And seriously want to murder my moms drunk loser of a boyfriend. Maybe one day if things get bad enough, I’m really just waiting for him to hit her or something then all bets are off. I mean I wouldn’t kill him, probably just stab him a few times.
So I’ve been really good since my last post, did an ibogaine treatment and have been living in Mexico ever since. Been clean for longer than I ever have, and the visions I had will be with me for the rest of my life. I became a part of the ibogaine community here and made tons of friends, mostly ex junkies who were helped by iboga. I even got to help out with a couple sessions and play music for the clients during their flood nights, very very cool thing to be part of others healing after my own. And overall finally feel somewhere I belong.
The reason I’m back here is because of May 11. May 11 was the one year anniversary of my best friends death. The person I was closest too on this earth. That’s sent me into somewhat of a downward spiral of depression again. But thanks to my community and iboga it’s not TOOOO bad. Not like it used to be. I’m also going back to Canada next week after being gone for 6 months, not looking forward to that. That’s going to be the tru test of whether I’ve beaten my addiction or not. I’m going to miss the iboga and psychedelic community here as well as my friends, but they’ve introduced me to a couple iboga people back home so hopefully I won’t lose the whole community.
On that note, does anyone have experience with psychedelic medicine? After my experiences with ibogaine, followed by peyote, and some lsd thrown in (which I haven’t done since high school) I’ve felt better and more hopeful and in control than ever, besides these last couple days. It’s obviously not just the psychedelics, the community that surrounds the clinic is full of amazing people too. It’s been a long time(since my friend died) since I’ve been around people I’m entirely comfortable being myself around, and being able to share the parts of me I withhold from others in order not to be outcast. Now they aren’t perfect, no one is, in fact I’m pretty pissed off at one of my good friends right now, but it’ll work out. Part of me is ready to leave the bubble of this hippy little Mexican town, despite how magical it is, I’ll be back one day.
Anyways, I came here to talk about how depressed and suicidal I was again, but after typing that all out, I feel a lot better. I think ibogaine did something really positive to my brain, repaired a lot of damage, defragged my mind body and soul, and showed me how to begin creating the life I want. It really opened me up to new experiences too, which my social anxiety never liked, but it’s a hell of a lot easier to disregard it now. This may be tmi, but for example, I’ve always identified as bi but never really believed it. And a couple months ago I had sex with a guy, and it was fun. I think I still prefer women but it’s nice having options, and it was very liberating, as I’ve always been a rather repressed person.
Anyways that became way longer than I was intending, but it feels good to put out there. There’s also a letter my provider/therapist got me to write to my 14 year old self, and I feel it came out really well, so whenever I finish typing it out I think I’ll post it here. It feels good to let things out. I’m looking forward to the next chapter of my life, however it flows. Have a decent night everyone, hope you all can make it without too much pain.