Too bad this world is based on luck. Will power means nothing. You just have to be born lucky, if not, you are better off dead.
There was something that could have fixed me 5 years ago. 100% fixed.. but unfortunately I ran out of time.
My head is now beyond saving. What I needed was so stupidly expensive and even after all this time, I am no where near close enough in getting it. Besides, it’s too late anyways.
I already gave up. I don’t care about “family” or “friends”.
I am close to no human. I don’t care about anyone or anything anymore.
My head is rotten. I got so screwed up for something that wasn’t even my fault. I want to die with such passion.
I have to die. It is my destiny. 5 years of immense hell and humiliation is enough.
I was a man but this sadistic god turned me into man-child. I was castrated. Emasculated beyond belief. Humiliated beyond belief.
I am ENTITLED to a FREE and PAINLESS suicide.
Would I be willing to pay for it? Yes, I wouldn’t care about the expense so long as I could meet the price, but I wouldn’t want to pay for it because that is just how entitled I feel to a peaceful suicide.
I have EARNED a peaceful suicide. It is my RIGHT.
Why the hell does suicide have to be such a difficult act? Stupid sadistic god.
5 comments
What happened 5 years ago?
I’ve been to the mental institute twice, I’ve told certain people anonymously, I’ve talked to therapists, I’ve talked to psychologists, I’ve talked to counselors and not one of them understood.
They push down THEIR philosophy down your throat instead of putting themselves on your shoes. If they can’t understand, what hope does a stranger have?
I keep it vague most of the time because no one will ever understand my hell anyways. No one will ever understand my hell. My personality was just too unique to be related with. NO ONE that I have ever seen ANY WHERE has had my obsession for the thing I used to love.
What I had was worth more than all the money in the world.
What I had had infinite value. I was drunk with happiness before.
I’venever had sex, drugs, alcohol, or anything else that symbolized impurity/weak will power.
I used to be conceited. I was an elitist I won’t lie. What I used to have made me feel a constant high. My brain was always stimulated. I was always happy. I always felt above impurity. I used to see myself as a symbol of purity but then it happened. This god emasculated me. It was predestined, I know it was.. I don’t want to believe in god but I don’t believe in evolution.. not to change the subject too much but I don’t believe in the evolution of things not needed for survival such as a smile (or any facial expression), mating dances, how you go from a bird that can’t build a nest to one that can, the evolution of zebra stripes, etc.
Why would natural selection fixate things irrelevant to survival? Smiles alone disprove evolution in my perspective. All luxury traits do in my eyes…too bad too since I desperately want to off myself but my fear of hell keeps me here. This stupid tyrant..
The immense pain I endure every single second I’m awake. My hate for this tyrant god. My hate for those foolish parents. My hate for this LUCK based world where will power means NOTHING without the proper resources which again, requires luck to even have.
Luck based world = no freaking point. I can’t fix what happened to me. I just don’t have the resources I am entitled to.
In my eyes, everyone is entitled to equal opportunity but unfortunately that is physically impossible.
You can’t choose your genes. Your height, intelligence, looks, the income of your parents, etc.
Stupidly designed luck based world.. I am above this world. I am entitled to a world that is fair, not one that rewards you for winning the freaking lotto.
I’ll just say it but keep it short. I have greater detail written on another post I made here but basically training was everything to me.. I don’t want to say what screwed up my head but I have written it here before.
I used to do 17000 pushups with 45 lb, 51k situps, lift a 20lb dumbell without stopping for an hr per arm. 2 hrs total. Around 1800 times per arm basically. Used to run on my own, sleep with ankle weights, I basicaly did every single thing you could imagine. Every kind of stretch, every kind of exercise. From age 12-16 I would train every.single.day for hours unless I was sick. I loved every second of it. I was going to double that^. Double it the month afterwards then double it, then double it again.
I wanted to reach the ultimate pinnacle to my will power. I was so obsessed. I loved it so much.
I was obsessed. I wanted to break world records. I wanted to be the most dominant human. I wanted to be king of all humans in my head.. secretly however.
I loved being alone before. I never boasted, just to myself. I kept all my conceited thoughts to myself.
Was it so wrong as long as I wasn’t outwardly toxic?
I didn’t have friends simply because I never related to anyone. People even now still talk about the same thing. Sex, drugs, etc.
Disgusting things I loath.
That is why I have no friends, because I am the opposite to most people.
But that was okay. I had training.
Then.. I was emasculated… it hurts every single day to think of what happened to me.
This life lost all meaning.
I have close to 3000 suicidal notes on my phone and even that doesn’t do it justice.
My life is a living hell. I want to die especially now that I’ve lost my youth. 22 but I refuse to live passed the age of 26..
There is so much more to this story.. but no one will ever understand my ultimate obsession. Unique to only me.. no one understands what it’s like to have the only thing you love in this world be stripped from you.
I might as well have no arms or legs. The height surgeries aren’t going to fix this mess anymore.
My head got beyond screwed up.. not even all 3 surgeries will fix me now.
I never cared about culture or society.
This has absolutely nothing to do with the culture of the U.S. where beauty is everything.
If anything, it disgusts me because the culture of the U.S. looks like a parody of my dream.
I lived to obtain a body that was equal to my will power.
Now it’s too late. I was numbed and I want to die.
I don’t want a family. I don’t want to be rich. I want to be me again.
Basically imagine the thing that gives you meaning being stripped from you.
To some it’s their wife and kids.
To others it’s their own given hobby.
Others, it’s their job.
Mine was my obsession for training.
That was literally all I had in this boring uncreative world.
I didn’t need some disgusting slut, drugs, or alcohol. I didn’t need to be rich. I didn’t need to have a family. I didn’t need prestige.
All I needed was to stay the freaking same… but my head got so screwed up. Imagine wanting to die for over 5 years without a single moment of rest.
Not even 1 fucking second where I get to be calm. Every single second I am in pain but this sadistic god enjoys it. He wants me to lose, he wants me to end my life and then burn in hell. That is why I am being pushed passed my limit.
Oh if only you could understand… it is a long story but no one will ever understand. No one COULD ever understand. My obsession was like no other. I really don’t think anyone had my level of obsession. That’s actually why I wanted to break world records before my head got ruined. I wanted to prove to myself that my obsession was truly the ultimate.
Now I am gone forever. The old me is dead. The superior me. Now I am just a shadow of my former self. That in itself is more than worthy for suicide.
Hey there,
To start, I’m very sorry for what you’re going through and what you are feeling…
U’r not to be blamed for this… I understand how cruel & mean people can be…
I’m not sure if what you are refering to has to do with your previous posts or if it is another/new issue…
I hope that you may clarify
but, my answer will probably remain the same
Sir, in my humble opinion, manhood/being a man is not about getting respect from people… To be honest, it’s not about “getting” anything at all…
Different People can either willingly decide or feel forced to give respect to & to never humiliate all kinds of different human beings… The good man in power, the bad man in power, the weak man in power, the childish man with physical strength, the child / children of a cunning evil man… Etc
Many of these do not deserve the respect they get… Many of them do not behave in a manly fashion… Yet they are respected… Does the respect they get make them mascuiline & manly?
In my opinion, NEVER…
Sir, the only thing that makes a man “A Man” is his action, his moral ground, his spoken word…
It’s what you give not what you get, that defines you…
You are in this world because you CAN do Good [with all its varying degrees & all its different ways]
It’s up to you to actually go ahead & use that capability… Do good, ignore what u get, focus on what u do & what u give
& yes, people’s words & actions can & will hurt… Because those who hurt are childish, unmanly & unknightly & will probably take a long time to realize how low their position is… I say defend urself to the best of ur ability [yes, sometimes this will be difficult, other times you will fail & it’s okay… A man & a knight surely can & will fall but as long as they are breathing, moving & their legs can carry them, they stand back up no matter what] , Forgive them & move on… That’s the most manly thing to do…
Do I make sense to you? I’d love to discuss this further with you but I need you to be willing to listen & understand… Please let me know when u’r ready
Till then, I ask you with all honor & respect… Do not go through with what you’r thinking… Don’t harm yourself no matter what happens
Kindest Regards