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I know my own little segment I am about to write may be pointless to most people, but I want to share my story to some people. To all those people, learning how to tie a noose, or learning what you can drink to die faster, or even learning the best pill to take to end your life, please don’t. As a child of suicide, I’ve come to realize how goddamn pointless other people’s pleas to not end your life can be. I mean, I tried to end my life a total of 10 or 11 times, I really stopped keeping track after the 8th time. But, last year in August, my father hung himself, and I haven’t been the same since. I am corrupted in the head, I have nightmares every goddamn night of the moment. I saw his body hanging in the trees behind my house. Hell, I had to move out of my old house because I couldn’t even walk in the back yard without the endless memories of his cold body in the body bag, or my dogs barking at his feet or the eerie feeling that arose my mind as I realized what was in front of me. Or how terrified I am of the fact that my younger brother was outside when this happened. I am a 15-year-old girl, with such a messed up head, that I cannot even begin to explain everything wrong. That day, my last conversation with my dad was an argument. I spend almost every night crying, begging for his forgiveness. My mom and I both have severe PTSD from this, and I now realize how messed up this world is. When I was 11, I began cutting. When I was 12, I tried my first attempt. Now I am 15, and all I want is to help people… Because I tried and tried and tried to get my dad help, but it never worked. I feel like I failed, and my whole family blames me and my mom for his suicide. I was 14 when he hung himself. I can hardly remember that night it happened, I just remember smaller segments. I never saw his face as he was hanging, and I am glad I didn’t, but I saw the back of his head and his whole body. I was the only person who actually seen this, only because the 911 operator told me I needed to cut him down, but by the time I walked towards his body he was already gone. He was cold, lifeless, slowly spinning in a circle. I remember being at my crossing, waiting for the ambulance and the cops to get to my house. Then I remember calling my best friend and rocking back in forth in the grass as I told her what had happened a few minutes before. I remember tucking myself into the smallest visible area on my deck, knees to my chin, crying and screaming and just wanting to run away and never look back. I remember checking on my innocent siblings, as they were guarded against everything that was taking place outside. I remember the screams and sobs of my whole family as they finally brought his body down after two hours. I remember slowly approaching his lifeless body in the body bag. How cold he was, how all they’d let us see was his head. I remember holding onto him as tight as I could before they took him away from me. I remember how cold he was, and how the marks were still on his neck from the noose. I remember someone hugging me trying to calm me down when all I could say in my weakest voice was “Wake up daddy, I need you.” I don’t really remember anything after that, just later on in the night, I remember a thunderstorm with no rain suddenly appeared right above my house and stayed there for a good half an hour, hardly moving. Now every night I replay these memories in my nightmares. I wake up sweating and crying, I wake up numb sometimes too. And that feeling could last the whole day. I am shaking as I am writing this, but I want people to realize what suicide really does to you. Suicide truly does fuck up people that love you. I knew my dad thought I didn’t love him, and I hate myself every day because I didn’t tell him. I didn’t let him know. If you are on this website for advice on how to help someone, don’t give them a suicide prevention hotline number, reach out to them. Make them realize that they are needed in this world. Tell them that you love them. Don’t let them believe that they have a reason to end it all. Stay up all night reassuring them that you need them. Don’t be like me, don’t lay on a grave and cry and beg for them back. Don’t realize too late all the things you could have done. Please, don’t be like me.

And if you are one of the people out there contemplating suicide, please know you have people out there that love you. People that will end up like me, wanting to take their place just so the people around you wouldn’t hurt nearly as bad. You see, you may not realize it now, but your death seems like it’s pointless, but it is not. It will crush the hearts of people around you. The people around you could end up like me, an emotionally torn person. I do not like to retell this story that often, but if it means I could save someone’s life, I’ll put myself in the state I am over and over again.

And if no one told you today, I love you. You have a reason to live, you just have to search for it. Find something, even if its small, and make it your reason to stay. I am always open to talk to anyone that needs help. I have a twitter dedicated to anyone who needs help. @augusttwenty16. If you do contact me, your name and our coversation will remain confidential.

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thehusk 5/2/2017 - 10:44 am

I feel for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story.

I know you’ll struggle to believe this, but It wasn’t your fault. Some people can’t be saved – that responsibility is not on you. The reasons that lead people to suicide are often complicated and build up over many years. A million tiny little things can contribute. You can’t know what would’ve needed to be different for him to have wanted to stay.

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