A lovely friend from my church went to the movies with me this morning, to cheer me up, and try not let me spend too much time on my own.
It was a good movie, funny and heart warming. But I discovered that I’m back at that stage where I cannot even laugh anymore. My brain registered the funny bits, but I didn’t laugh. Instead I sat there silently crying, because I couldn’t really enjoy something that should have been very enjoyable. After that I’ve just been wasting the whole day feelin miserable.
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I guess if you didn’t enjoy it really was not that enjoyable? maybe the funny bits just weren’t that funny to you? what I’m trying to say is that IMO you are in a different state of consciousness, that’s how I view depression. you can not fully enjoy everything others enjoy, there is nothing wrong with you or them. except that you are not happy of course, but this is the cost we pay for being aware about the absurdity of life through every minute of it.
I know fully well that that’s what depression does to you. I was hoping all week that after a medication change I’d be on my way back up. During the week working hard had distracted me enough to hold it together. Ads soon as I’m at a loose end I fall apart.
I’m trying, but I haven’t got much left to fight back. I have all the support anybody could wish for, but it’s not helping. I’m just so tired.
This post speaks to me because I have friends who suggest funny or “feel good” movies to cheer me up. They mean well, but they don’t get it. EVEN if you lost yourself in 90 minutes of nonstop laughs would you really go home and feel good and say to yourself that your life isn’t so bad? Or more likely would you snap back to reality and realized how bad your life is compared to 90 minutes of losing yourself. Same goes for getting drunk or pills, at least the ones I’ve tried. Same goes for vacations and parties and nature hikes and all that stuff that shows you the happy side of life that everyone else sees. Now you see it, now you don’t. I agree with your post so much and wish I could show it to all my doctors and family and friends. But then I guess they would stop trying and I don’t want that. I just want someone to help me find something that works.
Something amazing happened. A friend from my church messaged me: are you safe, do you need company? I told her I was safe, but it would be good if she came over. It really helped. I feel much calmer now and can face another night and another day.
That’s great to hear. Don’t lose touch with your friends and acquaintances because spending too much time alone will only let the sad thoughts seep back in.
Hey mate, young chap over east aus, im not always on here but happy to share other contact info if ya need someone to talk too, god knows i do sometimes. Already tried twice and failed obviously, remains to be seen if thats a good thing but i think we are meant to fail, because then if and when it happens it was meant to be the time.