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Just counting down the days

by The riddler

June 3rd, 2016 was the day I snapped. I drove my car into a light pole at about 100kph. I just couldn’t/can’t handle life anymore. First responders arrived, I admitted to the crash being due to me wanting to die, and not losing control of the car. I was taken to the hospital where I was drugged up and put through extensive testing. I guess it was considered a serious crash even though I had no physical injuries. The next day I was transferred to a mental hospital for a 3 week term where I was supposed to become a mentally healthy individual that can become a functional member of society. I knew and know this was a waste of time since i have no will to live. I was put on an anti depressant and an anti anxiety medication. They did nothing.

Things have changed. I have a new found hate for myself. I used to hate not meeting up to other people’s expectations. Now, I can’t even lay down without thinking about killing myself and all the reasons why I should. I am not told by anyone that I should end my life or harm myself in any way. Like alot of people on this site, it’s all in my head. I hate my existence. I benefit nobody. I am easily replaced. There’s nothing for me here, I’m just a waste of space. I still feel the urge to kill myself to the same extent as last June,  I just haven’t found the right time to follow through and do something. I’m already dead inside, and it’s just a matter of time until I become a distant memory.

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WhySkyEnd 5/29/2017 - 12:31 am

Every time I drive my car I wonder how fast I need to go to make sure I die when I hit that wall. I constantly think about killing myself, I hate my life, I’ll never live a good life, I’ll never have a proper job, a girlfriend, a meaning, I’m a failure, a burden, a loser, and replaceable. If only there was some way we could donate our bodies to science and be euthanized. Oh how nice that would be, I’d sign up in a heartbeat. As you said, I’m already dead inside it’s only a matter of time before all I am is a name that will soon be forgotten. I’ve already told everyone I know that I want to be cremated when I die. That way I can remove every spec of my existence from this earth never to return.

Epilogue 5/29/2017 - 4:25 am

Man, I can empathise with so much of what you’ve said here.

heartlessviking 5/29/2017 - 2:50 am

You do not lack the ability to benefit others. Even by sharing your story you allow us empathy for our struggles. Not that I don’t long for…. an out. I recently stumbled upon an easy out, well, easy for an exit plan. I could make it look like an accident, simply because I am careless sometimes. No one would be shocked. They would still hurt. The illness wants us to feel alone. That is how it sinks in deeper. Yet we aren’t alone, are we? We’re here talking about our morbid obsession with the end of life.

If today were a good day to die, it is likely that tomorrow would be as well. Those dead inside can usually benefit from the deep patience despair can bring. If it is possible to seek a better support system do that. If it isn’t, do the best for yourself you can. You deserve good self care.

BlueDiamond 5/29/2017 - 5:37 am

I feel tempted to drive really fast too, but all I know is I won’t have a vehicle to drive anymore, and my vehicle is my only best friend. I would never want to hurt him.

midian monster 5/29/2017 - 6:52 am

‘I am easily replaced’
I think that’s what society is nowadays, a throwaway one.
Back in the day, people would keep and build things to last. Nowadays, businesses make things that break after weeks. Relationships can be thrown away (guess it’s easier to dip into the net than fix your problems) Profits over people.
I feel for you. I think a lot of people feel the same way about this bs life. Shallowness and greed are rewarded, while kindness and understanding give others the ammo to fuck us over.

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