Hey Ginger

So much of the way that you’re treated in this world and the opportunities that come across you are so superficial and aesthetically driven. If you’re physically appealing, you can acquire the partner you want, people build your ego and boost your confidence, you appear more approachable and you’re given such positive attention, eventually networking into a desired career or position. It seems like people have it all or nothing, the unattractive are born with that first strike against them and it all snowballs and avalanches into a life of torment and misery, all while the rich become richer. In this case I have described, my life was over before it started.

In the genetic lottery, looks like I had last pick. My entire life from being a small child leading up to modern day I have always been disappointed in what I am. I have no positive physical attributes desired by the opposite sex, and nothing to offer as well. I like to believe that there’s a cruel and merciless God out there who created me for his own amusement as a joke or some sort of sacrifice.

It all started from birth, being spawned from two almost equally unattractive individuals, I would later grow to find out I was given the worst genes and traits from both of them. Ok sure, maybe I was a cute baby but fuck, all babies are cute as they all look much the same. It was as I matured that I realized how terribly I had been shorted.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been uncomfortable with my pale skin tone and red hair. When I think about it retrospectively, kids weren’t bad in my old town in long island about it and I wasn’t teased quite as much. It was only until after a certain cartoon portrayed people such as myself to be soulless and objects of ridicule that my life was affected negatively. I really to this day don’t even understand the motive for all of the hate. It’s something I’m afflicted with and cannot change yet I’m under constant scrutiny and am faced with all of the same incessant jokes from low I.Q. dickheads who just repeat what they hear and think they’re funny. How is it not comparable to calling a black person a slur or using derogatory language towards a handicapped person? It IS a handicap for me and it always has been. Point is, a small portion of the population on the entire planet has red hair and guess who has the misfortune to not only carry but exhibit the poisonous gene? Yours truly.

I digress. I have always been extremely insecure about that trait however there’s more to it than simply that. Growing up and becoming interested in females I began to notice that they didn’t reciprocate that interest and were much more interested in my classmates. I was tormented by having to watch my romantic intrigues fall for someone more qualified time and time again, proving I was at the very bottom of the ladder. Hell, even a kid with down syndrome had a pity date to the prom. Guess who couldn’t even land that? There have been so many times I wished I WAS born with a clinical handicap or disadvantage, something that could be diagnosed so I actually received recognition for it, but instead I was just made out to look like a loser who did it all to himself.

As time went by in school, I grew increasingly awkward. Anything undesirable or repulsive I began to acquire. I had a HUGE acne issue, so bad I had to take the experimental drug Accutane for it which I began an abusive relationship with the drug in my lifetime. At one point I had acne basically anywhere you can grow it, not just on my face. My teeth which had grown in after losing my pre pubescent set, were growing in with a huge gap, so braces were the only option. Looking back I am thankful I grew up in a household willing to buy the braces for me, but boy was it torture. To top it off I needed glasses and began to grow the excessive body and facial hair I still have today.

Around this time I  also noticed how underdeveloped I was physically. I was painfully thin and couldn’t seem to gain weight, looking so malnourished that it began to grow into a concern for the teachers who wondered if I even ate anything at all. I remember being lighter than most girls in gym class and getting concerned looks from gym teachers. As a kid I used to look at bodybuilding magazines and pose in mirrors, fantasizing about the man I was about to become. Instead I was emasculated and tortured for once again being who I am.

Dicks of course come in all shapes and sizes and of course if you haven’t guessed already, I have a small one. Psychologically, this has really been something in my life that has eaten away at me. I remember being just a kid, like 16 or so and being so concerned with it and desiring a larger size I used to do “exercises” at night, I bought pills, I bought a pump and even walked around with a “traction device” strapped to my genitals for most of high school. If that’s not uncomfortable I don’t know what is. At the age of 19 I had surgeons all across the country calling me for a consolation for an enlargement surgery. In fear of complications, I backed out. To this day I feel uncomfortable wearing anything with an elastic waistband, in fear of my pants being pulled down and my secret being revealed. I have not been able to accept what I have, but cannot change it.

After high school things changed a bit. I began working out religiously and met a personal trainer. I was determined to change what had been plaguing me for so long. I became obsessed with altering my appearance, so much so that my community college grades suffered. As time went by I began using anabolic steroids. I did a few cycles and became a lot stronger, gained weight and felt a bit better about my situation. I finally had something that worked and countered one of my afflictions. I would later find myself weaning off of the drugs, as they’re something impractical which can harm you.

Years later through stress and alcohol abuse, combined with anxiety and just overall complications in life, I find myself to my current state. Beaten down and about to give up. Go to the gym about 4 times a week now, get drunk regularly and have a bit of a gut. Long red beard that grows down to my nipples and a natural look of disappointment of my face. I don’t think I will ever accomplish what I’m after in this case. I will always be uncomfortable with my appearance and forever be the one wearing a shirt and jeans at the beach.

That was a handful and a lot to describe. I don’t expect anyone to read that and perhaps it was too intimate. However, it’s been a major factor in my decisions in life and it’s something I wanted to express in my little memoirs in here, stating one of the reasons I find live not tolerable and unbearable.

I don’t mean to make this all about myself and sometimes writing things like that makes me feel selfish. But when I set out to be a regular here I decided I wanted one entry for each of my problems and that’s what I’m trying to do. I hope you all are having a good memorial day and are hopefully off of work. Perhaps reading this will even be a boost of self esteem for other guys on this website, making something positive of my shortcomings.

Sincerely,

Hairy gorilla looking little dicked loser.