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Will a life left unanswered

by Killstead

When I look back upon my life, I see the many pitfalls I otherwise naively walked into. All the potential and talent wasted because I had convinced myself it would be a worthless endeavor. I never believed I was intelligent even when I heard it said of me. I had thought, if I am so smart – then why does it all seem so dumb? Why were others so capable of being satisified in the struggle of accomplishing something? All I wanted was to be distracted. Distracted from what was wanted, needed, desired, and/or demanded of me. Not that I wanted to become lazy, or to waste my life away in pointlessness. But somehow, it is what I had ending having accomplished. Doing nothing with a life meant for something.

I can’t help but laugh at myself when I reflect upon what I could of been, could of done, or at least (as they say) gave it the old college try. In some respects, I was lucky. My negative thought process ended up, by certain standards, in helping me to avoid particular situations. I can’t help but wonder however, what could of been. Could I of been the storymaker like as a child I had been so inspired towards? What with the constant television I watched? Could I of programmed things of pure entertainment, like all the games I always played? Could I of made my darkness manifest and done unto the world what my mind so often stressed?

Instead I was swept away by thought, never getting past the could’ve, should’ve, would’ve. As if I had just gleamed the future, I’d of taken a right where took a left. Like it was that easy, had I known. But I didn’t know; and I let it all slip out of my hands. Perhaps I saved myself some trouble in not contributing to society, as it were. And if I died tomorrow, it all wouldn’t matter if my mind proved itself correct. It doesn’t change the fact that I feel like I lived life incorrectly in accordance to who I really am. Though through all of this, I all but forget who he even was. I guess what I have to ask of myself today is:

Will a life left unanswered, be what I leave behind?


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ShiSui 5/31/2017 - 5:19 am

Maybe the answers will come in a different life, regrets consume me as well but everything happens for a reason I guess

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:01 am


midian monster 5/31/2017 - 5:53 am

When i was younger i too was told i was ‘smart’ even though i disagreed with them.
I was doing ok the year i left school. I started a training for a trade and it seemed like i knew where my life was heading.
Then ‘life’ ***** slapped me, kicked me in the balls and proceeded to skull fuck me for the next few years.
Death in my family and illness caused me to ‘switch off’ for my own sanity.
I only hold myself responsiblle for where i am at now. Other people in this game we call life, have suffered and still made a success out of it.
I’m not bitter, i’m just too sad and tired nowadays to even care mate.
Before all this shit happened, i look back at myself as i was then at 16 and think wow, that kid never knows what’s gonna hit him.

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:00 am

I get it man. When you have so much on your plate, you just. fucking. don’t. care. Too tired, too sad, too miserable. I find it pathetic, how weak I’ve become and to think I lived already with this shit more than a decade and cope just fine, then just – broke like that… It’s sad. It’s just… sad.
Poor kid. Fucking life.
I have my private kid too. I look at that 8-year old and can’t help but feel pity. Too bad, kid, life’s not pretty and you’re going to know it reeeeeally soon.
There’s too much pain everywhere. It’s sad too.

midian monster 5/31/2017 - 6:09 am

The worst thing is nwnb, i suffered as a young child.
Put into foster care at a young age and seperated from my siblings.
I was still strong as fuck though. But when all that shit happened after i left school, it was just too much to take.
I can’t say whether things would be different (fuck, no one can i guess) but i guess emotional pain is subjective, some of us can take an entire lifetime of crap and keep smiling. Others will have a breakdown if their ice cream melted.

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:12 am

Sounds tough, MM. I hope it was not ‘that’ kind of foster care. Loosing siblings and – I gather – parents is bad enough without additional shit.
All pain is always subjective, not only emotional one. Everyone feels differently after all. I guess that I always belong to the second group. I could go on for a long time but I broke in the end. Pity.
Honestly, I don’t really pity myself. I hate what I’ve become, how weak, how easily beaten.

midian monster 5/31/2017 - 6:23 am

Fuck, now i’m making it look a competition haha
Me n u, trading scar stories like the scene in jaws 🙂

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:26 am

Never thought of it like that 😉 It’s good to finally do it with someone that doesn’t judge you.

Hey… ever had this feeling that your head was so fucking loud you want to run in circle or or I don’t know? I have it now. What the hell. Shit.

midian monster 5/31/2017 - 6:29 am

Oh yes 🙂
Feel like screaming out of my window like some deranged madman at times haha

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:30 am

Not nice, it is… I’m on 24th floor. Running around is not really the best idea. And I really want to jump now.

midian monster 5/31/2017 - 6:34 am

Had a friend once that lived on the 20th floor.
Didn’t like it tbh, it was so high, i didn’t like looking out of the window.
You comfortable with heights?
I suppose you’ve got no choice really, living where u are.

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:37 am

I like heights but I live on a first floor, unfortunately. I’m at work now but no clients at the moment.

midian monster 5/31/2017 - 6:39 am

Sorry to here that mate.
Everyone out there trying to hustle money, while other people are looking to fuck you over for the same piece of the pie.

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:47 am

Yeah. Shitheads, all of them.

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:02 am

Shit, man, I just realised I made it look like some fucking competition. It’s no fucking competition.

midian monster 5/31/2017 - 6:10 am

If that comment was to me nwnb, i never saw it as that. <3

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:13 am

Yeah, it was. A relief man!

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:08 am

Sometimes you just never know nor understand what’s going on here or what to do. I was called that too, you know? Was told that ‘I can become whoever I want to’. The question was ‘Who did I want to become?’. It was all bullshit in the end. Life shows you what’s really real and lives you only with regrets.

Killstead 5/31/2017 - 6:20 am

This site gives me a grain of relief and hope. Seeing the people and their stories inspires me, it’s the closest thing I’ve had in the sense of ‘a community of peers’.

midian monster 5/31/2017 - 6:26 am

Same here mate.
Haven’t posted on any forums in years (apart from trust pilot, with some legendary rants)
Posting here has been great for me.

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:28 am

Trust pilot rants? Lol, a real monster, MM!

midian monster 5/31/2017 - 6:31 am

Insurance companies are the monster mate.
“can i have my money back please”
“only if you prove your entire existence, in the correct format”

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:32 am

They asked you to do that? Dafuq?

midian monster 5/31/2017 - 6:37 am

2 weeks of tryng and i still didn’t get my money back.
They wanted Bank statements from me, to prove THEY took the fucking money.
Gave up in the end.

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:40 am

Okay, that’s simply crazy now.

midian monster 5/31/2017 - 6:43 am

It’s a nightmare at times mate.

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:46 am

Though shops are not better. I bought a laptop a few months ago and the screen broke (dead pixels). You could clearly see it every time you time you used the laptop, especially on a dark background. I had guarantee, so gave informed the laptop company. I had only part-guarantee from there, so they send me a screen in two days and told me to contact with the seller for them to exchange it. Gave it to a repair branch. A week later I got it back with a message that the screen was dirty, so they cleaned it but there was no reason to exchange, so I turned on the laptop, showed the dead pixel to a clerk and they sent it to repair branch again. 10 days later I got it backwith a message that even with the part to exchange they would have to charge me double and so they didn’t do it.
Sooo… I went to manager of the shop and complained very loudly near other clients looking at the time at laptops. In the end I got a brand-new one lol.

midian monster 5/31/2017 - 6:51 am

Sometimes you have got to be that ‘person’
I don’t suppose this was you was it?


notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:53 am

Hah, no, that was not me 😛 Though the colour of his hair is similar xd

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:54 am

I think we hijacked another post, MM.

midian monster 5/31/2017 - 6:58 am

No laptop exchange…smash.
Hijacking posts seems to be our forté nowadays lol

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:59 am

Yeah, sorry for all the owners’ of the posts we hijacked.

midian monster 5/31/2017 - 7:02 am

On this site, i don’t think it’s a breach of etiquette.
Someone makes a beautiful, thought provoking post.
Then some randomers come in like they have been set on fire, running around in circles screaming.
Like life i guess lol

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 7:05 am

Oh how nice to run, run around in circles!

notwhitenorblack 5/31/2017 - 6:28 am

Yes, it’s good to let it out and see others doing the same. I feel like I belong here a little, with all my mess and all. Glad to be here and have all of you guys to talk to.

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