As I probably said on here at some point on Sunday I was very serious about killing myself. It pisses me off how much everyone else makes it about them. It’s as if it doesn’t matter that I choose not to kill myself over and over. I’m made to feel guilty for trying to cope. Anyone relate?
So the situation came to a head over something I said last night. My significant other and I were hanging out after a long day. I was trying to explain my new escape plan. She doesn’t want me to go to the hospital because of the perceived expense. So she had the idea to get out of town. I had developed that further by saying I could bug out to a state park. That was what drove her over the edge. Apparently me being very seriously suicidal doesn’t phase anyone at this point. However me getting in my car and driving away rather than check myself in is too much. So I had to promise not to do that.
I also screwed up by telling her I had a bag packed for the hospital. I understand abandonment fears, but fuck this is frustrating to be trying to consider her feelings while also engaging in a very challenging task to keep myself alive.
Not particularly suicidal now (no more or less than average). Just pissed. I have reclaimed my office which I have nicknamed the coffin, because it is where I go to be dead to the world.
5 comments
The whole mindset towards suicide is odd. We are tired of the pain and seek an escape, and are told we are being selfish and that our actions will hurt others. Yet, we are asked to not commit suicide and continue living with our pain, in order not to cause anyone else to feel pain.
Stop being selfish, deny your pain so we can be selfish and not feel pain. That’s how I interpret it, at least. These same people, in different circumstances, will offer you (us) the advice of “always doing what is right for you.” So how is this an easy decision to make, and what factors are more important and worthy of recognition? Hell if I know.
I’m wondering if maybe your SO is having a difficult time reconciling the fact that you would be in the hospital due to negative stereotypes? I’m assuming you’d be checking in for suicidal ideations, etc. Maybe she’s just torn between the options you’re considering and is extremely frustrated.
Indeed. I think you are on the right track with the concept that it is painful to my family for me to check into the hospital. This week marks a year since my discharge when I lost all control. A year is still pretty close, and they all remember their pain at seeing me in that state. Yet I have to hold on until I get to the point that I begin to lose all ability to make sense or control myself. I don’t think they realize I can be in complete control and kill myself.
It’s actually a problem of a job done too well. I do too well around others, they can’t see that inside I’m thinking about whether this rebound will stick. They can’t see that I can’t take another fall from a stable life that I build myself. Getting too deep in the metaphor you can’t build an unsinkable ship. The world is full of storms and iceburgs. People who live a stable life can’t understand what living every day like it’s your last really is.
Depression is isolating. Apart from those that study it I don’t think many people get it. I’m not sad, sad I can deal with. I’ve just seen enough of my plans fail to anticipate how I’ll react next time. Every failure drags me deeper. *sigh* I’m just so familiar with loss and pain I have trouble remembering pleasure and joy.
One line from my intake says it all “Patient is very poor historian”, meaning I have trouble remembering how I got here. I told my SO that and she laughed, I think it’s funny too. Funny how dehumanizing this disease can get. I love her very much, and trying not to hurt her is often the only thing keeping me from taking my exit….
Yes. It is when you are in control that you are better able to take your life. People in the throes of depression rarely have the wherewithal, it is in the going down or the coming up where one finds the strength. I guess I’m saying I get it.
Maybe waiting for rock bottom isn’t the best game plan. Maybe talk to your doctor about changing up the meds. Sounds like you do have a reason to live, even though I get the repetitive reinforcement the cycle brings,
Depression is debilitating, it can stop you dead in your tracks. When you become accustomed to negative outcomes, it can be difficult to find your way back, and this sounds like part of what you’re dealing with.
It sucks that you have to maintain a strong appearance, while on the inside things are much different.
Yeah, it’s got to be a hell of a challenge to balance your SO’s wants and needs while fighting suicidal urges. I can see where problems might develop there. That’s probably a big difference between you and me. I’m too selfish to have a SO, at least you’re trying to make it work.
This post reminds me of a movie I saw recently because it’s eerily similar. It’s called “Realive (2016)” .. deep sh*t.. very very.. deep sh*t.