i can hear you

sometimes, i put my fingers to my neck to feel my pulse. usually it’s late at night, when no one else is around and its just me and the sound of your voice ringing through my head and bringing tears to my eyes for no reason because i’m supposed to be past you. i put my fingers to my neck and i feel my life beat below them, fast and thready like the way my thoughts race. when i do that, that unthinking check to just make sure i’m still alive, i remember the way it used to be, you know. the late nights with my fingers threaded through your hair. you’d let me twist my hands through your hair likes waves through the ocean. back and forth. that’s how water loves. your laugh in my ears. your breath singing love songs to my neck. i shake and think about that and realize that i wish my pulse would just stop.

i stopped living once you left, i don’t know why i can still feel the blood flowing in my neck. i don’t know why my heart is only working when it comes to beating. you won’t look me in the eye. i can’t blame you though. whenever i see my eyes i don’t know who they belong to. i did this. it was me. i lied to you, and to myself. i said i didn’t need you, i was fine. i said i was someone who i’m not. but i don’t understand my own thoughts. so i had to lie. because how could i let you get to know me if i don’t even know myself?

my life is made up. you were the only real part. i’m starting to forget so i made a list. your favorite color is yellow. you have this small vein on your forehead the strains out whenever your upset or excited. you actually like the watermelon flavored candy. you want to succeed so badly that you’ll give up the enjoyment of little things. you hate me now.

i can’t write down the important things though. the way my stomach would churn whenever you glanced in my direction. the feeling of your lips. the warmth of your arm around me. the way your voice sounded at 3 in the morning.  sometimes, i feel as if my heart is going to tear me in two when i think about it. i can’t do this anymore. next time, when i put my fingers to my neck, i want to feel nothing. i need to feel nothing.