Some of us didn’t want to develop an asocial personality. In fact I’m pretty sure everyone with such personality trait didn’t want to develop it. It just so happens that there was once a time or sometimes multiple times where such personality felt safe. This safe zone eventually became our norm because of how safe it felt and also because we lacked trust in other people. The younger you are when you develop this behavior the harder it is to break free from it. It’s especially hard to break free from it because it feels like its perfectly fine to live this way. But its not ok to live like this and unfortunately many people with this issue figure that out “too late”. By the time you realize you’ve been running from your fears all along, people within your community already have a negative gloomy image of you. Thus even if you decided to change, it becomes hard for you to reconnect with your community because they already perceive you as some dark gloomy individual. To be honest…some of us believe we were destined to be this way. For some reason we were chosen to become a victim of some traumatic event. This traumatic event usually occurs when one is young, vulnerable, and helpless. We were once like all the other kids but unfortunately someone or something hurt us so bad that we could never allow ourselves to be so exposed/vulnerable any longer. So we become that kid in class that everyone knows as the loner. People start judjing us harshly and start saying things like “don’t mess with Chris because he might shoot up the school someday”. And such claims are often so far from the truth. The truth is, we don’t want that image. We want to make friends but we have begun to believe that we have no right or sometimes we try to convince ourselves that we really don’t want any just so we can numb our pain.
The scar will always be there but we don’t have to let it control our lives. We can change and let people know that we desire companionship. There’s no shame in the desire for companionship.
We don’t think we’re better than anyone. In fact its quite the opposite….we think we’re not good enough for anyone. But its understandable as to why someone might see us as self-absorbed, unapproachable, and mean looking. Some of us never learn how to wear that “happy mask” so our face is molded by our sadness and negativity. Prolonged sadness tends to make ones face and body language appear sad and negative as well. Some people call this face “resting ***** face”. Unfortunately I developed it but I am recovering and making friends nowadays so there is hope.
I’m curious can anyone relate?
1 comment
Right on. There is definitely a future.
I am someone who never had a childhood trauma cause me depression but have battled with it for half of my life now (first diagnosed when I was 14.) I have no reason to want to die from an outsider’s view. Last attempted three weeks ago.
While I hope that your post helps people that have a reason to be suicidal, I think it’s important to note that suicidal ideation and depression doesn’t need to be circumstantial.
Life moves on and you will make friends. Trust me. There’s an irc that some people from this site use if you or anyone else needs to just type to people when in a time of need or if you just want OL friends.