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39 days left

by ShiSui

I feel like jumping out of my skin today because it’s getting harder and harder to cope with my unaware narcissistic fake ***** “oh but I’m your mother I gave birth to you” mother. It takes more than giving birth to be a mother, she really was just a stupid snotty girl in an adult body raising me. Hereditary wise she’s the reason I am the way I am. That’s not why I hate her, I hate her because of the acting like an do it all angel in front of others and a fucking mentally abusive demon behind closed doors. I heard boys with bad relationships and upbringings with there mothers have a hard developing they’re own masculinity and relationships with others girls. I never had a gf and I don’t feel mentally masculine. So it goes to show I guess. Idk I had to vent about this my mother is mental parasite and she’s too stupid and unaware to understand what she’s doing is wrong even if you tell her she’ll zone out and come with an excuse or just leave the room. God she’s just so fucking fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuukkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkxjzbzbbx I hate I hate her I hate her I hate her I have dreams thoughts urges of so many grusesome ways I can kill her but then she wins so I control myself but these urges get so strong but no she would be a martyr me a killer and the truth would forever be distorted. I can’t wait until I’m gone my head splattered at the bottom of that cliff fuck I hate waiting but it has to be my birthday I want it to remembered as something bad not good. The day of my birth and death. Fuck this I’m just so resentful this morning and tired of living another day.

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fally 5/21/2017 - 5:32 pm

conditioning man. while you are right, remember that our future children could say the same thing about us without realizing that we too had the right to blame our parents for how we turned out. I mean it’s true but it won’t get you anywhere. our parents also watched their dreams being crushed by life and raised us with their emptiness, desperation and anger.

FarahLajeenNourAlDeen 5/21/2017 - 8:19 pm

@fally once again… you are very thoughtful & kind

@ShiSui
I understand you’re angry
believe me I do
& most probably reading this u will feel angry towards me too

& it’s okay
I deserve it
I’m being pushy & intrusive
& I know it
but I only do it because I’m trying so hard to get through to you

Yes,
a mother can & often does really get under her children’s skin
& drive them crazy
& even make them think about getting rid of her

but then,
exactly as u phrased it,
“she wins”

Ever wondered why?

Why does she win?
Why does she win, not once or twice but every time?

I know it’s hard to believe that you could hate someone so much & yet still love them

but I do believe it’s true
this can & does happen

& I also think that this love inside of us towards our mothers
has its deepest roots from their love towards us…

Yes your mother is not angel
& it’s okay if it makes you angry that she acts like she is
but that doesn’t have to mean that she’s a demon

I’d say, she is just human
& as human, she has faults & she does mistakes
& some or all of these faults & mistakes have gotten you where you are today

I understand that

but she does love you
& I’m sure she was not intentional in getting you here, to this dark place
she just couldn’t help it
call it ignorance or helplessness or lack of action or disorientation or simply not knowing what to do

she failed you
I understand that
but that doesn’t mean that she loves you any less
& it doesn’t change the fact that it would break her heart to pieces if you go

I also think that she runs away from conversations because it hurts her to know that she’s troubling you all that much or that you’re in such a mess
& she’s clueless as to what she should / shouldn’t do or say
she’s scared of facing where this conversation is heading to

You talk about masculinity
can you try
just for the sake of trying
to take a deep deeeep breath
& talk to her in calm reassuring manner

Slowly walk her through what you want to say without scaring her

I think this would be a very masculine & manly thing to do

Can you try?

Yesterday u wrote that u think my words are all nonsense & that it’s just self fulfillment
& I understand why u’d say that
but I need you to think about this

What would I practically win out of you living an extra day?
Why put in all that time & effort of writing to u over & over again when I already tried once or twice?

I’m still truly hoping you can reconsider or at least pause this countdown
if not for your own sake
then
for ur mother’s sake…
for that same very reason that makes her win,
& makes you control yourself

Control this

You don’t have to do it
You don’t have to go ๐Ÿ™

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