Even if I were to be given a billion dollars.
Even if I were to be given a time machine to fix my life..
I just don’t care anymore.
Not even the most unrealistic scenario can result in my happiness. Nothing can save me now. I can’t visualize a future I want to live in anymore. I truly was beyond emasculated. Castrated. Doomed to live the life of a man-child. My head is broken and some pills and therapy isn’t going to fix me anymore. Once it gets this bad, it’s already too late.
There is nothing left to live for anymore. Why become old? Why even bother living passed your prime?
I refuse to become some pathetic feeble old man. I am about to be 22 and even that age feels like 100. I don’t want to be old. I don’t want to age. I don’t want to be a symbol of inferiority. What the hell is the point to such a pathetic existance? none. To live just because your instincts tell you to is vanity.
I have the innocents of a child and a child doesn’t belong in the world of adults. In a world of perversion.
My head is too fragile for this world. It depresses me so much. To be around people who are nothing like me.
A world where people talk about sex and drugs. Where innocents is frowned upon. Where loyalty isn’t valued.
I feel like both an old man and like a child. This pain and my age has made me feel old but my personality makes me feel like a child.
So many things went wrong but I don’t want to fix this life anymore. I don’t want to find meaning in this life anymore. In the end, it’s all pointless. Factually speaking, this life has no meaning. It’s the individual that gives it meaning but I see no point anymore.
I can’t wait for the moment when I will finally be able to overcome my body’s survival instinct and finally end it all.
With all my heart, I want nothing more but to finally die and become nothing. I swear I will kill myself before this year ends. I have to.. I really hope I can find the resolve soon.. I wish I could do it now. I wish I had my gun rights back. I was stripped of them simply for going to a mental institute (which I didn’t approve of to begin with). I just want to die. I am not a danger to anyone but myself. I just want a gun to shoot myself and be done with it. I am not asking for much at all, just my basic human right of dying when I choose.
If I were meant to live, someone would have saved me before it got this bad. Now I don’t want to be saved. It’s too late.
2 comments
i think your life is worth it
It is never too late. Life may yet surprise you, and you may yet find a measure of joy in this life. We’ll see, but I hope the best for you.
PS. Sometimes old age can be an advantage through the experiences gained over a lifetime however painful. Just look at the life of Warren Buffett. He still seems to enjoy working and life, and he’s at the top of his game as an investor.