I’m not mentally an adult yet, but I’m still expected to keep pace with every one of my peers who is, most of whom have been mentally adults for years and years. I feel like I’m trying to run a race with concrete shoes, and I’ve felt that way for most of my life, to some degree or another.
Did I ever tell you guys that one of my psychiatrists actually quit? Not his job, but my case. That’s right, I was such a mess that my psychiatrist quit on me.
According to him, and I’m paraphrasing him to the best of my memory, “Kat is very intelligent. Intellectually, she surpasses many people her age. But emotionally, she’s much younger than her age, which makes her a very difficult case.”
Too difficult a case for him to confidently handle. So he passed me on to another psychiatrist in another city.
I was shocked. Not because he quit on me, although I did find that bitterly hilarious. I was shocked that someone had finally put this frustration of mine into words. I’d always known that I was different—different in a bad way—and I’d always known that I just couldn’t relate to or keep up with most of my peers. But I never knew how to explain why, until he did.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to catch up. I can’t help but fear that there will always be this dissonance between mind, heart, and vessel.
39 comments
Hmmm…yea. You got emotionally hurt, so you got weak in that area, orrr you are a nerd lol… i am in the same boat…
Oh by a nerd i meant bookworm, sorry
Well i checked the dictionary again, it says, nerd also means expert in a single technical field, so its ok lol… you might be a nerd
How old are you?
Almost nineteen.
No offence, but r u 220 pound too?
Not yet.
Not for nothing but I’ve never put too much stock in those people. I had one and I ended up manipulating them into giving me drugs.
Um…okay? Good to know, I guess?
What o mean by that is that I have no confidence in thier psycho-mumbo-jumbo.
??? Pardon?
That psych sounds like, to paraphrase, a fucking asshole. He seems to be blaming you, which really pissed me off. I understand that not every provider can help everybody…but putting it on you is bs.
Yeah, he was sort of an asshole, and a very intimidating person. Made me very uncomfortable from day one. But I don’t mind what he did. If anything, that was the least asshole-ish thing that he ever did or said to me.
He was the one who prescribed me the medication that very nearly killed me. I think, in hindsight, that that was one of the contributing factors to him quitting my case. I think it might’ve shook him up. I don’t blame him for that incident either, though. He couldn’t’ve known I’d react that badly to the medicine.
Well damn, tell me he’s an intimidating asshole after I gave him a moderate nod…
But it wasn’t how it came off in the OP IMHO (acronym I just recently learned hehe)
Well, I had no reason to bring it up in the post. What I mentioned in the post, as I said, was the least asshole-ish thing he’d ever done to me. I was actually pretty surprised that he worded it the way he did. I’d’ve expected him to’ve been a lot less nice.
Oh right, so you did
Idunno, it could be considered honorable for him to step aside and acknowledge when he deems it too much of a challenge for his expertise. Perhaps he fears he cannot help you as you deserve.
It sounds too like you are able to take some solace with some of his words. It May help channel your struggle?
And Your Bitterly hilarious reaction is apt, I get that, but I wouldn’t take it personally. How long did you see him?
I would totally agree with you…except that was not the vibe I got. At all.
Yeah, that could be it. Either way, I don’t care too much.
Solace? Well, sorta. I’m just glad that I actually have words for it now. Before, it was just a wordless frustration swimming around in my head. I’m glad I heard him say those things.
I can’t remember how long I saw him for. Time is always a really fuzzy thing for me; it all blends together. Maybe a year? I don’t know. I’ve only had three psychiatrists. He was my second one. My current one is a lot better, although he still kinda rubs me the wrong way. Oh well.
That does help, being able to put words to it. There was a TV show I saw once (I don’t remember which) that made a joke about how men never talk about their feelings and the character said something to the effect of, I don’t think they can because they honestly dont know. It resonated with me, seems sort of accurate.
I’ve never seen one, is it possible rubbing you wrong is part of the job? After all, if I’m seeing a psychiatrist I’m thinking they’d want to push me out of my comfort zone.
Now that I’ve vented, maybe I can be useful. Why even worry about catching up? Just run your own race. Now that you’re more acquainted with your shortcomings, maybe it’s time to get more comfortable with your strengths. I’ve read enough of your posts to realize that you’re an intelligent, bright person. Dwell on that for awhile. 😉
Yes, I was thinking the same thing. Very strong, as well. Maturity is overrated anyway.
I’m worried about catching up because right now, my emotional delay is harming my future. Life doesn’t stop or slow down for anyone. But thank you for the compliment. I don’t really know how to respond to it.
Youre cray-cray.
Deal with it.
I don’t think I can.
I’ve seen you go through some very difficult times. You are twice as strong as most people here. You seem better lately. Are you back on medication or are you doing homeopathic tx?
Um. Order a drink and a fish appetizer.
Everyone is insane, you’re not alone here. Just live your life, youre no better or worse than everyone else surrounding you. You’re as trapped as the rest of the occupants here.
Are you buying, Mo?
I seem better? That’s weird. I don’t feel any better. And I don’t feel strong, either. But I appreciate your confidence in me.
I’m currently off my meds, because my doc is putting me on a new prescription, but we’ve got to fill out forms and go through all these other BS processes to get it, since it’s a relatively new drug. The stuff he had me on before was nice. It didn’t fix the crazy, but it did make me sleep. I love sleeping.
@Morris: Maybe everyone is insane, but some people are more insane than others. People certainly don’t treat me or look at me as if I’m just as insane as everybody else.
Well, you seem pretty amazing to me. You’ve been dealt a difficult hand. I hope the new protocol works for you.
Yes, sleeping would be nice. I miss a lot of things, sleeping is one of them.
Really though, I hope this works for you so you can focus on the living part of life.
I think that is probably pretty common for people who faced a lot of abuse and trauma growing up. It stunts your emotional growth and development. Causes personality disorders. Like you said, i don’t know if we ever recover from that. If our development ever catches up. Or if its just a deficiency we just have to accept and try to find a way to live with it.
I can’t imagine living with this, or with any of this other bullshit, for the rest of my life. I refuse to. Whether that means I fix it or kill myself, I don’t care. Whichever.
I dunno there are a lot of things we can’t fix. That doesn’t mean they will never be fixable though. Or you might develop better ways of coping with the issues. That might make it easier to live with.
Make a lot of sense, thank you.
sorry, wanted to reply to the first anhedonic apathy message
I would say that to be out of sync with your age is a good thing because it gives you visions and experiences others will never get. You are able to view your life objectively and make better decisions than others.
I think that’s true if you’re ahead, but not if you’re delayed.
It works both ways. To be delayed has its benefits. When you see your peers get ahead, you watch them and learn from their mistakes. So when you come to make same similar decisions, you can avoid making same mistakes.