This is not a suicide note

May 28th, 2017by infectioushumanwaste

It is a note from a girl who doesn’t wanna be death or alive anymore. I don’t wanna share my name, my country or another things about me. I just wanna tell you that how I became into this person. First, I don’t know whose gonna read this it is too long. If you read please add comment.

As everyone else, my story starts with my family. I was born in a family full of love but also has got a problems. I love them all and the only reason that I’m still alive is my family. But also there are other side of the story. I feel guilty about myself. When I be with them I always feel guilty and angry. Not to them. To myself. I’m not the person they think. I’m the most loved child in my family but I don’t deserve it.

My mother and my father never loved themselves. They were always having fight. I still remember broken glasses and their screams. I lived a bad childhood. Anyway. One day they fighted again. I was seven years old. Just for once, while they fighting I came near them. And I yelled. ”Why don’t you be seperated? ” I cried. So they did it. I wasn’t notice what happens at that age. Now I can understand. They were seperated and my father started not to come home. I thought he went another city for work and one day he will come back. After 7 years I learned. He went to the other side of country with his girlfriend.

After one years of my father’s seperation we started to have economic problems. My father had a lots of debt. We couldn’t pay them. Our landlord kicked us. We lost our everything. My mother went another city and started to live with her mother, and I stayed with my father’s mother. There was a change to see ourselves with my mother (becouse another city wasn’t too far) but my grandma didn’t make it happen. She didn’t want me with my mother. We couldn’t see ourselves for years. Then one day, she came and took me. I went back to my mother and changed school.

We were staying my mother, my grandparents and me. After a year police officers came and took my mother. Just becouse of our debts. When she came back we runned away. We stayed my uncle’s house. I changed school again. I started to be bullied. I never said anyone outside the school. I’m an introvert person. I stayed quite. I thought I grow up. But I’m still a child.

I saw a concert poster. It wasn’t that much concert, I wasn’t listen rap music but inside me a voice called me to go. The concert was downstairs in a bar. About 200 person came. I looked for a ticket and met somone. He was a 19 years old drug addict (After years I learned he was also dealer). I was 12 years old -really-. I loved him. He selled ticket and we started meeting. I telled him that I was 17 years old. He believed it. And after it I started to say everybody that I’m 17 years old. Our loves wasn’t emotional it was physical. He touched me. Kissed me. I kissed him. I touched him. We drinked. We smoked. We stole. We did everything together. But nobody was knowing about us. Sometimes I was going out with another men. I was seeing him and he was also seeing me but we never said something each other.

Me and my grandmother started talk again. I know she didn’t let me to see my mother but I love her so much. She loves me too. Maybe she had a reasons. Anyway I love her. I went their house and stayed for couple weeks. Then my cousins came. It was my worst night. I slept. My cousin -the male one- came into my room. He was 18 years old. I was 12. He took of his clothes. Locked the door. He took of mines. It was so hard I was trying to act like I was sleeping. He touched me. Licked me. Took my photos. Lost of photos and gone. Next day he did it again. Again and again.

I was 13 years old. I’ve changed. I wasnt be bullied in school anymore. I am the bullier one. I named people. But actually I did it to old bulliers not to the good people. My -physical- boyfriend took overdose and died. I thought nobody know about us but everyone knows. People looked me as looking a hoe. And I accepted it. Maybe I was a hoe. So I met somone else.

I was 13 years old. He was 22. He was studying architecture. I lied him and said that I am actually 18 years old. He is really good person. I’m so sorry about what I did. I didn’t wanna make him sad. Anyway he really loved me and offered marriage. I didn’t accept it (I was 13 wtf is marriage). One night -my mother wasn’t at home but my uncle was- he came my house and said my name, he yelled. While my uncle was sleeping. I went downstairs. He kicked me for once -still he is good person trust me-. He was drunk. I scared and runned. It was night and nobody was awake. A man chased and finally caught me. I was so scared. He tried to take off my clothes and I kicked him. I runned. Just for once I told my mother. I lied. I said I want chocolate at night and while I was going market a man chased me. Next day my mother came home early but nobody find the man. It deeply affected me.

I was 14 years old. My mother decided to get married. He is a good person. Also he has got a son whiches at my age. We moved to another city. I changed my school. I decided to not to be same person. I turned into my old days. I am so quiet and I have got no friend. People bullied me. I never said something. A boy in my school said ”I know you. You’re taking men to your home. You are hoe. I’m your brother’s friend. ” Than things go back to the past. Everyone was looking me as looking a hoe, again. NEVER SAY LIE ABOUT SOMEBODY never. It was a shitty lie. But nobody believed me.

Again. I was 14 years old. I met with a man. He was 17 years old. I trusted him. I told him about my cousin. Then guess what happened. He threatened me. He said ”If you don’t give blowjob to me I will tell everyone about your cousin. ” I scared. I hate my cousin but also I don’t wanna see fight in my family again. So I choosed stay quite. I went to see him. I gave him blowjob. After it I cut myself and took pills. I puked blood and over slept. Nothing happened. Next day I went school, sitted my desk and people bullied me again. Nobody knew anything about me.

Now I am 15 years old. I changed school again. Now I’m going to a high school. I have got no friends. I met somone. He is at my age. We’re at the same class. He loved me. We started dating. Everybody supported us. I feel so guilty when he kissed me. Becouse I’m not the girl that he things I am. And about a month ago I broke up with no reasons. There are no fucking reasons.

One day my phone called. It was secret I.D. Still I don’t know who the fuck is he. He know everything about me. I changed school for four times and he know them all. He know my father’s name, my mother’s name, my grandmother’s name, my boyfriends, what I did today, about my mother’s debts, my addres, my school, my class, even my social media passwords. He is my stalker. He told me that he is in love with me. And offered me a meeting. If I won’t go he will come to my school and will tell everyone the real me. I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen. But I won’t go.

I’m a victim of sexual harassment

I’m lonely. I don’t have got any friends

I have got family issues

I bullied

I became bullier

I’m not innocent

And people don’t have got any idea about who I am

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