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What the fuck should I do

by tuningout12

Fisrt of all I’m not proud of this. I’ve never thought I would be publishing something in a page like this. I guess there’s a first time for everything.

Second, I’m spanish that’s why my grammar sucks, pretty much that.

I have no idea where should I start. I’ve been depressed for a lot of years, I tried to kill myself a couple of times but I didn’t suceed.


My parents are not together, they divorced when I was eight. My mother started returning really late from work, kids started bullying me at school, but I could handle it, until I was twelve. My father was getting married with a really awful woman. I started getting psychological abuse from both of them and I started failing almost all subjects in my school. My mother got really mad at me because she said that I wasn’t doing my best and that I was the worst person at the family, that I was a failure, and she even mentioned killing herself because she couldn’t stand me, to cut a long story short I started getting psychological abuse from her too. I tried to kill myself but I didn’t succeed. Then, my mother discovered my passion for music and I started taking singing and piano lessons. It was the thing that saved my life. I was still feeling very ill but at least music made me feel better. Then two years later, everything started to get even worse, the psychological abuse was too much to take and my mother started getting drunk each night and tearing the whole house apart. Sometimes I even woke up at night because I heard her breaking down things. I started getting really bad anxiety to the point that sometimes I couldnt even breath and pass out for a couple minutes. Then I decided the best thing would be to move out with my father.

The first year was kinda okay, these last two years has been nightmare for me. Her wife and the son of his wife had been spreading lies about me to the point that only half of my classmates talk to me, and the abuse was even worse. I even started getting physical abuse from my father and her wife.

Current situation:

Even my mother is sick, I really prefer to live with her and I tried to talk with her to let me return to her house but she doesnt want me there, she told me that I have to pass everything to be able to return.

The thing is that, I can’t pass my subjects because Im really depressed and I have really bad anxiety. The worst thing of all is that Im even studying something I dont want to. I really want to pursue music as a career but my mother told me that she wont pay for it; that the only thing she would pay for is my medical career, because otherwise, I would be a failure. The family failure.

Now, music is the only thing that has kept me alive. The only thing why I havent left, because it gives me purpose.

Now I’m in a constant circle of agony and pain. I’m supposed to finish school in a month. I have to pass two subjects I can’t pass because I suck at them. I even go to extra-classes to pass them, but I still can’t. (Btw that teacher is a ***** because she says that I’m the worst and that I’ll never pass, I tried to change my teacher but my parents wont even listen to me)

My sister was the one that used to help me but now she has really afwul problems and she can’t spend her time on me, she said I have to fix it alone.

If I can’t study the thing I want to spend the rest of my live in, Why am I living? Why am I dealing with all the shit that I get from my family?

Im very suicidal and I even considered doing it if this doesnt get better. I thought of doing it on the month of May.

I don’t know what the fuck should I do.

I can’t leave, because I have nowhere to go.

I can’t even sleep anymore.

And the thing is I’m actually scared of attempting music as a career, because of what of my parents said. That I will never succeed and I’ll be homeless (because if don’t study medicine like I said, they won’t pay me anything and the best thing is that they even threatened me to kick me out of the house; both houses)

My friends are starting to get scared of me for my suicidal thoughts so I have no one I can talk.

My classmates fucking hate me because of my father’s wife and his son.

I only talk to one or two people now, and I’m afraid of telling them this, because I don’t want them to get scared like the others did, and I don’t want these rumors spreading around.

Yes, I tried seeking help from my doctor, who said that I was stressed by school and that it’s normal. My father doesn’t want to cope with me because he says I suck.

Music is the only thing that keeps me alive, and if I can’t be the singer I want to be, I might end all of this.

I’ll kill myself in May.



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Diem S. Sky 4/25/2017 - 6:58 pm

Wow, that’s a crazy story. In a lot of ways your story is like my own, though I’m a senior in a uni so I’m probably older then you.

I can’t give you advice, because I’m on here just like you are, but I can tell you what I did in your situation. I basically sucked up to everyone that hated me, so much so that they never really felt how much I hated them all for what they were doing. It was a “turn the other cheek” approach because I needed them. I continued with my passions, and put all of my pent up anger into working to get into a good uni. I got in, and now independence is so easily within my grasp.

Thus, I offer you this advice. Do not show your true self to people irl. Sometimes the best approach to winning a confrontation is to lie to everyone about who you really are.

Diem S. Sky 4/25/2017 - 6:59 pm

EDIT: I guess I ended up offering you advice after all. But my “advice” should be taken lightly because I’m still not doing nearly as well as I wanted to, and my choices did inadvertently bring negative consequences as well as positive ones.

Anon1962 5/6/2017 - 2:29 am

Life ain’t worth it when you’re always the unicorn – invisible and unbelieved. I went through high school, uni, marriage… and now middle age. 55, no change. I still want out. Yeah, don’t show your true self, but then be alone and miserable. Some safety.

SweetQuietus 5/6/2017 - 2:43 am

@Anon1962. Yes. Tried explaining the invisible thing here before but it seems an enigma to some people.

adeblanc 5/25/2017 - 11:24 pm

You didn’t say much about your life, except that you’re 55. I’m 67, so, yeah the fifties suck. You have to play the game because people depend on you, but you’re just an interchangable part. You don’t really matter. Dying as soon as your duty’s done becomes a reasonable way to look at things. An odd thing happened to me about a year ago, though, which you might want to think about. I needed a job, so I wrote a resume. All I did was list things I’d actually done, and described how I’d done them. It was like writing my own obituary – but, when I was done, I felt pretty good about the man that resume described. I still need a job, but I’ll kiss no more ass for the sake of getting or keeping one.

At 55, you’re too young to realize what a long, long path you’ve travelled. When I actually looked back over my life, it surprised me how many things I’d done. You might surprise yourself too, if you tried it. Remember, though, if you write a resume, you have to say good things about yourself. If it’s easier to write your own obituary, that works too. You’re supposed to say nice things about the deceased.

Oh, one more thing. Don’t be too solemn about it. One entry on my resume is that I constructed a mathematical model for what happens when the shit hits the fan. I did that, I really did. I’ll bet life’s tossed things like that your way a time or two. Hey, if life can’t be grand, at least it can be funny.

Anon1962 5/26/2017 - 1:30 am

I’m well aware of all the things I’ve done, and I can say a lot of good things about myself. Lucky for me, I also had someone else saying them to me today. A virtual stranger. I just spent some time in a profession-related study course and seems someone took a liking to me. But anyway, right now my life is all about developing connections with people to learn about what job i can get to start a new career.

My situation is different than yours, as absolutely no one depends on me. I have no kids, and my husband wanted a divorce and the final papers should be coming out of the pipeline any week now. You are right that most employers treat people as interchangeable parts, but as unicorn that’s never going to work for me.

Thanks for your reply.

adeblanc 5/25/2017 - 10:43 pm

I’m 67, kid, so I remember a lot. A woman named Janis Ian wrote and performed a song named “At 17” in 1975. Learn to sing it – now. Start before May ends. Learn to keep your voice steady and your timing tight while you sing it. Then, when you’re technically good enough to perform it, learn to touch that well of pain inside you when you do. Perform that song, even once, before an audience of at least three and you are a singer. You’ve learned, and felt, and worked, and found the courage to stand up and face the judgement of an audience. Nobody can ever take that away from you. If one performance is enough for you, if you still want to die, it’s your choice.

On the other hand, no musician ever did their best work at 17.

I’m new to this site, so don’t know much about how it works. I don’t feel comfortable making any offer to help you, or even to reply to future posts. I can thank you, though, for this meeting. You invited me to feel compassion for you and to put my feelings into words. That may be the hardest, most beautiful gift one person can give another.

P.S. I wrote this to you. I wrote words that sounded like the right ones to answer your words with. Please knock off the “my grammar sucks” crap. You’re good at English and some part of you knows that.

PPPP3 5/26/2017 - 12:32 am

OMG, read your story imagining all of this happening to someone else. Your spirit is under attack from so many different sources, and has been for so long, it’s no wonder you can even breathe. What type of music do you like best?

Btw, I sense in your note, you realize how f–cked up and unfair your life is. Accept it, while planning how to get away from it all. Knowing the craziness can and will end one day,
I wasn’t going to give any career advice but you reminded me of a doctor I knew, and worked with who also was a passionate and very talented musician (weekends).
His lifestyle seemed odd too many, but I thought he was amazing. I don’t know which career he loved most, I suspected he really didn’t fully fit in with either group- But he was very happy and so interesting. You too can work it out, even if it means stepping back from one to return to it later.

A perky song I thought you might like: Jonny Diaz BREATHE https://youtu.be/hnjeMwxFuBA

If you like another music style, I have a folder saved with multiple songs like that spanning from instrumental classic to heavy metal hard rock (it’s what keeps me alive). My most listened to style is contemporary, pop, folky or soft rock. Without my songs, I would have stopped breathing a long time ago.

PPPP3 6/3/2017 - 2:57 am

Dear tuningout12, It’s June + I just wanted to check how you’re doing? Hope u listened to song “Breathe” link above. I’d like to send u more song links, (when u tell me ur music style). I hope u realize what a significant impact your note had on us here. Both sadness + hope and most important the compassion others expressed to U here. Until ur life offers u those things (+people connections) u need to feel joy+peace, just remember UR very special + the world would never be the same without u. God doesn’t make mistakes + the spirit he gave u to survive and appreciate life the second the 2 cells created u, was a joyous spirit (to love life + living), and not a spirit filled with gloom, hurt + despair, nor hopelessness. My spirit was shattered too by this world, and every time I witness/feel anything positive (big or small) like the concern here others’ expressed to U (“love”), my shattered pieces start coming together- They may never be glued back together perfectly, but it’s worth trying, for as long as you can endure it. Even if u don’t believe in God or your own inner spirit, hope u realize how important it is to seek joy+peace every moment of your life, it’s the only way we can stay alive. Btw, music fills many of the voids I have in my life due to lack of having any people here on earth that Love me. God does, but sometimes that’s not enough, or He or I would have sent me to heaven already. Idk, but both music + people may help lead u down the right paths, so u love life, again- just like when u took your first breathe. Take care. Gail (female, age 55). Someone who is hoping/praying to die, while trying to reclaim the joy/peace, my spirit, I lost on 051515. My future is dismal too, but miracles really do exist, once in awhile. For me, or YOU, Idk, but anything + everything is possible for both life + death.

PPPP3 6/3/2017 - 3:14 am

Add: You’re doctor is WRONG! U said, “…stressed by school and that it’s normal.” A spirit damaged so severely that death is more inviting, than living, is NOT normal. Please try to find somebody, anybody, that understands that. (Inner health is more important, than outer health, to remain alive on this earth). Please try to nurture and heal it. Take care.

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