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I chose to live…

by N19W

I hope you are doing okay, and it is okay if you are not.

Sometimes I do not feel okay, and I almost ended my life because of it.

I have allowed myself to heal for three years before making the decision to share my story. This is not easy; the feeling of being vulnerable is hard to swallow, but I have accepted the social ramifications of allowing myself to open up publicly. I want to help others by sharing my experience because I know how it can feel to be alone. This piece carries a heavy trigger warning.

At some point, simple tasks became overwhelming and I stopped caring. The ability to express emotions and empathy ceased to exist. I cannot begin to describe the feeling that you feel when you lose connection with yourself. I became tired of being me, and it was a scary realization when I discovered that the person who was controlling my body was not supposed to be. It was never about death; it was more about shutting down the pain.

I believed that the night of my attempt was my last night. I stopped fighting. I was going to end it all. However, I realized that the end only happens when you stop fighting. I was not in a fit state to make decisions, but I knew I needed to find a safe environment to protect myself and to get help. My journey started in an ambulance and I spent a week in the hospital – I told my story until it felt like somebody else’s story. I talked to professionals, and the time spent with them was valuable. I got knocked down which did not mean I had to stay down, and getting to the point where you feel nothing does not have to be the end.

For three years, I let my mental health and the guilt of my attempt define me. Today, I know my pain is valid – my attempt did not make me weak. We all have moments of weakness, and we grow and learn to love and take care of ourselves. My story lives with me, but it does not define who I am anymore. I believe that my existence proves that I can make a difference in my own life; a life that is uniquely my own.

Please reach out to a family member, friend, support line:

trans lifeline: 877-565-8860
depression hotline: 1-630-482-9696
suicide hotline: 1-800-784-8433
lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
trevor project (A 24-hour, toll free confidential suicide hotline for LGBTQ youth): 1-866-488-7386
sexuality support: 1-800-246-7743
eating disorders hotline: 1-847-831-3438
rape and sexual assault: 1-800-656-4673
grief support: 1-650-321-5272
runaway (for when you are thinking of running from home, if you have a friend who has runaway, or if you are a runaway ready to go home): 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000
exhale: after abortion hotline/pro-voice: 1-866-439-4253

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1 comment

PhotographyIsMyLife 5/28/2017 - 7:44 am

Beautiful. Keep moving forward.

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