June 3rd, 2016 was the day I snapped. I drove my car into a light pole at about 100kph. I just couldn’t/can’t handle life anymore. First responders arrived, I admitted to the crash being due to me wanting to die, and not losing control of the car. I was taken to the hospital where I was drugged up and put through extensive testing. I guess it was considered a serious crash even though I had no physical injuries. The next day I was transferred to a mental hospital for a 3 week term where I was supposed to become a mentally healthy individual that can become a functional member of society. I knew and know this was a waste of time since i have no will to live. I was put on an anti depressant and an anti anxiety medication. They did nothing.
Things have changed. I have a new found hate for myself. I used to hate not meeting up to other people’s expectations. Now, I can’t even lay down without thinking about killing myself and all the reasons why I should. I am not told by anyone that I should end my life or harm myself in any way. Like alot of people on this site, it’s all in my head. I hate my existence. I benefit nobody. I am easily replaced. There’s nothing for me here, I’m just a waste of space. I still feel the urge to kill myself to the same extent as last June, I just haven’t found the right time to follow through and do something. I’m already dead inside, and it’s just a matter of time until I become a distant memory.