I’ve been feeling like garbage lately. Absolute garbage. I’ve made one mistake in life and now tables has turned. Idk if this is how my life is planned out or what. But I hate it. I’ve been feeling very depressed and having suicidal thoughts everyday. I want to talk to my friends and family but can not because tbh I don’t want anyone to judge me right now. I judge myself enough, I can’t handle anyone else’s judgement. I always think about ending my life but I’m actually afraid because I do believe in the after life and what not but also I think about my family, my friends, how could I leave them like that. It is very selfish of me so I think, should I stay and live in misery just not to be selfish or should I leave and not care about everyone I’m leaving behind. I can’t imagine what my family would go through, how angry/sad my friends would be, can’t imagine how much hate everyone would have on themselves from maybe how they could have prevented everything. I want to leave but I don’t really. Idk if that’s understandable but that’s how I feel. I always feel like I am useless to this world so I don’t understand why I’m still living. I see no future for myself. I will not be successful what’s so ever. Will never have a happy ending. So what’s the point of living if I have nothing to live for? I put myself down more than anyone else can. I am my own bully. I hate myself more than anyone could. I don’t want to live anymore but I am only doing it for the people around me. My future is garbage because I can already see it. This wasn’t my plan for life. I wanted to be successful have a good future but one mistake can ruin your entire life or maybe do good who knows? We shall see what happens.
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4 comments
Shit happens but you’ll pull through. Things only appear as hard as we allow them to.
There really is none. We live because of this pointless survival instinct that was designed. Hardwired on us for no real reason. Pointless survival. It makes no sense to me why our bodys want to live so badly when there is no point in the first place.
I agree with you on this mate.
“I want to leave but I don’t really.”
You know why i think this is? It’s hope.
To quote ‘red’ in the film ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ he says in response to main character having hope:
“Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.”
Thats how i feel as well. And for me, that ‘hope’ gets eroded more and more each day.
As for hating yourself, god i relate to this so much. I have been wronged by close people and you know what? i don’t hate any of them, (feel pity more than anything tbh) no, I only hate 1 thing in life, and that is myself.
“I will not be successful what’s so ever” How do you define success? Sitting on wealth? Having all the gadgets and toys?
Success is fake. This world tries to mould you into thinking that if you are successful, then hey, you’ll be happy lol
Do you think Mother Teresa felt Succesfull? Success to me should be way down the list, before personal happiness and contentment.
I’m sorry if i’m way off in the things i’m saying, i tend to ramble on a bit lol
I suppose it all comes down to perception but I think the meaning of life is life itself, in other words the experience of it. Some of us can’t get enough of it while for others it can’t end soon enough…for me I guess I experience both…in a sense.
I feel I am lucky to be one of those living in their own worlds kind of people so I guess I am conveniently some what distracted from how depressed I am being lost in my own imagination…but delusions can only be so strong and as time continually passes reality seems to become increasingly more insistent and so in a way by living in my own world I’ve created a prison for myself as a means of shelter which only stands as a reminder of how cruel I perceive the world to be.
It could all change tomorrow though I guess. Probably not though since I don’t really leave my house or interact with human beings but who knows maybe I’ll wake up in another reality that doesn’t suck in the morning.
I like the ocean, dogs are pretty cool too…hopefully I’ll wake up in a beachfront home with an awesome dog.
Even though I am also very hard on myself, I do love and enjoy myself…it just seems that I expect myself to be something I can’t be and because I fail at something I can’t possibly do I feel like a failure and so I fail perpetually.
Same shit over and over and over, groundhog day everyday…I’m probably crazy. Good luck.