Yes, I cut myself.
My only problem is, I find any reason to start cutting again.
I deserve every cut I have given myself.
Contemplating your suicide. Every. Single. Day.
The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.
Every thought is a battle, every breath is a war and I don’t think I’m winning anymore.
Emotionally: I’m pissed
Mentally: I’m depressed
Spiritually: I’m stressed.
Physically: I smile.
Sticks and stones break my bones, but words are what kill me.
Depression isn’t always that girl that’s crying in the bathroom or the boy that is always wearing long sleeves. It isn’t always suicide notes and pill bottles. Sometimes it’s all smiles and good grades. Sometimes it’s the boy that is always helpful and the girl that you always borrow things from. Depression isn’t always that easy to notice.
Forget me, I’m not worth it.
I’m just empty. So fucking empty.
Daddy, your little girl is insane and wants to die.
I say that I don’t want to talk about it. Actually, I do, but I’m afraid of your reaction. I’m afraid you’ll never see me as an equal again. I’m afraid of the pity in your eyes when you realize how screwed up I am.
One cuts, two cuts, three cuts, four. Come on darling what’s one more? Five cuts, six cuts, seven cuts, eight. Oh, what a mess this will create.
There is a hell, believe me, I’ve seen it.
Me: Sometimes I want to die.
Therapist: Are you feeling suicidal?
Me: Not actively, but if something bad were to happen to me, I wouldn’t necessarily be upset about it either.
Therapist: Please explain.
Me: I don’t think I have the courage to actually go through with committing suicide, but if I were to be walking across the road and a car was coming straight for me. I’m not sure I would get out of the way.
Sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I’m smiling, but inside I’m dying.
Some days, it was enough just to know I had that packet of blades in the house. They were a cold, very sharp, security blanket.
Better to inflict pain on myself, than to let other people do it.
5 comments
“Emotionally: I’m pissed
Mentally: I’m depressed
Spiritually: I’m stressed.
Physically: I smile.”
– I can relate to that for sure.
Whenever I read something like this, my first instinct is always to tell you that it’ll all be okay. That cutting is bad and you shouldn’t do it and you just need to love yourself.
The thing is, I don’t know why I would tell you that. I don’t know who you are, I don’t know where your life is. It may not all be okay, and I don’t see a logical reason not to cut so long as it’s well hidden and the blades are kept clean and wounds washed carefully.
Telling you that you’re worth it sounds empty. Telling you I’m just glad you’re alive sounds off. Empty. I have never met you, I don’t know you. You could run a kitten fighting ring in your spare time for all I know. Somehow I doubt it, due primarily to the difficulty of finding the target demographic for a kitten fighting ring and the challenge presented by giving kittens intimidating names.
It’s like starring at the night sky and asking the stars to keep burning.
I don’t know who you are, I don’t know what your life is like. But I hope you find something to make all this worth it.
Depression isn’t always that girl that’s crying in the bathroom or the boy that is always wearing long sleeves. It isn’t always suicide notes and pill bottles. Sometimes it’s all smiles and good grades. Sometimes it’s the boy that is always helpful and the girl that you always borrow things from. Depression isn’t always that easy to notice.
Me: Sometimes I want to die.
Therapist: Are you feeling suicidal?
Me: Not actively, but if something bad were to happen to me, I wouldn’t necessarily be upset about it either.
Therapist: Please explain.
Me: I don’t think I have the courage to actually go through with committing suicide, but if I were to be walking across the road and a car was coming straight for me. I’m not sure I would get out of the way.
*I relate entirely*
Validation on the way your feeling, you have it. Open mindedness to your struggles and processes while dealing, it’s here too.
Nice to see our professionals can understand… Having never have seen one I liked reading the dialog but you have me wanting more. Maybe one day the other shoe will drop but til then, I’m gonna hope that car careens over my once lifeless person
Thanks for sharing
“The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal.”
This for me is so true.