Where to begin…
I feel like the mice my kittens liked to chase around. When the mouse knew he was cornered and couldn’t get out, he would panic and run full speed into a wall knocking himself out so he wouldn’t have to deal with his inevitable fate.
That’s how I feel. I feel like knocking myself out so i don’t have to be eaten up by the big bad world.
I guess you could say I got myself into this mess. Well, some of it. I let someone that I thought loved me take advantage of my situation and now I’m paying the price.
I would say that I wish I never met him but to be honest, if it wasn’t him it would have just been someone else instead. Fucked up mentality, huh?
Five wonderful years of being financially, emotionally and physically abused but at the end of the day I still try to hope that tomorrow will be different.
But I’m tired of hoping.
I know I can simply get out by becoming the mouse. But at the same time…its not really that simple is it?
My mind wants to be free but my body won’t let it. Amazing.
Story time!
One day I decided I had enough. I asked my wonderful fiance to OD me on H so I can drift into death with no way to get myself out of it. As I thought, he agreed. Now let me say this, I have a SEVERE fear of needles which is why I have to have someone else do it for me. I wish I could just do it myself but it just freaks me out. Also I wouldn’t know how to prep the stuff or even what to do in general. SO ANYWAYS….
He sat there with me and asked if I was ready. I decided to take a few shots of Grey Goose to make sure the job would be complete. He did it and all I remember was falling into the couch and going to sleep. I thought that was it…I WAS FREEEEE!!!
But then reality set in when I woke up in the back of an ambulance. Yeah, lets just say I wasn’t a very happy camper. I was mostly upset that he panicked after KNOWING what he was doing and tried to act as the hero.
Well I’ve learned my lesson and I guess I have to go out a semi painful way…but hey, better than having to be here another day. He’s really not even half my problems. My health has been in decline and I’m only in my mid 20s. My eyesight is going as well, I don’t want to be blind.
I feel bad about my friends and family, but they’ll survive. I’m sure the huge wad of cash they’ll be inheriting will help ease those sad times.
Time to run headfirst into that wall. Hopefully the cats don’t take too long to devour me! 🙂
1 comment
Wow the mouse thing u said is an awesome example