This is my Life Story

WARNING – THIS IS REALLY LONG.

Only the truth is in this… the whole truth.

My Story

To whoever is reading this, whoever you are whether I know you or not is more than likely not relevant… I’m like you a human being. What it all comes down to is skin and bone, we all start out as the same and enter the world in the same manner. Why is it then that we all are treated differently later on in our lives? Our society has a huge impact on us growing up and how we are perceived as young people. I’m now 21 and for me it has been a huge struggle, living alongside depression and self-harm… Poverty and being homeless. Having no family and not really having a place I can call a home. For as long as I can remember I have not had a happy childhood. From the age of 8 I’ve been without a dad. Don’t get me wrong he loves me and I love him I just have not been in contact with him for 13 years. He got put in a secure mental institute in 2002, since that day everything from going to school and life at home got tough. My mother had to cope being a single mother and bringing up her 3 children, she was always at work and that was barely enough to cover rent and food for all of us. Luckily she managed… we moved around a lot. Living in hostels and houses where we were only there for a short amount of time. My mother was always looking for a partner, she had so many boyfriends after my dad. All of them were so abusive towards me… went days without food. Got locked in cupboards whilst they went out to shopping. I was never understood as a child. Throughout school I was bullied for what my dad had did – it was in the papers and on the news. Everybody knew what happened. I was skiving from school from year 7 all the way to year 9 because school was too hard for me. I never had any friends to whom I could talk too. At the age of 14 I moved to a new place where nobody knew about my dad, I thought great! I could start a new life where nobody knew my past… Boy was i wrong. I was still bullied. I was 6 foot tall, got told I was ugly and nobody would ever talk to me. I started to believe everything they were saying. Thus starting the self-harm journey for me. I researched into self-harming and looked at so many different blogs that had different stories about people who were self-harmers. I took a blade from one of my mother’s razors and used it against my skin. I loved it. Every day at school was such a nightmare for me, I was walking through the halls and it came to the point where I was avoiding everybody… I used to wait at places that nobody would go to just so I could get to my next class without any confrontations. High school was a time where I genuinely felt scared. Year 10 however was quite a good time for me… I met this girl called Jessica, who later turned out to become my best-friend J she was amazing, we did everything together!! We chose the same classes to do our GCSE’s in just so we could be next to each other and have our conversations when the class got mega boring! It came to the point where I was reliant on everything she did… I got upset when she didn’t show up to class or if she had dentist appointments. I enjoyed every minute of school when she was there because she had friends who were popular and because I was her friend I got accepted into that social group. Without her, happiness for me would be non-existent. The one date throughout all high school which I will always remember is December 01^st 2010. I had a birthday party on my birthday which is November 21^st but due to Jess not being able to attend because her parents were strict as hell I promised that I’d come to hers the following week. We planned to have a sleepover then go for a meal in the morning… prior to the morning she came into the living room and passed me her teddy which she adored so much. It was white and a polar bear! So adorable. She treasured this bear so much that I was shocked she gave it to me to sleep with. We said our good nights then she went to her room and we all went to sleep. In the morning I went into her room to give her the bear back. What I saw still haunts me to this day. She had hung herself. I don’t know why she did it, there was no note, nothing. I blame myself still to this day… my happiness went when she took her own life. She took my heart and still has it. I have yet to gain any more friends due to this because I do not want to get so attached to someone to watch them leave and have my feelings torn apart. Her suicide began the thoughts of my own suicide. Sixth form time now and I was still getting bullied but due to Jess’s suicide everything they said to me or did to me didn’t have any effect on me. Well that’s what I thought. I was always self-harming and even thinking about my own death. Contemplating how I would do it… which was more painful and which was quicker. I started too research into it and what I found was shocking. The more I researched the more I wanted to end my own life. From the age of 14 upwards I was always getting called a ******… however I did not deem myself to be gay others were already calling me it. Could they see something in me that I couldn’t? Nevertheless these feelings did not show till I reached sixth form. I ended up coming out as gay and announcing myself as gay in sixth form. I loved the way boys looked, how they had great jaw lines… started to picture them topless and the feelings I felt were amazing. People always used to put me down every now and then though. My mother didn’t take this very likely and practically threw me out the house and I had to live in a hostel with ex-offenders who had just come out of prison. I felt so different to everybody there. It was at the hostel where I had tried my first suicide attempt… Took loads of paracetamol. Low and behold it had no effect on me – I just was sick for ages. In 2012 I got my own flat and at first I thought great, freedom. There was bills to keep on top of and housing benefit only paid some of the rent. I ended up getting into so much debt and I stopped paying my bills. I had no electricity or hot water for ages. I never cleaned up… I lost all hope in living. I treated every day like it was my last… My attitude to life was if the police came I would just end up killing myself. I didn’t really appreciate anything. I wanted to die. I still get feelings now of wanting to die… There is always something or someone who is negative towards me and even though the effects of what they say may be minor… my mind just amplifies the comment by 1000 and I’m suicidal. I know that when push comes to shove and if someone said to me to end my life I probably wouldn’t do it… I’m not attention seeking by writing this, I just need a release and everything is just getting to me. I need to write it out and read it back just to get a sense of everything. I’m only human and everybody makes mistakes yet people always crucify me for them.

I always feel like I’m not accepted by anybody. I always feel like if I died would my mother love me again… would anybody even care. Heck, would anybody even notice I’m gone. Who would actually fucking miss my presence. Right now writing this I feel like nobody would. I have no friends… nobody I would really talk to when I’m feeling like this. I just keep everything locked inside and just hope people ask me if I’m feeling okay. Just those three words “are you okay?” is all I’m waiting for. What would my response be? Yes… I’m fine. More than likely that would be my response. Last time I felt suicidal was the other night. Whilst at my university accommodation and it was so upsetting. Here’s me thinking moving away from home into a place where nobody knew me would be the best thing ever and I would get away from all these thoughts. I guess I was wrong.

I always tend to come to the library now because in my accommodation I always feel like I’m going to resort to using a blade just like the old days. The other day in one of the lectures we had to talk about childhood and everybody in the group was writing so many happy stuff and there was me who was writing a whole lot of stuff… None positive. I just wish I had a happy childhood. I always feel left out of everything that is happening… I don’t go out and party like everybody else. I’m still very isolate when it comes to socialising… Everybody thinks I am confident but when it comes down to it I’m nothing of the sort. I put on a brave face and change my character to make people think I’m happy. I always get scared admitting that I’m not okay. People on my course at university are actually quite alright… I bet they all think I’m quite confident too! There’s this one girl who is on the young peoples and societies course and we click like anything! She so amazing but oh my god… When do I tell her that I find her attractive? I hate these choices that I have to make. Don’t know where to add this in so I’ll just add it here… whilst going through my abandonment from my mother and living in my flat I ended up going into sexual favours with older men for money. This wasn’t something I wanted to do but it was something that I needed to do to survive… it was my source for meals, a place to stay for a short while and my main source for money.

I was claiming jobseekers and this wasn’t cause I couldn’t get a job… it was because getting a job meant I would have been homeless a lot more sooner than I was. The government was paying for my rent and this was the only way I was able to live under a roof. The range of ages I would have sex with for money would range from the youngest of 27 to the maximum of 55. The most recent one was a 44 year old who was a guy who was deemed in a professional role in the community and he would pay me for sexual favours and sometimes I felt pressured into doing these things. However there was nothing I could do to get out of it because I was deemed an adult and every choice I was making was my own. It was like I was being groomed, they were feeding into my vulnerability. They took advantage of me… I let them. When I was going through this time in my life it was a tough struggle because I thought I was going to be relying on this for a long time. I had no way of seeing where I would end up if I didn’t get out of it. The scary part is if I had the opportunity to do it again I would possibly end up doing it again. I was living my life based on everything that other people had said to me, people used to call me all sorts of names and I would reflect on everything they had said and I would try and change the way I was so I could be normal again. I always seem to think people are talking about me behind my back, people look at me in a weird way and I would think they were thinking about me in a way that made me feel so paranoid. I have always had long black hair that was sort of ‘emo’, always have had it in a swoop sort of way. Everybody used to say I had “gay hair”. I have always thought I was different but not as different as everybody used to assume. But then again who else would be writing this so late at night in the library at their university because they didn’t feel safe being at their accommodation just in case they got a blade and used it against their skin because they missed the way it felt.

Two weeks have passed since I wrote this and not much has changed, I ended up getting drunk on Halloween and got a knife to my throat and kept saying that I wanted to die and that life wasn’t any good anyway. I used the knife on others who were trying to stop me from using it on myself – I didn’t do any serious damage but I did put it against peoples’ throat even if it wasn’t my intentions. I guess I wanted to die that much. I’ve told some lecturers about what happened that night and they told me to seek help and my course mate took me to the student hub and I had to register for an appointment with someone from the wellbeing team. I’m seeing them in 5 more days and even though it’s not something I am looking forward too because I don’t know how they can help me from doing killing myself. I mean my flat mates ended up taking all the razors and sharp objects from my room so I can’t harm myself. Even though they have took them doesn’t mean my thoughts have gone. I guess I’m hurting so much inside that all I want to do is see what it’s really life to be non-existent. I’ve done some volunteering and I met some lovely people and I started going to the ladybird project and on the 11^th November I went and played quidditch with them and it was such a great laugh because I wasn’t thinking about any negative thoughts. I can’t seem to sleep at night so I end up going to the library and playing runescape because it beats being in my room all alone.

The future isn’t looking all that good – I have my birthday soon and I don’t even know if I’m doing anything for it because everything is piling up on top of each other. I still have an assignment to do due in on the Monday coming up. I’m going to end up doing that on the Saturday and hope that it won’t take that long even though I don’t even know how to do an annotated bibliography. Even though it doesn’t seem long because it is only 120 words per annotation. I think I’m going to go with my course mates though for my birthday and hopefully my ‘mom’ gives me some money for it – she said she would but in honesty I don’t think she will and if she does it won’t be much. My bro should be giving me some money too but I don’t know he is going to do it because all he does is work and I don’t think he’ll come all the way to see me because why would he? I’m just a stranger to him – it’s not really like he knows me or has to do anything for me. I think it’s obvious why I get down all the time because all I see is the negatives in everything – I can’t fathom all of the thoughts in my head that are positive because nobody even understands how hard it is to be inside my head. I talk about my problems so openly and I feel I’m just annoying everyone with all the boring stuff that effects my day to day life. I’m not eating properly or sleeping properly for that matter. I can’t seem to manage a proper meal especially after looking at my body earlier and just seeing the state it was in. I know it’s a state and that it’s not exactly attractive but I actually can’t be bothered with exercise – I’d rather just sit alone in my room or come to the library at night. The course mates may talk to me or may sit in the room during the lectures but I’ve stopped going to most of them as well because I can’t wake up in the morning so everything is getting to me in a way. I put assignments and essays at the last of my priority when in reality it should be at the front of agenda.

I wonder if my flat mates are coming to my birthday or drinking on it – doubtful mind you but if they don’t I don’t think I’d care but if my course mate don’t let me come to hers on my birthday I’m actually going to probably break down cause fuck drinking alone in my flat. I wonder whether I’ll pull anybody. Heck I may go to a gay club on my birthday if I feel like it and the people I’m out with don’t want to come – or the music is kind of shitty. I wonder… shall I cut?

I want to cut myself again just to see what it’s like. I don’t know, would it be a good thing?

NEW CHAPTER

It’s now the end of October and I’m in a house now in my second year of uni; well that’s what I’ve been telling people who I’ve been living with. I can’t find it in me to tell them that I’ve not actually started, I can’t tell them that I can’t afford to pay the rent for my accommodation. 24/10/16 and I’ve made a noose, going to kill myself in my room soon and I don’t know whether anybody will read this but I’m going to keep it open on my computer and we’ll see if anybody reads this. I’ve visited my mother this week, I made sure I had an eventful week leading up to this so I could smile and welcome death. The flat mates are great and amazing, they have nothing to do with me feeling like this but I just can’t handle the fact that they are all going to be here all year doing uni work whereas if I was to keep on living life, I’ll have to find somewhere else to live. I can’t do that, I’ve moved around all my life. I’m planning to tell Unipol that there is a dead body in their room and that they have the burden of moving me and knowing that they had the hand in making me doing this. Government and their systems made me want to kill myself, why does money have to have a huge impact on people. I’m going to have to work on some sort of suicide note now… The joys. I wrote a suicide note and included everybody who lived in the house in it and left them a little message for them to read. I went on to YouTube to learn how to tie a noose to eventually tie around my neck, I made one out of some string but when it came to putting it around my neck and jumping off the chair, I just couldn’t do it. I tried my hardest but something kept me from dropping. I did eventually just let myself hang however because I’m tall I couldn’t find a place in my room for which I could efficiently hang myself. It’s now November and I ended up going to this mans’ house just to have somewhere to have a bath and something to eat and drink; – after advertising that I was offering business for services in the library – the police ended up arriving at the property looking for me and ended up saying that I was reported missing and they had to take me in. I explained the situation of me having nowhere to stay and they took me to St George’s Crypt which was a homeless shelter – I stayed there for 3 nights but during the day I had to leave the facility. Due to me having no local connections in Leeds due to not being a student at Leeds anymore they had gave me a solution of taking me back to Dudley, I took this opportunity as I knew I had local connections there. Arrived at Dudley and went to the library and messaged my Mom in the hope that she would give me a reply, I told her that I was in Dudley with my bags and that I had nowhere to go, she phoned her partner and he picked me up but he didn’t look too pleased with seeing me. I stayed at my mothers’ place for a week and a bit till she finally had enough of me and told me that I had to go to the council and declare that I was homeless with nowhere to go. The council had given me a list of hostels for which I was to phone and check if they had any rooms available – I didn’t do this as I was trying my hardest to get into Gibbs Road Hostel as I was familiar with it and knew that I would do alright there. I was allowed to spend 3 nights on the sofas but unfortunately I wasn’t given a room so Talent Match had put me up in a Hotel for 2 days. Wednesday the 30^th November and I was given a room in Gibbs Road. I was the new face in the place now and I had to ensure that I wasn’t a grass and didn’t do anything that would get me a bad reputation. I had money and knew that people would eventually find out so I had to try and hide it. I spent it on people and would give them food for offering me their company when I went shopping. Christmas time now and I had to spend it in here but luckily some residents offered to cook people some Christmas dinner for £10 a head but they said that I could pay £5 so I did. They were genuine people who I thought I could trust because they made me hot chocolates and would let me go to town with them when they went shopping or to the bank. I needed friends and that is what they offered. I gave them money and spent money on them on food because they had nothing. I borrowed them £10 so they could get some tobacco with the intention that I was getting it back. January now and I’ve got a boyfriend and he’s amazing and awesome, he does everything for me, cares for me and sometimes I wish I could be nice to him but I take advantage of him because I’ve never had someone care for me as much as he is doing. He mentioned that he has depression and that he hasn’t taken his tablets in months, I was looking through his drawers to see what stuff he had – nosy bastard – I found his tablets. I took two boxes of 40mg Citalopram with the intention of taking an overdose. January 4^th 2017 and I ended up in Intensive care for a week and I discharged myself because I had no more charge on my phone and I was getting bored. I’m traumatised from taking tablets or any form of drug – its left me scarred mentally and physically – When I got back from the hospital there was a lot of concern about me but I felt it was because I wasn’t there to support them financially for which I had been doing. A couple of days later a resident got taken into hospital and within a few days was discharged. I had a hospital appointment this day for some blood tests so I went up in a taxi with the residents’ partner with no intention of coming back with them. It had gotten to the point where they were assuming that they could get in a taxi with me or could ask me for money whenever I was around. But ever since that hospital incident of not taking them back with me they’ve been out to get me with regards of not paying me back and making all loads of petty complaints about me to the staff. Whenever I see them around they always make sly comments about me being gay or banging the keys on the keyboard because I touch type and they’re just jealous they type like slow retards. I’ve been told today on the day I’ve been updating this new chapter that I can’t have my Computer Stack downstairs when people bring their laptops down and do exactly the same thing which I can do if I bring my stack down – I don’t care anyways if they want to make a big fuss over it I’ll just lower the rent I pay and then I can afford to get internet cause I’d have to pay £59 one off payment and if I pay the £103.16 a month and after doing my budgeting I come off short so for one month it looks like I’d have to lower the cost I pay for the rent. I should be alright doing this as people have been living here for months and only been paying rent for the 2 weeks and not paying anything off of their arrears. I’ve quit smoking as of the 6/2/2017, given my tobacco to another resident so I don’t have temptations. The main reason of quitting was because of this horrible chesty cough I have, hoping because I’ve stopped smoking it would benefit my Lungs. As I’m sat writing this I don’t know what to do with my life – this place I live at is doing my head in and I can’t seem to get other people to like me. I ignore all their petty comments about me but it still makes them angry and say stuff. I knew if I lowered to their level then I would be the one who would probably get kicked out because I would have instigated it.

Friday the 10^th February and today is the day I go to Leeds to get a break out of Saltbrook Place, honestly I’ve never been so happier to get out of here especially after the night that I’ve had. The 5 of them, Latoya, Nathan, Ed, Emma and Ricky went out of their way to try and get a reaction out of me and as hard as it was to not give them one I bit my tongue and ignored the petty things they did. They banged on their keyboard to irritate me – see no reason why they did this except for the fact they’re jealous that I can touch type and if they attempted it they would write a bunch of gibberish. Threw handbooks at me twice on my head which annoyed the living daylight out of me – I even sent a text message to reception’s mobile phone stating that I wanted to chuck a chair at them. They eventually left to go for a cigarette and as they left Nathan said something referring to fags and stated that there was already one in the room. Obviously on about me. When they left to go back to their room I had all this anger in me that I had to release so without thinking I had picked up the book that got hit against my head and chucked it across the room and to follow that I picked up a stool to which I had been sitting on in quiet playing my game and launched it the whole length of reception without damaging anything even though I wanted to launch it through a window. In my eyes it was a better response to launch the chair after they’d gone because otherwise I would have launched it at a person cause in the mood I was in I could have killed them all. I emailed the manager and gave him a complaint because I have had enough of all of the drama and all of the targeting against myself. I just want it to end, I pay my rent and keep up to date with payments, I don’t deserve this discrimination, I’ve had it all of my life I don’t do anything to have it in my 20’s and especially from someone who’s older than me who should be more mature. Just because they’re in a group doesn’t mean they have to target me all of the time.

Trip to Leeds is in another 6 hours but I will leave in 3 hours so I can be assured I won’t miss the coach and will get through any traffic. Won’t be on the computer for a week so I’ll update this when I’m back.

Back from Leeds now and had to deal with George and having to delete his number and blocking him on Facebook just because he was annoying me and he ended up pissing me off just by how persistent he was. But at least Emma and Ricky have left now and have taken everybody with them so they are no longer here to annoy me. Caught the person in my old room picking my mail out of his post box because I had planted an envelope with my name on it on the 26^th Feb at 00:32. Going to speak to management soon to check if they can do anything about it because I’m not having someone opening my post. I’m enjoying teasing certain people and watching them argue at my disposal just because they cannot get their own way. Josh is really becoming a nuisance and needs to watch his mouth before someone knocks his head off.

The letter I posted seemed to work and he got the message, because I’ve been getting post from my old address in my letterbox now. George is now out of the scene and I’ve decided to go back on the dating scene and have met this girl called Kate, she is wonderful and amazing and she really completes me – I asked Ant whether he noticed a change in me ever since I’ve been speaking to Kate and he had said he noticed that I was happier. Kate has made me notice a change in myself too – she’s just the light of life – always making me happy and making me get a normal sleeping pattern again. I’m unsure when the right time is to ask her out but I don’t want to ask her out early because it will be the wrong thing to do and I don’t want to end what we have. All I have to do is look at her and she makes me realise all that I’ve been missing in my life. She’s made my life more positive and without her I think I’d still be the depressed little boy I was a few months ago – Looking back I can’t believe that I took an overdose because looking at my life now it’s so different to what it was 2 months ago. We’re currently in a WHATSAPP call and I can hear her type so fast but I’m typing faster! Typing test and I would win hands down, I love her.

Everybody in the hostel has basically turned their back on me because I’ve stopped talking to a few people – I’ve had to block them on Facebook because I don’t want them to look at my profile if we’re no longer talking. I’ve had one resident number 57 threaten to drag me off the chair if he couldn’t get on Facebook because apparently that’s my problem. It’s my problem that he can’t talk to his daughter and hasn’t for 3 weeks… Apparently it’s my problem that the internet has been going so slow… But if we’re all on the same server then surely if my internet is fast then theirs would be fast too. If mine was slow then I can understand theirs being slow. I no longer have a sick note from the doctors and the jobcentre want me to attend every Thursday this month in March. Apparently it’s to help get me in a proper sleeping pattern, but now I’ve Kate to help me do that.

Writing this on the 14^th March I have a resident looking at me through the window… Apparently it’s my fault he can’t do anything on the computer – I hate how it’s always my fault. My fault that nothing can go right in this place – Just got another look from another resident – they are really getting on my tits. I can’t wait until April cause I can then finally get Wi-Fi in my room and then stay away from all the people in this place – it’s the best thing that I can do because at least then I’m away from everybody and I can do what I want – play league of legends naked if I wanted too J

22^nd of April now and the staff at this place are really doing my head in – I mean this one member of staff who is as dark as the night is really aggravating me, threatening me with emailing the manager of this place – I’m sitting here on my computer – there are people in this fucking place who are doing drugs and drinking and really making this place a mess. I keep up with payments of rent and I am being as quiet as I can be, not doing anything to anybody, keeping myself to myself – it’s a Saturday and all this nigga has to do is bug me and make in a pissed off mood – I mean in 2 days I won’t need to bring the computer downstairs at all – and for that matter I won’t need to bring myself down here at all so I don’t really care – they moan when I am the reception desk and now they are moaning when I am away from the reception desk… Can I win? He said that he had an email from Johnathon and basically said that I couldn’t bring my computer down here at all… Then when I said show me a printout of this email he decided to change his story and said something along the lines of “no if you listen to me what I’m saying is he said I’m not allowed on the computer on these times” Then I said that nobody is on the computers at this time – the person that made the initial complaint has left the building forever so surely the complaint would be void. I mean heck, I don’t like some people in this place and I know for certain I certainly don’t like this nigga but I can’t really tell him to move away from me can I… Then it would be considered racist. Anthony is leaving on Tuesday 25^th April so when he leaves it will just be me and my computer – fuck everybody else. If Johnathon issues me with a notice I swear to god I’m going to fucking hit the roof and burn this place to the fucking ground – don’t even think I won’t… I’ll smash up this fucking place like it’s nothing – cause fuck being homeless. I’m going to go in prison and die in their cause fuck knows I am not able to kill myself because it’s quite impossible to kill myself when I can’t even manage to do anything that is so scary. Least in prison it isn’t going to be me killing myself.

I don’t really see the point in this whole restriction – I mean fuck me, there are people in this place that are actually breaking the law but does anything happen to them – NO. If they just left me alone then there wouldn’t really be a problem but because this nigga seems to pick on everything I do – I mean heck all I can think of doing is just killing him and his whole family and watching him suffer so much – until he apologises to me, but that won’t happen because he can’t speak a fucking word of English. You can see how mad I am because of how many swear words I am typing…. There really is no filter on what I’m feeling and what I am typing right now. Tempted to beat him with this table leg if he comes over to me right now – seriously not in the mood for anybody’s shit right now. Just want to play my game and just get away from the real life, because the real life is honestly the most boring thing ever invented, wait. Is life invented or does it just happen. I can’t wait for this guy to leave the building and go home, just as I was typing that the biggest slag going just walked past me in the shortest shorts ever. Like if you want to be fucked love, just ask any of the numbers of males in this building as they would love to fuck your brains out – oh wait; you don’t have any.

The End

So I guess this is it, the final chapter of my god forsaken life it’s the 15^th May 2017 when writing this and I see my end coming to a close, purchased a suit from Slaters in Birmingham and collecting it on the 20^th May. This suit is going to make me see whether people look at me any different when I dress differently. If I can go up to a stranger and talk to them and they don’t tell me to get away from them then I guess I’ll be able to die peacefully. I don’t know what I am going to do with all my personal belongings but I’m sure I’ll figure something out, I don’t know whether I’m going to record a suicide note or whether I’m going to publish this story somewhere on the internet for people to read. I guess I’ll find a place for it somewhere.

I’ve done everything I wanted to do, I know that there are a few people left on this planet that won’t even miss me or realise I am gone but I know that there are some people who will take huge efforts to remember me, my mother being one of these. However she doesn’t really speak to me so I don’t know how she will find out but I guess someone will get a message across to her somehow. Her partner passed away on the 13^th May sometime in the morning – unsure how I feel about that considering he was the reason I fell out with my family. Well he’s the person I’m blaming.

Runescape will be the last thing that I will be doing – when I get rid of all my items on that then I know I will be killing myself and there will be no coming back from that. I guess I’ll have to do some research in where to kill myself – somewhere that isn’t crowded because I don’t do well in crowds. I wrote this so people could know that my life is not as good as it appears. There may not seem like a huge impact in my life to push me to my own suicide but I feel there is.

Like I’m not even sad cause I’ve got nothing to be sad for – I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, I’m quite contempt with what I’m feeling… I just look at other people and see how they smile and how happy they are and how good they are at talking to people but I struggle… yet if you sat me down and spoke to me you would realise that I have good social skills. I just suck at life and this body I am in is destroyed. I need a new one.

There is one more thing that I’ve said in this story that isn’t completely true, the best friend Jessica. She never committed suicide, I made that up and I believed it and all the emotions that followed were genuine to me and were so heartfelt – I ended up making up a lie to make myself feel okay with us falling apart and having her completely forget about me with no reason as to why.

I’m sorry that I failed at this life but it’s my life to fail at.

Everything in this story is true to my knowledge and everything I have stated is how I felt/feel at the time of writing – I’m not dead yet… I’m still very much alive but I will be dead within the next month or so. [contact-form][contact-field label=’Name’ type=’name’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Email’ type=’email’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Website’ type=’url’/][contact-field label=’Comment’ type=’textarea’ required=’1’/][/contact-form]