can totally see you putting this behind you and walking in the sun. I kinda want to apologize for being so in your business but then I don’t because it is social media, so feel free to delete this if you think it’s too, too.