Well… Telling him is something I regret. Again, this just shows how awkward it is for everybody what happened to me.
I isolate myself further through reaching out to people I thought I could trust, how ironic.
So now I just have my regular breakdowns, days on which I just can’t grasp why I have to be a burden for everyone. Always making the wrong decisions.
And I just can’t take it. I cut myself, I’m getting reckless with alcohol and drugs and some days I can’t get out of bed. I just don’t see a way out.
-well that’s not quite true. There is one way out.
But even that I can’t do because I would hurt my family. I mean, I know they don’t love me, they just love the idea they have of me.
They love who they think I am. How they wish I was.
I would destroy the picture with my suicide and that would hurt them a lot. I would be a burden again, doing everything wrong again, being unpleasant and inconvenient again.
So I’m in this weird state where I keep up the joyful facade for the people around me while I constantly feel like I’m crumbling on the inside. Often it hurts so much the pain flows from my heart to my fingertips and toes and I can’t breath while I fake a smile.
“No, it’s ok, I’m fine. Sorry, I’m just tired, I didn’t mean to be rude.”
This was probably a very boring story. But it’s my story, it’s what I think and feel and I’ve put it out there now. I’m sorry if I’ve wasted your time.
4 comments
You have gone trough very hard stuff, I look up to you for that and your story isn’t boring. I’m sorry for everything that has happened. Do you want to talk? If you do I will be here.
Best of wishes, Jen
Hi Jen,
Thanks for your kind words 🙂
It’s kinda hard for me to really talk about it because I always had to be the stronger person in my life.
I might have gotten beaten up by my ex, but I also had to be the person to hold him and smile when he apologized the next day and promised it would never happen again.
I might have told my friends but before I always was the one comforting and supporting them. I never expected anything like that from them. I was always that friend that could handle everything and knew what to say.
And it made me feel so good, like I was in control, like I couldn’t be hurt.
But I was wrong, to think that was really arrogant of me. I just bottled everything up and never learnt to share my feelings. So now I can only go through my breakdowns alone because I am too embarrassed to ever talk about them to anybody again. ^^’
Sorry that answer got out of hand, excuse the novel I wrote here.
It’s okay if you need to go trough this alone, I’m glad that you are okay but if you change your mind I will be here 🙂
I guess this is aslo why your friends didn’t react. because they probably thought you were in control of everything through your relationship as well.