I want to die…this time,this will be my 4th suicide attempt and i have done my research this time…sleeping pills first and then carbon monoxide from a stove or nitroglycerin overdose with alcohol…i will be 26 years old in June and i want to do it as soon as possible.
In short i hate myself for being a failure and pathetic trash and i disappointed a lot of people and it seems today i have disappointed the person i care for most…and i feel the need to punish myself,no sleeping,eating or drinking water for 3 days for starters,and it’s still soft.afterwards,the harder stuff will follow.
I’ve been a sad trash can all my life with some small exceptions,and this time…i’ve decided that this is…well…soon-to-end last exception,i seriously doubt things will get better from this point since i’m past that,and yes,it is a cliche,i’m a lonely person with few to no friends,a sad fuck full of despair and obsessions…though that is how i know i am,i put on a sweet,friendly and open-minded mask so that people will accept me.
I am a religious person,i believe in God but i also believe that i can’t crawl while the rest are walking and i can’t always hide,cry and pretend i am okay for the rest of my life,i haven’t done anything wrong to anyone and i don’t deserve to be in this prison,i’ve got a job,my…so called girlfriend (she is actually the person i disappointed most and because of her i am considering the 4th time)…but i don’t have the strength left to do it,i’ve been through many…loss,loss due to suicide,car crash,almost got stabbed 2 times…but none of this can compare to actually being alone…i am terrified of being left alone or abandoned,i never pushed people away but they keep leaving no matter how much i showed kindness or interest,no matter if i was funny or entertaining…i’m a failure,trash and i refuse to live in this prison until i’m 40.
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What makes you feel like a failure? You’ve got a job and a girlfriend which is 2 steps ahead of me. But I feel you, I’m pretty damn lonely as well. I have pretty much no friends only really “acquaintances” and even that I doubt. It sucks to feel worthless, to feel like a failure and to desire death. I don’t want to live another 30-40 years of this life. We shouldn’t have to.
It’s because of her my life is going to hell more than usual,i feel like a failure because i disappoint people no matter how hard i try,even her,and i am at my limit,i can’t run on empty dreams,my “friends” are…well people i just hang out once in a while maybe,or maybe text,what can we do? We get told “you will be missed”…by whom?? i don’t see anyone caring! And these are not empty words there is actually no one caring,if family thinks you are a failure then what are you supposed to do? Friends are fake…who’s left? Oh no! I am not living another 30 years,i’ve done my time,25 years is enough,and some think 80-90 years is not enough…truly masochistic
I know I hate the fact that I disappoint everyone, everyone only wants to help after your dead at your funeral, not before. Once you die everyone says things they would have done, or lies about how much they cared about you just to look good even though they couldn’t give two shits.
Are you still here