… and where I live it’s already late afternoon, so that won’t be long. My partner spent the afternoon with me, and just left. I managed to hide from him how depressed I am, he didn’t realise anything was wrong. I gave him a long goodbye kiss and hug. He said he might come by tomorrow and i smiled and nodded, but my heart was breaking because tomorrow I will be gone. If I have the willpower.
I’m gonna do it very late at night, an hour or two after midnight. Just before I will send an email to my priest, asking him to send the police to my house, so none of my friends or family or my partner has to discover my body.
And I’ll fix a note on the door with a warning, in case my priest doesn’t check his email in time.
I’m deeply sad about the pain I’m going to cause, but I have exhausted all treatment options, and more therapy isn’t going to fix anything. I’ve tried, I’ve really tried. But this relapse is one to many, and I’ve given up fighting it. Normally there wouldn’t be a rush, I’m sure I could get through another few days, or even weeks, but the final outcome would be the same, at this stage it’s inevitable.
But, I have an appointment with my psychologist on Monday, who’s wonderful, and also really smart and she can read me like a book. If I see her, she will instantly know how far I’m gone, and she would, as she’s obliged to do, start an intervention, which would most likely mean I’d end up in a locked ward. I don’t want that, it’d be totally pointless as it would keep me safe for a few days, but could do nothing to really help me. As I’ve said, I’ve exhausted all treatment options already, and none help me, and I’m already on a huge number and high doses of medications.
Yes, I’m depressed, but I still think that this is a rational decision. I just hope my loved ones will understand in how much pain I Still, I feel guilty as hell, and that’d be the only reason why I might not go through with it. But I hope I will. What’s the point in delaying the inevitable.
48 comments
I’m so sorry for you that it’s come to this but I completely understand how you’ve reached such a point. If you’re determined to go just make sure you won’t be in a worse predicament if the attempt (whatever it is) doesn’t succeed.
I’ve done my homework, I won’t fail. That would be my worst nightmare. At the moment I am tidying up my place, there are a few things I don’t want anybody to find when they have to go through my things.
Thanks for responding. It’s good to have some human contact right now, it’s a very lonely place where I am right now.
You’re more than welcome.
Can I ask how you’ve ensured that it definitely won’t fail?
A strong sturdy rope, a solid ligature point (I’ve put my whole body weight on it to test), and a height that will make sure my feet don’t touch the ground. I wanted initially to use an inert gas, but I’ve read too many reports of failure. I can’t risk ending up alive but brain damaged.
I think I know how you feel. God bless.
Have you decided if the knot will be in front or behind? Apparently if it’s high in front you won’t have the discomfort of the windpipe being compressed. This is probably how I’ll do it if the time comes. The loop goes under the corners of the jaw and should compress the carotid artery and vein when your weight’s on it. It’ll be uncomfortable but you lose consciousness fairly rapidly from what I’ve read.
I’m sorry you feel you’ve run out of options. I hope whatever you choose, there is peace.
I’ve set everything up, I put my will and a printed list of all my accounts, passwords etc on the table. The house is clean and tidy. I’m slowly getting slightly drunk, though not so much that i won’t know what I’m doing. Just enough to make it a bit easier to take the final step. I drafted the email. I’m now writing my letter. Then I will just relax until it’s late enough.
Whatever you decide to do, whether it’s go or stay, I wish you the very best of luck. I’ll be thinking of you.
Same here
And here.
Thanks.
If you’re still here please update us on how you’re feeling now. Have you had a chance to reconsider if this is really what you want? Perhaps if you keep your Monday appointment with your psychologist she may be able to suggest new avenues and approaches which wouldn’t involve removing your freedom. Ask her to give you ALL the options that are available and tell her that you’re willing to throw all your energies into it to gain a foothold on life that you can gradually build upon.
It has to be worth a try doesn’t it? You’ve got nothing to lose now, and perhaps everything to gain.
I already know there are no other avenues. There is the clinic where I’ve been an inpatient 7 times over the past 6 1/2 years, overall I spent 11 months in there. It’s a private place, and you’re not locked up. And it’s a good place. But it no longer helps me. As I said even ECT does nothing for me anymore. I’ve had already every suitable therapy under the sun, in addition to years of individual therapy, CBT (twice), DBT (twice), art therapy, mindfulness… And I’m already on an “obscene” amount of medication (my psychiatrists words).
My depression is extremely severe, and recurrent, and treatment resistant, and the episodes seem to be getting more frequent and more severe.
I really don’t see another way, and now I’m not even able to kill myself!
Having been where you are, please know that I am hoping you find your peace, whatever action you choose to take. I remember the calm when the day finally came and all the preparations were finished. My hope is that you just needed to walk through it, that you’ve come to the end of the suicide path and find something better than dangling from ligature. Either way, either decision, you have my best wishes.
I’m sorry. In a (maybe selfish) way, I hope you’re still with us. However it is, I wish you peace and love.
I’m still here. I sat for ages on the bannister but I couldn’t jump. I just felt too guilty. I just can’t do this to my sons and my partner.
I feel devastated that I’m still here.
The problem is, nothing is any better. Yes, it seems I will see my psychologist on Monday, but there is still no hope for me.
I may have more resolve another day.
Glad you’re still with us.
Didn’t realize you have children.
You all deserve another chance at a meaningful life.
Do you have anyone you can call, so you’re not alone right now?
There’s a part of you that wants to live but your daily circumstances are suppressing it. Only when you were right on the edge and ready to die was it able to come to the fore to make you think twice. You had to endure all that anguish and pain first though.
It might be best to tell the psychologist the whole truth on Monday, just let it all out. It could be a turning point. You couldn’t leave your partner and children because you know deep down that your suffering would instead become theirs for life. Fight this and use every expert available to get you on your feet and give you hope for the future again.
Also, stay in touch with us here. We’ll always support you and pick you up when needed.
Thanks so much. I’ll try, not sure whether I have the courage.
I have two sons, but they are all grown up. 21 and 23. They were the reason why I’ve been fighting back for as long as I have. I was a single mum for most of the time, to leave them orphaned was simply not an option.
Now that they are grown up – I know it would still devastate them, but they do both have their own lives. That makes it slightly more possible.
I am all alone. Thanks for asking.
I’d read your profile. You’ve been through a lot, grown through a lot.
Can you call your partner just to talk? It would be nice for you to reach out to someone right now, just to connect, even without having to say why, just to hear a voice. . . .
I have a comment in moderation, not sure why?
It’s strange like that. Earlier my comment where I just said “thank you ” went into moderation. Makes no sense to me.
No, I can’t bring myself to ring my partner. He is very supportive, but given that I no longer have any hope, that would just make him feel all worried and helpless. I’ve confided in him the last two times I went downhill, I can’t do this to him again.
Yeah, I didn’t mean to confide or get “help”, just to not be alone.
Well, it’s 6:10 on the eastern shore of the US, so us “Yanks” can keep you company for quite awhile, as it’s still only 3:10 on the California coast. So keep talking, we’re listening.
It’s 6:15 am here where I live. Sunday morning. Not really the time to call anybody just for a chat. I live on the West coast of Australia. Thanks for talking. It helps a bit.
It’s 6:15 am here where I live. Sunday morning. Not really the time to call anybody just for company. I live on the West coast of Australia. Thanks for talking. It helps a bit.
Ps: tried to rephrase that comment as it went into moderation as well
I’ll hang out with you as long as you’d like.
What kind of crafts did you used to enjoy?
What do you like to do when you’re not investigating ropes and knots and such? Do you like gardening or reading or music or throwing mudpies at tourists?
I like reading and craft, and just being outdoors. I like cooking up a storm for my family. But the joy had gone out of all these things.
I work as a computer programmer. When I’m at work things are bearable, as it keeps my mind occupied. But as soon as I leave the despair washes back over me. Even already during drive home.
I can relate to that.
I used to love doing all sorts of things, from cooking and baking, reading, animal rescue, nature, etc., but it didn’t seem to be quite enough after awhile. I’m not as present in my life, somehow, though it’s not my intention to not be. (Does that make sense?)
Work is my sanity. Probably because it’s impersonal.
That makes a lot of sense. The last few weeks, ivr been just going through the motions. I haven’t lived.
I’m gonna try and sleep for a bit now. If I can. Thank you so much for listening and talking to me.
Just saw this.
Yes, get some rest.
Feel better.
Why are our comments going to moderation? Is it just a random check?
Either a glitch or we’re using a “buzz word”. T@lk? IDK.
is it a methodone clinic? if so maybe i could help you are at least talk to you and get something out it myself.. im going to mexico next monday and will be doing the deed when i get back myself
It’s a general psychiatric clinic. It does rehab as well, but not the actual withdrawal part, and not methodon. I’m not going back there, it used to help me but it no longer does.
ive been in clinics before im off the stuff now but now its something totally different that is pushing me over. but id be fine talking to u if you wana talk someone who has been in and out on clinics and rehabs themself
if this doesnt make it to u in time. I wish you the best for w/e the afterlife holds
So are u dead now? What method r u taking?
No, sadly I’m still here. I couldn’t get over the guilt I feel for doing this to my sons and partner.
Well, I for one am glad you’re still here. Your courage in the face of such adversity gives us all hope.
Thanks Epilogue. I’ve just told my partner. Well, not what nearly happened yesterday, but that I’m having a severe relapse. He’s good in that he doesn’t dish out platitudes. And I will see my psychologist tomorrow, and I’ll do my best to be honest. I can’t say I have any more hope. But I’ll keep trying. Thanks for the company last night, it really helped.
You’re very welcome. Please stay in touch and keep us updated on how you’re doing.
I will. Just opening up to a few people today was helpful.
Hi i am new the this site. I can seriously relate to your situation. I have tried all therapies medications Etc I went to a new place last week and was introduced to a machine that’s called a neurostar. It helps activate the natural function of the brain’s neurotransmitters using a non-invasive magnetic field similar to that of an MRI it treats right to the source because it uses a precise magnet pulse it’s effective exactly where needs to be it’s not electroconvulsive therapy and does not have the same mechanisms as ECT. Can you can experience long lasting effects from it you’re awake during the treatment you can resume normal activities immediately afterwards and each treatment is between 19 and 37 minutes and you have to do therapy 5 days a week for 4 to 6 weeks but it’s well worth the outcome and at least you’re not putting chemicals into your body like medications.
I write to you because I’ve seen that you said you’ve tried every Avenue but I have not seen that you’ve tried this Avenue you might want to look into the neurostar. I hope it helps. Namaste